Romeo you are one bad mofo!

Dear Romeo Crenel,

Hi, my name is dAndy and I just wanted to let you know that I am one of your biggest fans. No, not size wise like a man of your stature, but I just really appreciate your coaching abilities and talents. Nope, I am not a loyal Browns fan either, but tonight I wish you and your team nothing but the best. You see coach, I play fantasy football as many of your fans do and right now I am in a pinch. I had some big days from my players yesterday, but there was a lack of touchdowns from my horses like Chris Johnson, Steve Slaton, and Adrian Peterson. Sure Andre Johnson had a monster day and Thigpen did nice for me as well. but damnit if my fantasy destiny doesn't lie solely in your hands. I'm up by 9 points right now with no way of scoring any more. The guy I am playing has Brian Westbrook going tonight along with Philadelphia's defense. Now who in their right mind would put their fantasy life on the line against you and your talented offense? That's what I was thinking too. This guys is taking a stab at you personally and I think you should take that negativity and turn it into something positive tonight. A jackass like that doesn't deserve to win, don't you think? So, just make sure you score lots of points tonight, don't turn the ball over, don't give up any sacks, and while I'm at it don't punt at all and just try onside kicks all night. That will surely best your opponent.

Now as for this Westbrook fellow. This guy has been showing his ass as of late and I believe you and your men can seek out and destroy him. No, not like kill him or anything (although that would be pretty fuckin cool!!), but I think you need to prove to yourself, the fans, and every fucking body that you good sir, can stop him. That's right I am bestowing upon you the great honor of eliminating Brian Westbrook from the play calls tonight. You can do it!!! Now, don't take this the wrong way because we both know you are completely capable of making this happen without any advice from a nobody like me. Hell, I'm not even that good at Madden on Playstation, but I do have a little defensive strategy advice for making this happen if you choose to listen.

First off, this dude is all kind of banged up. I mean shit, it's like every joint in his body has been on the injury list each week. So, attack those injuries. Ankle and knee twisting is a must. Get him to tweak that shit 1st play of the game and then your set. They'll take him out since they want to save him for the post season. And if they put that Buckhalter guy in you will destroy him too. Now, let's just say that this injure him tactic doesn't pan out. Then we, I mean you, go to plan B. Part 1 of that plan is this guy.....




I want Shaun Rogers to do one of two things each play. The number one bestest thing would be for him to land on Westbrook each play and no not just a little slip and fall, "Oopsie, I fell on you." I'm talking about some WWE hardcore weight momentum shifting collisions. Essentially Shaun Rogers is so gotdamn big he should be able to leave a crater with the body outline of Westbrook in the grass. Oh, you're playing on artificial turf this week? Even better. Give Shaun an all you can eat gift card to all 2,625 restaurants in Cleveland if he can crack the concrete under the turf with Westbrook's body. Hell, I'll throw in $50 on it. Sure you may get a penalty or two, but what's a flag when you succeed at your mission?

Now let's say that doesn't work or Shaun gets tired. I recommend you move him back off the line about 3 yards and put him in a linebacker stance. Then when the ball is snapped have him run, jump, and fly horizontally towards the linemen and take out like 4 of them in one shot, BOOM! Then there will be hardly any blockers for Westbrook and your guys can get em.

The other part of plan B is to assign let's say 6 members of the defense to strictly focus on Brian. Yup, all these fuckers need to do is go after Westbrook on every single play. Two linemen, three linebackers, and a safety should do the trick.

Do all this good sir and I think you have a chance! Not to mention your #1 fan will continue to march towards fantasy greatness!

Thanks Romeo,

dAndy

Who woulda thunk?

So, I have decided to take the epic journey of growing a beard for the winter. I'm about 3 weeks in and after tossing around some design options I took my search to the interwebs and found some great shit! Check out these links....

http://www.worldbeardchampionships.com/

http://www.akbeardclub.com/judgingcatergori.html

http://images.google.com/images?gbv=2&hl=en&safe=off&q=crazy+beards

So, should I bow up and make a run for the world championships in Alaska in 2009?

My Emo Band Name

I stumbled across some dumb shit this morning that I thought I would share and no, I'm not anywhere close to being Emo!

My emo band's name is Sunnyday Immaculate Application.
Take The Emo Band Name Generator today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

Fantastical Report - Week 13 - PLAYOFFS?!?! PLAYOFFS?!?!

Well, I fucking blew up big time this week. I broke 100 pts for the 1st time this season in what is one fucked up league for scoring points. Me busting up 108 points is the great news. Now for the bad news......the dude I played busted out the high score of the week and the season at 135. So essentially I could have beaten the shit out of everybody in the league but this guy. It's all good though. I'm 10-3 and roll into the playoffs as the #1 seed. This week I face the #8 team, 5-8 NUMNUTZ, and based on projections I am a 17 point favorite so I am liking what I'm smelling right now. I also like the bracket I drew with several late season peakers in the other bracket. If I can win the next 2 games I break even on the $ for the season. Win the next 3 games and I'm looking at a little holiday bonus of about $500!

This week started off fucking lovely for me. As I stuffed entirely too much good food in my gut Thursday I watched Chris Johnson destroy the Lions. The fact that Fat Ass Lendale started getting the ball and got 2 touches chapped my ass a little, but either way CJ had a stud performance. His big day helped offset the fact that my opponent had Tennessee's D against the putrid Lions. Homeboy also had TO and his 98 yds and a touch on Thursday. I was down by 18, but wasn't worried not one little bit.

On to Sunday, and the blow up festival that my opponent had. He played Aaron Rodgers who busted out a 298 yd, 3 TD, 1 2pt conv. day against Tyler Thigpen's miserable no TD day. He had been solid for me up to that point, but the Oakland pass D fucked him up pretty good. I could have played Neck Beard instead and gained 7 more points. I think I'll give Tyler the nod against Denver this week, but Orton against my brutal Jags doesn't seem like a bad option either. I just keep waiting on the Jags to have "that" game. You know the type of game where they actually play up to the high pre-season expectations instead of playing like a struggling division II NCAA squad.

Receiver wise I was up against Lee Evans who had 80 yds and no TDs, but my boy B Marsh continued his string of disappointing performances with only 55 yards. I should have played DeSean Jackson instead. Not sure who I should play out of those 2 this week. I just know B Marsh has got to blow up sometime and would hate to have him on the bench when it happens. I also played Andre Johnson who had a solid game last night with 75 yds and a touch. That was a hell of play on that TD by the way. Had I not needed him and Steve Slaton to get 3 TDs and 200 yds a piece to come back and tie the fucker that was beating my ass I would have been more excited about it.

With that said I had Slaton and Adrian Peterson in the RB slots along with CJ. Both had great days and you are probably thinking, damn, how did I lose? Well, when your opponent has Thomas Jones and D'Angelo Williams and their monster TD days you fucking lose that's how! Luckily Michal Turner didn't have a great day as my opponent had him as well.

I had a decent game out of Dustin Keller, although I am waiting on him to put a TD in the mix with those yards he keeps piling up from the TE spot. Carney with the Giants was solid for me as well with 3 FGs and 2 PATs. Pittsburgh's D also had a great game in shutting down Cassel and the Patriots.

So that wraps up the regular season. Only a couple of questions/concerns going into the first playoff game. Do I trust Pitt's D against Dallas or start NE's D against the miserable Seahawks. That is pretty much a no brainer as I have already flipped over to New England, but they are both projected for 13 and not to mention Indy's D is available versus the Bungles of Cincy...hmmmmm. CHECK THAT: JUST PICKED UP INDY'S D AND DROPPED NE. INDY VS CINCY THIS WEEK AND VS DETROIT NEXT WEEK = NO BRAINER. Other than that the call is Thigpen versus Denver or Orton vs Jax as previously mentioned or making a late season pickup of Trent Edwards, Jeff Garcia, or maybe even Flacco. I also have Willie P on the bench. How can I start him over Slaton, Chris Johnson, and Purple Jesus?

As always your one comment is greatly appreciated!

P.S. GO GATORS!!!!

Fantastical Report - Week 12 - I is one lucky sumbitch!

First off I would like to say that last night's MNF game was the most enjoyable for me in quite some time. Nope, it had nothing to do with the quality of the game. It had to do with the fact that it didn't fucking matter one little eency bit! I had my fantasy victory secured after Sunday night's game. Now on to how I won this week, moved to 10-2, held on to the #1 spot, and why I'm a lucky sumbitch!

I went in to this week with high expectations. I picked up Pittsburgh's D early last week off waivers. With them facing Cincy I fully expected them bring home big points. I also had Willie "could you fuck me a little harder this season" Parker. He just had to blow up week 1 so I could hang on to the hopes of big games once his injury prone ass was healthy. I don't think that day will ever come this season. I am questioning if I should even keep him on the TellMeHowMyAssTaste! team at this point. They were projected for 25 points combined. What'd they end up putting out? 13 miserable points. I had fully planned on losing from that point on and then on Sunday the magic started happening.

I started what has become my super solid QB over the past 3 weeks, Tyler "Who woulda thunk he'd be a decent fantasy player earlier this season" Thigpen. Compared to the fucktastic QBs I have been forced to play over the course of this season Tyler is the fuckin' man! He put up 240 yds, 3 TDs, and picked up a point with 29 rushing yards. No need to discuss the 3 turnovers, although they could have bitten me in the ass. I'll probably ride his ass the rest of the season unless Kyle Orton steps up his play. I am also contemplating picking up Jeff "No seriously, he's not gay" Garcia since he is out there and projected for a strong end of season.

As for the rest of my posse I wouldn't say their play was shatty, but only Purple Jesus himself actually got a touchdown. Andre Johnson and Brandon Marshall had solid yardage. Slaton popped out 73 yds and Dustin Keller caught 42 yds. The fuck me of the day came from Josh "I was money until dAndy picked me up" Scobee. The fucker missed 2 FGs (one that hit me with negative points) within a couple of minutes of each other and ended the day with one FG and a PAT. I want to drop him, but he has the highest projected score for the remainder of the season. Arrggh!

My opponent this week took a massive schlonging. He bestowed upon me the victory by starting the one and only Donovan "uh" McNabb. His -3 total for the day saved a brotha! Dude had Favre on the bench. Maybe it's just me or maybe it's because I haven't had a decent QB in 2 frickin years, but when faced with the decision of starting McNabb versus Baltimore or Favre versus Tennessee I would have played Favre. That bayou fucker always does decent in big games. I was also blessed with the fact that not one single person on my opponent's team scored a TD.

It was a nerve racking week though. Going into Sunday night's game I was spunt and dude had Ladanian and Dallas Clark. I was certain my 19 point lead would get decimated, but then again I'm one lucky sumbitch!

So, I ended up with the second lowest score of the week and just so happened to play the dude with the worst score of the week. I guess this falls along the lines of it's better to be lucky than good. I just hope my luck continues for 3 more weeks!! Should I get a rabbit's foot or something?

As for the upcoming week I have a few concerns/delimmas/what the fuck should I dos. I'm a bit scared to play Pitt's D against New England's resurgent offense, but the only other decent options are NE's D or Jax versus Houston. I don't want to go with Jax because that will negate the effectiveness of Andre Johnson and Slaton should they score. I am thinking of dropping Willie P and/or Kellen Winslow to make some late season moves to carry me through the playoffs. Should I keep Dustin Keller instead of Winslow? There are several decent QBs out there - Pennington, Flacco, Trent Edwards, Delhomme, and Garcia. Should I stick with Scobee? Should I pick up another D? I hate this shit!

For the moment my starting lineup is as follows.....

QB - Tyler Thigpen vs. Oakland - Orton on the bench vs Minnesota
WR - Andre Johnson and Brandon Marshall - DeSean Jackson on the bench
RB - Slaton, Purple Jesus, and Chris Johnson - Willie P on the bench
TE - Dustin Keller - Kellen Winslow on the bench
K - Josh Scobee
D - Pittsburgh versus NE

As always comments and suggestions are appreciated!

dAndy's Weekly Crazy Fantasy Calls - Week 12

So this past Monday I told loyal commenter Upstate Underdog that Marshawn Lynch would get him the victory in fantasy this week. Then out of nowhere I told him that he would score a TD on a pass in the 2nd quarter. Doubt me? Then check it out! Needless to say I hit the nail on the fuckin head. So this made me realize that maybe I have a gift, a gift from who the fuck knows where, but netherless a fucking fantastical gift.

So I have decided that instead of using this gift to destroy the world I will use it for the good of the normal folk. So, do you have a fantasy worry or start/sit question? Post your comment and I will make my prediction. 100% guaranteed or your comment will be deleted like the bullshit never happened. At this particular moment in time I have never fucking ever been wrong on this shit. I may never ever get another one right either, but if you don't try me then we'll never know.

P.S. Just in case you were wondering I am 9-2 and the #1 team in my money fantasy league this year. Coincidence? Perhaps the fuck not!

Fantastical Report - Week 11

Well, what a fucktastic week for me in fantasy. After much debate I benched Mewelde and Willie P and played Slaton. That along with picking up and playing Tyler Thigpen were my moves of the week and the only reason I even have a chance of still winning. Pretty much every other player I had shat their pants. Andre Johnson - 55 yds NO TD, B Marsh - 89 yds NO TD, Chris Johnson - 88 total yds NO TD, Purple Jesus - 85 yds NO TD, Scobee - 2 PAfuckingTs. Yards are great in most leagues but in this league no TDs pretty much means very low points. I played Arizona's defense who had a decent day.

So with that said I take an 8 point lead into MNF. Here's the twist though. I have Kellen Winslow and my opponent has Brady Quinn. Kind of a fucked up situ if you ask me. So basically I need Quinn's only TD throws (if any) and the majority of his success to be to Winslow and I'm skraight. I'll get more points off the rec'v yds than he will for throwing with 20/pt vs 50/pt and if someone else gets a TD then I'll need some picks and/or fumbles to hang on to my lead. So I need all 2 of you to help me in pulling for Brady Quinn to either get in a car crash on the way to the game, oversleep and miss the game because of all the fun he had at a 12 guy orgy, or simply get knocked out of the game 1st play with a broken sphincter.

On another note, if I win this week I will stand alone a top the standings with a record of 9-2 bitches! The guy I am currently tied with at 8-2 is down by 40 pts with Marshawn Lynch left to play. Anyone predicting Marshawn to get 200 yds and 4 TDs tonight? Didn't think so.

This just in.....

....I'm going to the UF vs SC game Saturday. If you need to find me I'll be wearing an orange or blue shirt. Not sure which one yet, but I shouldn't be hard to find.

GO GATORS!!!!

Fantastical Report - Week 10

Well, well, well, dAndy done clinched a playoff spot! Had my best week of the year points wise in Week 10 even though I had some yuge let downs in performance and decision making. Either way I'm in 2nd spot with an 8-2 record.

I made a bonehead move last week and picked up Derek Anderson last Monday only to find out hours later that Brady Quinn was going to be the one shoving fingers up the center's ass in Cleveland. In that sense of panic I grabbed Flacco. Then late Friday dude dropped Kyle Orton, aka Neckbeard, aka Tony Eury Sr, so I dropped Flacco for him. I should have been more patient and kept Flacco for the week and played him over C Penn, but I can live with that. Hopefully Orton comes back with a bang and brings some game to what has been yet another year of shattyness from the QB spot in dAndyville as I get ready for a playoff run!

As for the let downs Andre Johnson didn't do much and Chris Johnson got shut the fuck down. I should have played DeSean Jackson instead of Andre no doubt! Chad Pennington had a typical day of almost putting up some big numbers. The Jags D had a respectful day in Detroit and Scobee was solid.

As for bitches blowing up I had Brandon Marshall and his late TD, Purple Jesus and his day of domination, Kellen and his staphtastic testicles had a big game as well. My pick up of the week....Mewelde fuckin Moore baby!!

So my projection for week 11 is a little low. Don't know if Orton is worth a shot if he does go (he says his chance of playing is good) with C Penn facing a horrible horrible Oakland team (Wildcat formation will be in for 6-8 plays I'm guessing). RB wise I'll leave Purple Jesus in for sure then it's a toss up for the other RB slot and flex slot. Options are DeSean, Chris Johnson (vs Jags at home), Willie "I might play this week" Parker or Mewelde vs San Diego, I've also got Slaton (vs Ind) riding some pine too. The WR slots look sharp with Andre Johnson and B Marsh. K Low will stay at TE and Scobee will hopefully bang in multiple FGs against the Titans. My gamble of the week....I picked up Arizona's defense last night before the game. They face a shitty Seahawks team that should have broken down QB Hasselbeck taking snaps. Pick 6 all day baby!

As always your comments/suggestions are appreciated! Good luck this week fuckers!

Early Fantasy Update - Week 10

Ladies and gentleman I am pleased to announce that I made the right fucking call and picked up Kellen Winslow and his staphtasically infected testicles this week. Also had Brandon Marshall in last night's game as well. So, in this ridiculously low scoring set up I got 25 points out of those two bitches. I was already predicted to have high score of the week based on projections and these two just exceeded projections by 16 points combined even with Kellen's fumble. Shit be looking good in dAndyville is all I can say.

Now I do have a couple of issues for the week. I was stoked about Willie P's return, but now he is doubtful for this week. I am ditching Roy Williams in trying to pick up Mewelde off waivers and will know something at midnight tonight. Let's say that doesn't work out then I have to either pick up someone else or go with DeSean, Slaton (against Baltimore), or Roy Williams. Any advice on that from you cuntpunchers out there would be greatly appreciated.

Also, in continuing my tradition of never having a stud QB I have to decide on Flacco or C Penn at QB. Got the tip on Flacco earlier in the week, he's up against Houston's shatty pass D in Houston. C Penn is playing Seattle at home. Both are projected for 10 pts. so that ain't gotdamn a bit of help.

I gots to get me a gotdamn sham wow!!!!

Man, usually don't fall for the infomercials ever since the set it and forget it rotisserie came out, but man this fucking sham wow thing is starting to get to me. I mean, this shit is absolutely frickin amazing. Maybe it's the guy just selling the shit out of it or maybe it's just me, but I can think of so many times in life where the sham wow would have been muthafuckin perrrrfect!

For starters I believe the guy selling the shit got the job because he was the top money taker at all of the traveling fairs in the United States. Dude probably started out at the game where you have to catapult the frogs on the lilly pads, got promoted to the ping pong ball in the fish bowl, then moved on to shoot the star out with the BB gun, and eventually landed the gig where you throw the darts at the balloon. And this all happened in just 7 short hours. Next thing you know he's got a Brittany Spears mike hooked to his head and he's on TV. Tell me you don't think the annoying fucker actually invented it?


Let's talk capability here. The sham wow can actually pull and entire can of soda out of the carpet without even applying any pressure. Do you realize what the potential there is? Lemme break it down rights quick. You have the fellas over watching some football and the ultimate party foul occurs. Brozilla has just spilled his beer on the carpet. Da du da duh da da nah na nah!!!! Ladies and gentleman I introduce the sham gotdamn wow. You suck that beer up out of the carpet lickity splizit and then wring it out into a cup. Homeboyee that fucked up and spilled his shit now has to drink his beer post carpet absorption. Next thing you know you gots dudes gripping their beers like it's forty-two one hundred dollar bills in their hand as they walk through Compton.

What am I thinking? You know this has to be some bull shit! I'm going to buy a weed auger now thank you very much!

Fantasy Report - Week 9

Let me just start off by saying that I fucking hate fantasy football, I SERIOUSLY MEAN IT THIS TIME TOO!

Yesterday started out great for me and the TellMeHowMyAssTaste! fantasy team. I had big production from everybody in the early games. dAndy was kicking ass and taking names baby. I had the high score going on, the sun was shining, birds were singing, a nice breeze was coming in off the ocean, the one team ahead of me in the rankings was struggling, I was on the way to being the number one team in the league. Adrian Peterson lit it up with 139 yds and a TD. Chris Johnson also did killer with 161 total yds and a TD. Andre Johnson delivered with 62 yds and a TD. While they got beat again, the Jags D scored nice points as well and Scobee delivered a solid points day for a kicker. Hells yeah baby, dAndy be busting shit up and has a healthy lead!

Then the 4 o'clock games start kicking. I've got Pennington, Brandon Marshall, and DeSean Jackson on the field. A group of stars that can surely deliver at least 15-20 points between them. What did they do for me? How about not a fuckin thing!!!!!! Pennington got me 4 points, B Marsh got 1 and DeSean got 3.....FUCK ME!!!!

So I am only up by 10 points, no players remaining and NUMNUTZ has Clinton Portis tonight. I usually am the optimist going in to these situations, but for some reason I can't do that today. Maybe it's because that happy bullshit never fucking works! I hate this shit!!

And one more thing. I mentioned before how I keep winning while not scoring a lot of points. This week I am one point shy of having the highest total in the league and what happens? This bullshit happens. Fuck it, I'm joining a fantasy table tennis league right now!!

TO and Roy Behind Closed Doors - Week 8

{Inside the Cowboys locker room after the Week 8 win versus Tampa, only TO and Roy Williams remain}

TO: Sobbing while actually sitting inside his locker.

Roy: TO, man what the fuck you doin?

TO: Oh nothing.

Roy: Are you crying? Why the hell you up in your locker like that? We won man, we won!

TO: No, ya'll won.

Roy: Aw, come on bro don't start with this bullshit this week. We won, we are a TEAM!

TO: No we're not.

Roy: Yes we are!

{jumps out of locker up at Roy}

TO: No the FUCK we're not bitch!

Roy: Hey, hey, hey ease up trigger!

TO: No, I'm not going to fucking ease up. If we were a team, you wouldn't have caught that TD today asshole punkass bitchdick bitch!

Roy: Man you are one fucked up mothafucka you know that?

TO: Yeah! Well, that's what happens when you lose your star status. I was a goddamn star Roy, a goddamn motherfucking star! Until, you came along that is...

{TO slides a boot knife out of his Jerry Jones signature edition rattlesnake skin cowboy boots, a bottle of sleeping pills falls to the floor}

Roy: TO put that shit down man. Whatcha gon do with dat anyway?

TO: What I'm gone do? WHAT I'M GONE DO FAIRY BOY? I'M GONE FUCK YOU UP WHAT I'M GONE DO!!!!!

Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa muthafucka! Hey man is that sleeping pills that just fell out yo boot?

{TO turns around to put the pills away, turns back around....Roy is gone. TO faintly here's someone saying, "I'm the gotdamn star now biotch!!}

Fantasy Update - Week 8 - I'm one lucky bitch!

So, I pulled out another win this week. How? I don't fuckin know. I had the third lowest score in the league this week and luckily I played the guy with the second lowest. I won 60 to 45. It's pretty much been my theme all year as expressed by my tied for first place record of 6-2, yet I am 96 points behind the guy I am tied with record wise. I have the 7th lowest total points for the season. Put it this way, the 3rd place guy has scored 151 points more than me this season. I am trying to convince myself that I am just laying low waiting to bust out the big numbers when crunch time comes around, but I don't know how many more squeakers I can handle. Oh yeah, thanks to the dude I was playing for not putting in a defense this week. Winning isn't all about being good. You have to have some luck in the mix!

QB - I went with Cassel this week who had a decent day compared to the overall shattyness of my QBs this year. Luckily he faced Jason Campbell who posted a mediocre 10 pts as well. This week Cassel and Pennington will be battling it out in practice for the starting gig. Almost picked up Matt Ryan off waivers (how he was there I don't know), but some dickbag that's in first place cockblocked me. Yeah, you HeyHoo!

RBs - The rock was handed to Steve Slaton and Chris Johnson. Not a whole lotta yards out of them this week, but they both scored so I can't complain. CJ's late touchdown last night was a beautiful thing. Dude I was playing had J. Jones from Seattle and Frank Gore up in the mix. Both were TD free which helped my unfucktastic score although Gore piled up some yards, 159 in case you needed to know.

WRs - I had to do some bye week maneuvering this week and started who I could. I would have played Willie Parker in the flex spot, but his weak ass knee ligaments held him out again. I had to play Andre Johnson (143 yds, no fucking TDs), DeSean Jackson (72 yds, no fucking TDS, -5 ret yds), and my gut shot call of the week.....Roy Williams. I almost dropped somebody to play in his place, but I got some advice from some members of the blogoshpere and gave him the go. That TD was perfect for me. P.S. Fuck you TO!

TE - Blah, that's what Marcedes Lewis did for me. I got stuck ever since Kellen Winslow and his staphtastically reclused testicles fucked me a few weeks back. Shopping for a TE, but I kind of want to stay with Lewis since he played so shitty this past week. Surely he'll make up for it against the shitbags in Detroit right? Fuck me, optimism is the devil. I think I'll get Kellen back.

K - Scobee had one blocked, but I can't blame that on him. He made a long bonus point FG and 2 PATs in a brutal Jag game against Cleveland. I think I'll let him ride heading to Detroit.

DEF - The fuck dAndy group of the week - Jax defense. These guys made the Browns offense look like more than a regional semi-semi-finalist for the pop warner county championship this past week. Thanks fuckers! I'll give them another shot this week against the Bengals and next week against Orlovakowskolitsky or whatever the fuck his name is this week.

Coming up this week....I'm stoked and planning for a breakout performance since I am through with bye weeks except for Roy Williams next week. Aside from the QB and TE situation my lineup looks like this for now. WRs - Brandon Marshall, Andre Johnson, DeSean Jackson (Roy Williams on the bench), RBs - Purple Jesus and Chris Johnson for sure with Steve Slaton and Willie Parker benched. If Willie P is healthy I may throw him in in place of DeSean. Who the fuck knows! As always throw your 2 cents in!

Fantasy Systemafication - Week 8

I need some help fellas. Basically I don't want to give up anyone on my bench right now. I've got a little bye week action affecting my team, so I need a W/R slot filled. I could throw Roy Williams in there from the bench and be set, but I am not confident that he will produce. I have some options out there in free agency. One being Freddy Taylor which is a plus since I am a Jag fan, along with Mewelde, BenJarvis, and Kevin Faulk. If I pick one of those guys up then I have to drop either Willie Parker (out this week) or Roy Williams. I am tempted to drop Willie because I fucking hate nagging injuries and I have Chris Johnson, Adrian Peterson, and Steve Slaton who will be bye week free from here on out. The only other potential drop from the team would be Chad Pennington who I have backing up Cassel this week. I know, my QBs fucking blow. The computer drafter Hasselbeck and Schaub so you can kiss my ass for getting by. Chad Pennington in week 6 had my highest points from a QB all year. Help a brotha out!!!!

TO and Roy Behind Closed Doors - Week 7

{Inside the Cowboys locker room after a Tuesday afternoon practice. Only TO and Roy Williams remain.}

TO: Roy, I just need to let you know that I really appreciate what you did out there this last week man.

Roy: What?

TO: Well, you know, after our little "talk" last week I wasn't feelin you feelin me, and you know I love me some me and I wasn't sure that you was loving you some me after we was talking about you and me and how we was gonna be here up in the big D. You feel me?

Roy: Nah, TO I don't. What are you trying to say?

TO: Your performance against the Rams man. That's what I like to see.

Roy: Yeah, but we sucked against the Rams.

TO: No, YOU sucked against the Rams. Me, I did all I could do for me, thanks to you helping me though by not doing anything to help you, made me look better for me. Feel me?

Roy: Bro, I don't know what the fuck you are trying to convey to me?

TO: First off lose that damn tude R-Dub, unless that is you want some of me up in that ass. Ok man it's like this. You and me talked last week and I told you not to come up in here and steal the sunshine away from me. I was just saying thanks to you for not fucking me by going out there and being all you could not be in order to look out for me. Feel me?

Roy: We, notice I did not say me, as a team, sucked ass out their TO. How can you thank me for contributing to a loss that impacts you and me and the whole team?

TO: Listen you little punk ass faggot, you know exactly what me is talking about to YOU. Now I should be fuckin pissed at you right now for fucking me by not getting hurt like I told you to for me, but I kind of like what you did for me last week instead. You didn't catch the first pass the whole game, which made me look even more like the fuckin star on this team which helps me in my quest to carry this team and step up for me to lead us to the super bowl while that little fuckboy Romo is hurt. You know that fucker don't be thinking about me, but see you and me we be thinking alike and shit. You be looking out for me and I appreciate that me look shit you got kickin bro. That's all I'm saying to ya man. Ya feel me?

Roy: Nah TO, I ain't down with that man we don't think anything alike.

TO: You have got to be the most stupidest regardedest mutha fucka somebody like me has ever fuckin seen dumbass? Let me break it down real simple like. Jerry gotdamn Jones tells me every fuckin day of the week how much of a star I am on this team. It don't matter what day of the week it is for me, Jerry will go out of his way to let me know how much I mean to this team. Hell, he even calls me everyday during the off season. He's a hell of a texter too. You feel ME Roy? Do you fuckin feel ME bitch?

Roy: Dude, you said I was the regardedest person you have ever seen. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

TO: Bitch, you don't question what TO is saying to you. You know what I fuckin mean.

Roy: No, no I don't TO.

TO: That's because you is regarded.

Roy: What the fuck are you trying to tell me Terr...

{TO puts his hand over Roy's mouth}

TO: Hold the fuck up right there. I ain't gonna left you even finish. Don't even think about finishing that because I already told you don't nobody call me Terrell, but my momma damnit! I'm sorry you are so fucking regarded that you don't even know what that means, but what regarded is is when you are a little slow, you rode the short bus to school when you was a kid, or your face don't look quite right, eyes all close together with that big ass forehead. You feel me now?

Roy: No, you stupid bitch!!! It's retarded man, fucking retarded which is what you are dumbass!

TO: Watch ya mouth boy?

Roy: Man fuck you TO

TO: Don't disrespect me like that punkass. You hear me!! You hear me!!!

{TO turns around to find a note left by Roy}

Roy's Note: I'm outta here and this week I'm gone blow up and you'll be playing second fiddle to me in this country bumfucked town. It's own now bitch!

TO: Oh heyall nah!

Today's Almost Fictional NFL Player's Game Day Menu: Matt Jones, #18 Jags, 201 lbs and Dropping, 415pm Game

I thought it was only fitting that I do Matt "Mangnum PI Stache" Jones with his impending doom impending as we speak or type or blog or wtf ever you wanna call it.

afp

Breakfast: 2 lines of pure Columbian Heaven, 3 red bulls

Mid-Day Snack: 1 line of Florida snow, snickers bar, 1 red gatorade

Lunch: 1 Panama red fatty laced with Star-Spangled Powder (only so he’ll be hungry for pre-game), 1 Coca-Cola

Pre-game: 4 piece fried chicken, fried okra, 2 packs of skittles, 1 white frosty from Wendy’s, some funyons, 4 red bulls

Halftime fix: 3 bumps of Yeyo, 5 red bulls

Post Game – On the way to the locker room: 1 line of prime time off 6 of the cheerleaders asses, 6 red bulls

Post Game – On the way home: 2 blunts, an eight ball of toot, 7 red bulls, and some ho named Latashaniqua

dAndy's Own Exclusive - TMA Call - Peyton and Eli - Week 7

We here in dAndyville, excuse me, I here in dAndyville have obtained exclusive rights to the phone call made between Peyton Manning and Eli Manning every Tuesday AM after all the football for the week is over. Here's what's shaking for week 6.

{ring ring, ring ring}

Eli: Sorry man, but I’m not home, but I’ll be back before to long so wait for the beep. You gotta leave your name, you gotta leave your number…….

Peyton: Damnit Eli!!! Listen dude no bullcrapping this week. I need to talk to my little bro something fierce.

Eli: OK bro, I’m all ears. What’s sinking your submarine?

Peyton: Oh nothing…nothing at all…BESIDES MY WORST GAME EVER!!!

Eli: Yeah, I know. I got to see some of the game. I thought you were looking forward to going back to that cheesy city {laughs to himself for the cheese joke} now that Favre was gone.

Peyton: I was!!!! I went in there with such high expectations. You know I had a couple of good games and now this. I really felt like I had caught up from missing some pre-season with the surgeries and all and I played like absolute poo poo today. I can see the headlines now, Pey Pey plays like poo poo in Colts loss. {lip begins to quiver as if he is going to cry}

Eli: Hahahahahahahahaha that was funny Peyton!

Peyton: Thanks, I guess. How is that you just bounce right back after a bad game with your chin up? I get so down on myself I don’t know what to do.

Eli: Just don’t have any bad games.

Peyton: What?

Eli: Don’t have a bad game and you’ll never have to worry about what it feels like afterward. That’s what I do.

Peyton: But you had a bad game last week!!!

Eli: Nuh uh!

Peyton: Yeah huh!

Eli: No I didn’t Peyton. What I did these last couple of weeks is manage the game. It’s something new Coach Coughlin taught me. Say it with me now….manage the game!

Peyton: Eli, I know wtf {actually says w.t.f. because he doesn’t use them swear words} managing the game is.

Eli: Well then, just do that and you’ll be fine.

Peyton: How can you say that when the Browns beat you guys and you played like crap?

Eli: I was managing the game.

Peyton: Yeah, but you lost.

Eli: So, so I was still the manager. I just didn’t manage as good as I should have and I didn’t get all sad afterwards like you are.

Peyton: But you lost.

Eli: Yeah, but I still managed.

Peyton: That’s not the point Eli. The point is to win the games.

Eli: Well, maybe for you, but coach told me I just need to work on managing the games and that’s what I am doing and we have only lost once, so apparently there is a connection between managing and winning. So, maybe just maybe you should just listen to your little bro, who is having a way better year than you and won the super bowl last year, for once.

Peyton: Whatever Eli!!! {hangs up}

Testees on FX

I instantly became of fan of FX earlier this year because I saw It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia for the 1st time. I love that fuckin show! So this week, they advertise this shit out of this show called Testees coming on after Sunny. I of course checked it out while flipping back and forth to the game in which the Boston assholes came back on the now headed to the World Series Rays. Let me tell you this, that is one FUCKED UP show. The people that come up with that shit and Sunny have some kind of mind that was twisted and warped and molded into it's current state by the endless use of alcohol, hallucinogens, and any other mind altering drug they could get their hands on. Seriously, how the fuck do you think of shit like that? So back to the show. First off, if you didn't see the show what I am about to tell you is going to sound, uh, let's just call it fuckin gay. And it's going to sound that way because, uh, it was some gay ass shit, but damn it was funny. Basically the testees (two guys who volunteered for scientific testing) agree to undergo a procedure that will give them a puss and tits temporarily and it all goes downhill from there. In brief, one guys gets a carrot stuck inside him while pleasing his new downstairs, one guys has a nice rack, the other pretty much has floppy 80 year old tits, one guy's friend wants him to do his dad, the other guygirl ends up sleeping with his ex-girlfriend that has now turned lesbian due to the shitty sex she originally had with him when he was a dude and because he is still a shitty lay as a chick she turns back straight again.

Yep, that sums it up. It's that fucked up and you should check it out!

Fantasy Report - Week 7

Not a bad week for me I guess. I'm knotted up with my opponent at 80 pts each. He's done for the week and I have Brandon Marshall playing tonight. Please don't fuck me B Marsh. If all goes as planned I'll move up to 3rd in the league sitting pretty for a march to the top. Again, don't fuck me B Marsh. Just make it easy on me and score a TD on the 1st possession and then keep on trucking to get me some valuable points in the rankings since the leaders of the league are 102 and 95 points ahead of me as of right now.

So, as far as what got me where I am this week. Luckily Pey Pey had a shitty day and only scored 2 points as compared to my scary 10 pts from Derek Anderson. Thank you to the Packers for shutting down the mind behind the Colts offense and thank you Derek for pulling that late game TD out of your what had been squinched up anus all day!

I only played 2 WRs this week and really can't complain. Andre Johnson had a solid 141 yds (a TD would have been nice, but hey I can't really complain). Hopefully, B Marsh will add a significant boost to my WR points tonight. Luckily Plaxico and Muhammad didn't score any TDs for my opponent, but Berrian had a score that pretty much made me shat my pants late yesterday.

As for the RBs. I don't know how many people told me not to play Purple Jesus against Chicago's "nasty" defense, but guess what fuckers? I played him and he put up 121 yds and a TD! Bladow dAndy's gut instinct prevails. Steve Slaton also posted a solid 80 yds with a TD in the mix as well. My 3rd RB, Chris Johnson, who I picked up after his week 1 performance against my Jags, had a killer 168 yds and a TD against KC's shitty run D. Hell, fatass Lendale busted an 80 yd TD against them, so that only further verifies their shittieness or shittyness or however the fuck you spell that. I need Lendale to step aside and make room for CJ so I can take home the cashish this year! Homeboy had Marion Barber and E Graham who both had solid days with a TD.

TE wise, I made a late move Saturday night and dropped K Winslow and his unrealistically swollen testes (speaking of testees, did anyone see that show Thurs on FX? It's fucked up is all I can say) and picked up the somehow available Shockey off the waiver wire. Shockey caught 50 yds worth, but coughed up the ball and doinked me with no points. Thanks for deciding to have your first non stellar performance of the year when I picked up your TE Drew Brees! KC's Tony G put up 97 yds for the opposition.

Although he fucked me and missed a cake FG, Mason Crosby did OK with 2 FGs and 4 PATs. I played against Kasay who had a nice 3 FG, 3 PAT day.

My defense that totally tore it up last week against Carolina had a lackluster performance against Seattle's struggling O and while they did only allow 10 pts, they had no sacks and only 7 ret yds to go with an INT and a fumble pick up. I'll be shopping for a new D this week!

Either way it's all good, as long as B Marsh can score just one point or more tonight. As of right now I love fantasy football, but if B Marsh fucks me tonight I'll hate it again, at least until next week anyways.

Rays vs. Sawx

OK, so I rarely watch baseball because under normal circumstances it bores the shit out of me (What? Is that a problem? Go pluck some hairs out of your ass then!). I’m tuned in to last night’s game between the Rays and Red Sox however, and man this is some wild shit! It has been weird because even when Tampa was big time ahead you just never got the feeling the game was over. Right now as I am typing dude just lead off the 8th with a double off the wall. Typical Red Sox bullshit! I hope they win tonight just so the Boston loving assholes grab a glimpse of hope only to travel to Tampa to get that ass spizzity spizzity spank spanked!!

The dicktards just fuckin tied it……tomorrow the % of pregnant women in the New England area will quintuple.

So the Rays get in position to take the lead and put some pressure on the Sox and they end it with a double play. Every Boston fan is just so damn fuckin happy right now.

What a lame way to mow a field for a game this big. At least go with the zig zags or wavy lines.

Hell of a defensive play by the SS right there. I should be asleep by now.

Ok, so I did fall asleep and found out at work this AM that Boston pulled it off. I love how the disappointment will be even greater for the Boson assholes. However, if they win the series we will never fuckin ever hear the end of the greatest comeback in the history of baseball bullshit. Thank sweet baby Jesus that Tom Brady got hurt!!

Fantasy Systemafication - Who Do I Start?

QB - Derek Anderson or Chad Pennington

WRs - I only have 3, could sit one and play another RB - Brandon Marshall, Andre Johnson, Roy Williams

RBs - Could play 3 - See WRs for flexability - Adrian Peterson, Chris Johnson, Steve Slaton, Willie (has a boo boo and looks doubtful) Parker

My TE, DEF, and K are locked in unless I pick up somebody else - Kellen Winslow and his pet gerbil that got lost last week, Mason Crosby, Tampa Bay

My current line up is in BOLD.

TO and Roy - Behind Closed Doors

{at a public press conference}

Roy : I'm really excited to be playing for the Cowboys and working the field along with TO. It's going to be fun.

TO: I'm glad to have Roy here. He is a great addition to our team and should help us reach our ultimate goals. God bless you all and thanks to God for a guy like Roy here in Dallas.

{press conference ends and only TO and Roy are left there}

TO: Listen bitch don't you plan on coming up in the Dig D and try to steal my glory you hear me!

Roy: Ah nah TO, it ain't like that baby. I'm here to play wit ya bro. We could become one of the greatest tandems in the league.

TO: Bitch are you just not listening to me. When TO talks everybody listens and that includes you, you new fuck!

Roy: Ease up holmes, I know what's crackalacking up in the D.

TO: Lemme break this down for you muthafucka. If you ever, ever catch more balls than me, more TDs than me, or get more yards than me in a game I'll have someone follow you home from the game and remove your testicles one at a time with a pair of pliers and some fingernail clippers. Not the fucking the big toe nail clippers either bitch.

Roy: Terrel, listen ma....

TO: What the fuck you just call me? Did you just call me Terrell? Let's get another thing straight you faggot ass bitch. Don't nobody but my mama call me Terrell you punkass, I'll let Jerry get away with that shit because he's the boss and all, but don't you ever fucking call me Terrell again or I will drop a whole barrel of ass whip up in your sorry Detroit Lion asshole. You got me boy?

Roy: OK, then TO man, I ain't about stealing none of the highlights. I am here to win that's all.

TO: You fuckhead! You just don't get it do you. {grabs Roy by the neck and begins to squeeze}

Roy: {gasping for breath) I get it TO, I get it. Let go!!

TO: Wait a fuckin minute. Did you just tell me to let go? Don't nobody tell TO what the fuck to do, you hear that bitch?

Roy: Yeah man, I hear you, I hear you. Listen dawg I just want to get along with you and be on this successful team right beside you man. If you succeed, I succeed and vice versa, and if we both succeed the team succeeds and then we can take this thing all the way to the big show!!

TO: Do you ears even fuckin work Roy? Do they? Can you even fuckin hear me? Do I need to get a fucking sign language translator bitch up in here so you can understand the words coming out of my mouth son?

Roy: TO, this is getting a little out of hand man. I ain't gots no beef wit ya bro. It'll be cool let's just see how things shake out during the 1st game.

TO: Do I need to bitch slap the dumbness out of your fucking head Roy cuz you ain't gettin it? {raises hand}

Roy: No man, that's not necessary. I don't see what the big deal is dude.

TO: Let me break it down for you. I still haven't even had a 100 yard game yet. I'm a fuckin superstar and you ain't so just realize that and everything will be aight.

Roy: What the fuck ever TO.

TO: Listen up biotch! I need you to get hurt and miss the season is what I need from you. Everybody around here is hurt and that was my chance to become the face of this team. I was going to be the one to put the team on my back and carry this franchise to glory land and then you come along and fuck it all up. Jerry would have had my face on posters and signs all over this shit hole redneck cowboy fucking town. This is my chance Roy and you are not going to fuck it up, you hear me!! YOU WILL NOT FUCK ME UP ROY!!! So, get injured and make it a good one, I don't want no fake hamstring bullshit. I want a god damn broken bone mother fucker, and not no Tony Romo pinky finger bullshit. I already gots beef with that bitch for fucking me up by saying he is playing this weekend. So get out there, have a good practice, and break a fuckin leg, and I mean that you little bitch. YOU HEAR MUTHA FUCKER!

{turns around....Roy had already left the room...in walks Wade Phillips}

Wade: Damn it TO, practice started 7 minutes ago! Why the hell aren't you out there? That new guy Roger or Ralph or whatever the hell his name is already has one up on you. Get your punkass on the field now!!!

Today's Fictional NFL Player's Game Day Menu: Shaun Rogers, #92 Browns, 6' 4", 350 lbs

Breakfast:

1 dozen eggs fried in bacon grease
2 pounds of thick country style bacon
6 biscuits and gravy
14 pancakes
3 waffles
a fifth of syrup
1 loaf of white toast
6 sticks of butter - straight up
1 half gallon of OJ
1 half gallon of whole milk


Lunch:

How ever many all you can eat Chinese buffets he passes on the way to the stadium.


Pre Game:

4 pounds of chicken, beef, pork, and steak alfredo
2 loaves of garlic bread
4 pints of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream (flavor doesn't matter)


Post game prior to reaching locker room:

20 pieces of KFC fried chicken (half orignal/half crispy)
1 large side of mash potatoes with extra gravy
6 biscuits with a 1/2 gallon of honey
1 gallon of whole milk


Once in locker room:

1 dozen crispy creme glazed donuts
2 large pizzas - one supreme, one topped with fried chicken, a honey baked ham, and 1 tub of butter
2 slabs of ribs
1 pound of curly fries
4 pounds of tortilla chips
3 jars of queso
1 two foot by 4 foot Carvel ice cream cake
4 packs of Oreos

dAndy's Own Exclusive - TMA Call - Peyton and Eli - Week 6

We here in dAndyville, excuse me, I here in dAndyville have obtained exclusive rights to the phone call made between Peyton Manning and Eli Manning every Tuesday AM after all the football for the week is over. Here's what's shaking for week 6.



{ring, ring}

Eli: Hi there, you have reached the Manning residence. Sorry we aren't available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and we'll get back to you. BEEP

Peyton: Hey Eli, it's Peyton, gimme a call when you...

Eli : {laughing hysterically} Did I get you?

Peyton: Huh?

Eli: I got you didn't I, bro? You thought it was my answering machine when it was really me the whole time. Hahaha, that's so much fun!

Peyton: Yeah, you got me little bro. So what's shakin man?

Eli: Not much . We lost big time. What about you?

Peyton: Well, man I had the game I have been wanting to have finally. We blew out Baltimore big time. I threw for almost 3 hunny and 3 TDs. That was the real PeyPey out there boy lemme tell ya. Did you see the game since you weren't playing?

Eli: Yeah I watched it.

Peyton: Well, what ya think man? Did I do good or what? Me and Marv got in synch. He caught a couple TDs.

Eli: I have a question for you bro.

Peyton: What's that little bro?

Eli: I kept seeing something during the game that caught my eye. Your field is that fake grass stuff right?

Peyton: Yep, it's the latest in the top of the line artificial turf.

Eli: Well, how come I could see dirt flying up when people were running and stuff?

Peyton: It's fake dirt man.

Eli: What? You guys have fake dirt!!

Peyton: Yep fake dirt! So anyway I think I've found my groove again. Peyton Manning is back on track.

Eli: So this fake dirt stuff, do you get dirty from it?

Peyton: No, you don't get dirty it's fake.

Eli: Well, it must not be top of the line then because if it was really high quality fake dirt wouldn't it get you dirty?

Peyton: Dude, it's the best fake dirt there is. I'm hoping to carry this momentum into Green Bay next week. I love playing there now that Favre is gone. He was always so intimidating.

Eli: So it doesn't get you dirty, that's weird. What does it feel like?

Peyton: Man, it feels like dirt. Let's just talk some football.

Eli: Sorry man, but this fake dirt is intriguing. {grins because he used such a big word} So is it like little balls of fake dirt, or is it like little flakes, or is it like little cubes? Is it squishy or hard?

Peyton: Man, all I ever want to do is talk football with my little bro and you talk about some stupid shit Eli. When are you gonna grow up and be mature like me?

Eli: Hey bro.

Peyton: Yeah.

Eli: Do you think you could sneak some fake dirt in a bag and mail it to me?

Peyton: Screw you Eli!!! {hangs up}

Fantasy Report - Week 6

My fantasy team finally showed up this week and the shopping spree I went on paid off. I'm probably jinxing myself writing that I won this week when it's not officially over yet, but I am rather confident that my 45 point lead won't be surpassed by my opponent's only remaining player, Eli "The Oreo lover" Manning.

Let's kick it off with some QB action. I started Chad Pennington, or C. Pen as we like to call him here in the biz, and he delivered a solid stash of points. 284 yards, 2 TDs (one was on that wicked wildcat formation play) and 1 pick. I didn't check to know for sure, but I believe the 16 pts he scored is more than the other QBs I have started the 1st 5 weeks combined. OK, I just checked, in the 1st 5 weeks my QBs combined for 26 pts, so yeah his 16 pt day was killer for me.

My RBs had mediocre games with no touchdowns, but I won (hopefully) so it's all good. Purple Jesus put up 111 yards, but coughed it up twice (my team had 4 fumbles and a pick this week, thank my 3 testicles that I didn't need those 10 pts). Steve Slaton had a lackluster 58 yards. Chris Johnson will be back in next week after the bye and hopefully Willie Parker will be healthy. I am still waiting on AP to have that breakout day that Jimmy Kimmel will talk about on Direct TV commercials next year.

As for the WRs, Andre Johnson finally had the day I had been waiting for. 178 yds and a TD (not going to talk about his fumble) to lead my WR crew. Brandon Marshall had a solid day with 98 yds including a stupid fumble, but didn't score a TD. DeSean Jackson also had 98 yds and threw a little return yardage in there for me too. He is on bye this week, so I'll either start 3 RBs or snag up a WR.

TE wise was brutal this week. With Kellen Winslow's mystery illness still keeping him pinned down (I personally think he may have gotten a hamster or gerbil stuck in his ass) I started Fasano from Miami. This could have been a potential double up scoring situation with C. Pen at the helm, but he only mustered out 12 yds.

Ah the kicker, Mason Crosby brought in a solid 11 points with 2 FGs and 3 PATs. Atta boy.

Now you might be wondering how it is that I have a 45 point lead with this pretty much load of mediocrity. Well, my opponent just so happened to totally suck ass cheese this week and my defense put on a show. With Pitt on a bye I picked up Tampa Bay's defense. I almost swapped them out last minute, but decided to go with my gut and it paid off big time. They only allowed Carolina to score 3 pts, blocked a kick and returned it for a TD, and snagged 3 picks for a 23 point day. That was the kicker for me. Now I just have to decide whether to hang on to TB's defense or pick Pittsburgh back up this week.

I love fantasy football!!

From zee couch - Dr. C - 10/13/08 Update

dAndy haz had very very very good veek diz veek. It appearz zat heez recommended treatments haz zerved zer purpose and dAndy haz been able to overcome zee negative criticizm zurrounding heez blog. dAndy's confidenze haz been reeztablizhed and he zhould be pozting many many many more timez very very very zoon. I zhall remain to keep cloze eyez on heem to enzure he remainz on heez ztraight path to zuccess.

dAndy's Own Exclusive - TMA Call - Peyton and Eli - Week 5

We here in dAndyville, excuse me, I here in dAndyville have obtained exclusive rights to the phone call made between Peyton Manning and Eli Manning every Tuesday AM after all the football for the week is over. There were some technical hurdles to jump through with this being the first week so this is a little late. I hope to be more timely on this in the future, so look for this again come Tuesday or 3 weeks from now, who knows. Either way here it is in all it's glory.



{phone rings}

Eli: Yello.

Peyton: Hey bro, it's Peyton.

Eli: What up brozilla?
Peyton: Just checking in man, seeing how things are going.

Eli: Good we won again. {licks the center out of an Oreo}

Peyton: yeah, us too. It was a crazy game. We pulled out another last minute win we shouldn't have got. Did you see any highlights?

Eli: Man I'm glad we did those Oreo commercials. I love Oreos.

Peyton: Yeah me too. Did you see any highlights on ESPN?

Eli: Dude, which is your favorite Oreo? I like the ones with white chocolate on the outside the best, but it is harder to get to the creamy white center first.

Peyton: Dude, can we talk about some football here or what?

Eli: Yeah sure bro, but I think I just discovered the best way to get to the creamy white center of a white chocolate Oreo. What you do is nibble off the hard chocolate outside a little bit at a time and when you're done you have a regular Oreo left. So it's like you get all that crunchy white chocolate for free.

Peyton: bro, you are kidding me right? Let's talk about the NFL brah!

Eli: Bro, lose the tude we can talk football. I just get so excited about how great these darn Oreos are that's all.

Peyton: OK man, it's cool. So anyway we pretty much got our butts beat by Houston and then got super lucky and won it at then end. You old bro put on a little show. Did you see the hit Rosenfels took. It was totally awesome!

Eli: Dude, they have Oreos with peanut butter and chocolate cream. Can you believe it?

Peyton: Screw it Eli I'm calling dad.

{ring, ring, ring}

Archie: Pap Bear manning here.

Peyton: Hey Dad it's PeyPey.

Archie: Hey bud, what's up?

Peyton: Just checking in, wanted to talk about some football with you Pops.

Archie: 10-4 little buddy. Hey, have you tried the new mint cream Oreos yet?

Peyton: Fuck me! {hang up}

Purple Jesus didn't even use lube

PJ doinked me hard last night. Thanks for shattering my far fetched dreams of winning in fantasy this week with your stellar 32 yds on 21 carries performance againts the Saints you ass muncher!

Fantasy Football Blows

I hate fantasy football. Yeah, that's right I fuckin hate it. I know, I know, I just said a week or so ago how much I love fantasy, but now I wish the poindexter with no athletic ability whatsoever that satisfied his lifelong dreams of stepping on the field by deciding to have a game in which he lives vicariously through a roster of players that actually are on the field would have just ended up being a puddle in his mother's belly button instead of ever being brought in to the world. I got fucked this week in case you couldn't tell!!!!

Let's start with the QBs. I had Hasselbeck and Trent Edwards. I played Trent, go figure. He gets knocked the fuck out like 3 plays in. Just f'n great! What did my back up do? SUCK, that's what he did. Needless to say I went on a fantasy QB shopping spree this AM and at 50 cents a pop I was a big spender. I tossed my garbage QBs away and got Pennington and Carson Palmer. I'm sure to win the $$ now!!!! What am I saying? I'm screwed!!!

How about my WRs you say? Oh guess what, they fucked me too. DeSean Jackson made a little magic happen for dAndy with his return TD, but if I combine his rec'v yards with Mar Har and Brandon Marshall I get a grand total of 65 frickin yards and no TDs. Just shoot me and take me out of my misery now. Oh yeah, and Roddy White who I dropped last week blows up and scores a TD, love it. Not to mention I benched Andre Johnson who has consistently fucked me all year, only to get reversed fucked by him this week with a 131 yd performance with a TD, thanks allot asshole! Marvin Harrison got tossed (fuck you by the way) this AM and this week it'll be Marshall, DeSean, and Andre getting me back on track right? DOUBT IT!

As for the TE, I guess I can't complain. I picked up Fasano from Miami since Winslow was on a bye and he caught a few passes for 47 yds. Way to put that extra effort in to gain one more yard after the catch so I can get another point in this jacked up scoring system I'm in cocktard.

Ah the RBs. I put some faith into Chris Johnson even though he was facing Baltimore's strong D. I figure they will try to stuff the middle and the speedster will break outside and bust up some shit. Well, I was wrong, way wrong. I got two points out of him. Adrian Peterson aka Purple Jesus is my only hope as he's playing tonight. Sounds good except for the fact that I am down 23 points and facing Drew Brees. There's always that slim chance he could rush for 250 yds and 4 TDs and Drew gets hurt driving to the stadium right? I mean that far fetched last glimpse of pulling off a win that like could actually happen in real life!

And that's why I love fantasy football.

The next best football league!!!

Holy shit! I just stumbled across something mag-fuckin-nificent. It's a lingerie football league. Check it out from With Leather.

From zee couch - Dr. C

Hello zer. My name iz Dr. Cindamind, and I am dAndy'z pzychiatrizt. Today I'mz goingz to take you along vit me for an increeeedible journey inzide to zee inner vorkingz of his vittle brain. Thiz veek dAndy haz had hard time dealing vit zee deprezzion regarding zee commentz zat were directed at zee quality of hiz weblog or blog az you americanized peoplez zo call it. Zee hate inzpired commentz haz rezulted in dAndy hazzing feelingz of tearful zadness inzide hiz heart. Theeze feelingz haz made him afraid to vrite anyzing for hiz weblog az he fearz more negative commentary may be projected hiz vay if he zhould pozt more arteecles on hiz blog. dAndy haz very very very fragile feelingz zat when put in zad place can makez him curl up into zee feetal pozition on zee floor of zee zhower and zlowly zob until he fallz azleep in a puddle of hiz own tearz.

I haz prezcribed zat dAndy take zee following actionz for theeze upcoming veekend in order to cure hiz large feelingz of zadness:

#1 - He needz to conzume enormous amountz of zee alcohol in order to remove hiz thoughtz from zee negativity. Theez vill alzo helpz heem to reestablizh hiz confidence in hiz ablilitiez to contrive what it iz he vishes to vrite about it.

#2 - dAndy neez to geet lotz of zleep! Zo no waking up before zee lunch hour.

#3 - I haz recommended that he spend all of Zaturday watching every pozzible moment of zee college footbal that iz pozzible az it will alzo free zee mind. Ezpecially zee Gatorz verzuz Arkanzaw.

#4 - dAndy will be requezted to break away from zee collegiate footbal gamez when zee fight between Kimbo and Zhamrock comes on. He muzt alzo zee zee fight with the preeety young lady girl as well. She'z zee hot ztuff dAndy needz to be thinking about az he fallz quietly to zleep in a drunken ztate zo that he weel haz very very very zweet dreamz in hiz sleep.

#5 - On Zunday I prezcribe that he zhould be completley inundated with zee NFL football vhile keeping cloze vatchful eye on the fantazy impacts by zee playz throughout zee day. Along with zee football dAndy muzt bring TV from garage to inzide or TV from inzide to garage zo he can concurrently view zee NASCAR raze at zee big track in Talladega. (I did not tell dAndy thiz, but if zee Dale Jr vould vin the raze it would truly be zee boozt he needz to geet back on the track [no pun intended - Dr. C funny guy vright?])

#6 - The Zunday night football contezt betveen zee Jaguarz and The Zteelers iz alzo zomezing zat dAndy zhould not mizz. A victory by zee Jagz will only take heem furzer along in heez journey to complete healing and alzo help heem to have happy happy dreams after vatching the pretty leaderz of the cheerz do zer vittle dancing at game.

I feel that by takin zeez ztepz dAndy shall regain hiz self ezteem and natural talentz of creating funny haha ztuff for hiz weblog. Although, I did not order dAndy to haz hiz clipboard and pen and paper with him at all timez, I did make zee reccomendation zat he should keep it cloze by in caze hiz giftz return zurpizingly.

My only conzern iz zat zee teamz dAndy wants to vin could loze and he could loze in zee fantazy football. If one or all of zeez zings take plaze. It could zend dAndy into zpiraling virlvind of dizazter in vich I do not know if I could help heem to revcover from.

Good veekend to all, zee you next time. - Dr. C

Breaking News! Breaking News! Special F'n Report!

I received some life changing information today! Apparently there are significantly more people viewing this here little blog than I was aware of. Just as I am thinking there were only like four people that even look at dAndy's Own I found out there are like four more people that look at this. So yeah, I just found out that my viewership is at least double that of what I expected. Oh yeah, look out KSK and BFO, dAndy is an up and comer in the blogoshpere!

There is only one catch. These people know me and know me well and it just so happens they believe everything on here (I really did kill that hog by the way). The best part about it is that some of these folks haven't believed a word out of my mouth for like 5 fucking years. Hell, my integrity was already questioned today by one of them. However, there is something magically good that has come from this. If you have credibility issues with a loved one or family member just create your own blog and all of your problems will be solved. That's right, if you read something on the Internet it has to be true! So let me check to see if www.iwishmywifewouldbelieveme.blogspot.com is available. Bingo you're in!

If that was your blog and you were caught up in some shit just blog about it and then wait for the people involved to find out. Here's an example.....

I feel so hurt right now. A great relationship is based upon trust, I know that much, but for some reason it just isn't there. Why won't she believe me when I tell her that I didn't get a lap dance when I went to that titty bar and that we didn't even drink more than one beer a piece and that we were only there for like twenty minutes.....

Bada bing bada boom! You're off the hook.

So back to the jist of this post. If you know me, or if you don't know me (I could give 2 shits) and you don't like what you are reading here the solution is superty duperty simple. Don't come back to dAndyville. Seriously, if you never come back to my blog the world will be at peace, gas will drop to less than $2 a gallon, and all of the illnesses and diseases of the world will have a cure. Yep, it's that fucking simple.

OK, so now to clear up one thing. In my previous post about the Jags Pre-Season game I attended I made a terrible mistake in posting this.....

"So, some important notes from the game. No more taking the kids until they are A: old enough to drive my drunk ass home, B: old enough to get sauced up at the game with me. So you may see them back in 9-10 years."

I am terribly sorry about this statement. I completely forgot that in this state you can drive at the age of 15 if you are riding with a licensed driver over the age of 21. So check that to 8-9 years before they go to another game with me. ;-)

By the way, while I am at it and clearing the air I just want to confess that I occasionally masturbate to 70+ year old women baking chicken pot pies wearing nothing but an apron. Whatever floats your boat or sinks your submarine right?

Peace - dAndy out

P.S. I was also told I have a dumb ass blog and it really hurt my feelings. :-(

Gina Carano

I loosely follow MMA, mostly WEC on versus and the occasional UFC bout. I'm definitely looking forward to the Kimbo vs Shamrock action on October the 4th. I just need someone to tell me why the fuck I haven't heard or seen of this chick yet??? She is smoking hot NO DOUBT and she was an American Gladiator!!!

WTF is up with Tony's hair?!?

Ok, I believe it's safe to assume that pretty much everybody hates the MNF commentators, IE this blog article from Doc Holliday. Along with the annoying commentary belies a much bigger problem for me. That problem is Tony Kornholer's hair!!!!

Yeah, it's abso-fuckin-lutely fucktastic to say the LEAST. I tried to find an image of it, but had no luck at all. Maybe it's because every camera that tried to capture it magically locked up or had a malfunction. Anyways, this dude needs to make some changes ASAP. Does anyone know how to get my TV to blur just his head out? That's the only way I think I can stomach another MNF. Basically this dude has the 3-4 strand combover kickin with the Billy Ray Cyrus poof bustin up out da back. I ain'ts queer or nothin, but this guys needs to man up and either shave his whole gourd or go classic baldy and just have the short hair on the sides and back. I'm lucky enough to still have my hair, but if I do lose it and anywhere remotely come close to the TK flip poof someone please shoot me on sight! Thanks!

dAndy Vs. Wild

I dropped a big ass hog this past weekend. There wasn't a scale at the camp, but minimum guess is over 300 lbs. One of the guys thought it could be 400 lbs. Check him out. Old dude had tusks and everything.

Fantasy Report - Week 3

Done. I am fucking done!! I was able to have yet another lackluster day of performance from my so called "STUD" performers in fantasy. Basically my QBs suck balls. I need to be in a fantasy league that gives points to the QB for each succesful snap he takes. Seriously, that's how bad I need points.

Dude - "How'd you do in fantasy dAndy?"
Me - "f'n great man. Matt Cassel took like 72 successful snaps today. I'm king of
the world bro!!"

I lost this week and I could have prevented it with some roster changes prior to kickoff. Who knew Mar Har would actually show up and make some plays? Oh well, live and learn, no make that die and learn. If the dude I played would have played his roster differently I would have got blown away instead of being down by 5 on Monday with no players remaining. Why you ask? Because he had Ronnie fuckin Brown and his near 40 pt performance on the bench. He could have just about beat me with just Ronnie. THAT IS HOW BAD MY TEAM SUCKED!!! My only bright spot was Brandon Marshall again, which is not really too bright because he will probably get picked up by Denver police for beating the shit out of somebody a while back. That's how this bullshit rolls man...I hate fantasy sooooo much!!!! I wish it would have never been invented by some geek that was always to uncoordinated and small to ever step on the field and felt the need to live vicariously through the stars of the NFL.

At least the jags beat the Colts though......

Greatest Gator Football Game Memory - Tennessee 2006 - pt 1

I thought it would only be fitting with the Florida vs. Tennessee game approaching this weekend that I would share what is probably the greatest College Football experience I have ever had. Well, I'll tell you what, I'll call this solid Top 3 action. I've got another one in store for Florida/Georgia as well, but I'll save that for late October.

If you are looking for a great story with details about the game itself, go ahead and click on something else. This is about the camaraderie and the experience of traveling to Tennessee from North East Florida (approx 550 miles in case you needed to know). It's an epic fucking story, one that will be passed down to dAndy generations to come. How cool is that shit? 100 years from now some guy I'll be related to will sit his son down and the story will start with your great, great, great grandpappy dAndy journeyed into the heart of Knoxville to see the Gators spank some Rocky Top ass back in 2000.......This will be a long one so I'll break it up into parts. I am sure there is a small % of the thousands of people that read this this here site that may find it tiring if it's more than 4 or 5 paragraphs. Hell, most of you are probably done with this shit already, so I'll march in to the story!

There were 9 of us that decided to take this excellent adventure, I knew most of them for the most part. One guy I had known since kindergarten. Our closeness would only grow on this trip. Crazy Marko was the decided leader, but it wasn't because of his astute decision making or mental capability. In fact, Crazy Marko only went because he was over 25 and could legally rent an RV. That's right we piled up in a RV with a Keg in the shower and departed around 4pm Friday before the game.

We arrive in Tennessee a little after midnight. The ride up was interesting with each of us taking turns at the wheel. Especially considering we never actually stopped the RV until we got to Tennessee. I chose to drive early and get my shift out of the way so I could get my drink on. Upon arrival we selected what appeared to be a great location to park. There were some tennis courts on the side of the road we parked on and you could see the stadium straight down the road ahead of us for a ways. That along with some older looking houses on the other side of the street was our home away from home. Little did we know at that time we had parked on fraternity road, but that didn't stop us from drinking until 430 in the morning....

I needs me some ESPN Deportes!!!

Man, I am loving Hispanic Heritage month so far. We start off with all of the senoritas in the MNF pregame which was OK. It added a little flavor to the celebration of my Week 2 fantasy win thanks to Witten not catching a TD. However, what has sold the deal for me is the Sportscenter break ins by ESPN Deportes host, Adriana Monsalve. Man this chick is smoking hot. Nothing like hearing some gorgeous chick with a sexy as fuck accent talking sports. It just gets the ol' juices flowing if you catch my drift.

OK, I'm off to see how much a subscription to ESPN Deportes cost. Sure, I will probably get 22.97 hours of Futbol with my subscription but it's worth the hour or so of Adriana NO DOUBT!!!!

Holy Schnikees!

I fucking pulled it off. Thank you Mr. Jason Witten and Mr. Tony Romo for only scaring the shit of me by letting him catch 7 balls for 110 yards and ZERO TD's. Even though I had a shitty week I still won by 3. 2-0 so far let's see what week 3 has in store. Did I mention how much I love fantasy football?

Week 2 Fantasy Update......

I hate this shit. How can only one of my fantasy players get a TD? No seriously, how does this shit happen? Adrian Peterson gets 160 yds on the ground and 20 via air and no TDs. That along with the solid performances from Willie P, Chris Johnson and Matt Cassel and the only fucking TD I get comes from Brandon Marshall. The scoop....I am up by 8, my opponent has Jason Witten tonight. I hope he catches a case of turf toe or some other weird bullshit to prevent him from catching any passes tonight. I can hope can't I!!!!!!

The mostest amazing fantastical idea ever......

Last week watching football was fan-fuckin-tastical, especially when you are watching the game with two other dudes that are in the same fantasy league as you and even more so when you are playing one of them that week. It was some amazingly entertaining shit! Pretty much every play of every game could affect you in some way. However, I realized there is one play in football that doesn't really get the fantasy blood flowing through my alcohol thinned blood. Sure there is a slim chance your defense could block it and return for a TD or the return guy could break it loose, but aside from that there is no point in getting too excited for a punt especially once it hits the ground. That is until you get a frickin punter in the line up. That's right I want a punter as part of the fantasy rosters.

Think about it, the punter has absolutely no pressure from fantasy owners whatsoever. Sure he could muff the snap, but is that going to really bite you in the ass that hard? Well, I am out to change that. Scoring would be simple and it would bring yet another piece of the fantasy puzzle in to play. Could you imagine being down by a couple of points to your opponent on a Monday night, it's late in the game, and all you want is the drive to stop short of the 40 yard line so your boy can get out there an punt the shit out of one inside the 5 for you to win the week? You know how the players just let it bounce around for a bit? What if it was your one point that could make the difference and the fagtard white boy that is so excited to be on special teams in the NFL and is so proud to be the first man down field just so he can touch the football on TV stops the ball before it goes past the 10 yard line robbing you of a victory? Or you get one of those wacky bounces that shoots it back past the 20 yard line only to fuck you out of some points. I personally love the fucking idea, but hey, I am the fucktard that came up with it! You don't like it you say? Well, then bite my fat hairy white ass!

Scoring System -

45+ yard punt = 1 pt
50+ yard punt = 2 pts
60+ yard punt = 3 pts
Inside the 20 = 1 pt
Inside the 10 = 2 pts
Inside the 5 = 3 pts
Fumbled Snap = -2 pts
Blocked punt = -2 pts
Blocked punt resulting in a safety = -4 pts
Blocked punt returned for TD = -6 pts
Fake Punts = Standard passing/receiving/running scoring rules

Sure a punter may be the last pick in your draft, but could you imagine researching for the shittiest offense in the league just so you could get a guy that punts alot? Either that or trading around each week looking for the punter that's facing the toughest defense. Oh yeah, instant change of the excitement of fantasy football. I'll take Donnie "My leg may fall off from punting so damn much" Jones from the Rams for starters!!!

Miami vs Florida.....at the swamp!!!

Yep, I went to the game in Gainesville last week. And from what I remember I had a great fuckin time. Let's see...I remember riding down there. I remember getting there. I remember it being hot as fuck. I remember drinking a lot. I remember seeing the College Gameday bus. I remember the Gators won. I remember traffic blows. I remember some bar we went in after the game. And then I remember getting home at 4am. Ask me for any more details and I don't know that I could help you.

Fantasy Report - Week 1

Ok, so week one is did and damn it if I am not the number one team in my league. I can see the prize money dangling in front of me, but shit there is a hole lotta season left. I pretty much dominated my oponent (won by 21) even after a lackluster performance from Hasselback (actually downright shitty is more like it). All I can say is Willle Parker is my fuckin hero of the week. Oh yeah and so is Ben Pollard!!! Sorry about your luck you Boston assholes.

This was probably the most fun I have ever had watching football, well top 10 all time at least. Me and 2 of my neighbors are in the same league so we all met up at one of their houses. Picture this, there were 3 big ass dudes all piled up on a couch so close to each other our leg hairs were touching. I know, kind of fagtard like, but what the fuck ever we were watching football. We had the laptop set up on the coffee table and the games on the flat screen talking mad shit the hole way through. I love how fantasy pretty much has you involved in every frickin game there is. You either have someone playing in a game or your opponent has someone in there and it makes for some riveting channel flipping.

I pretty much had standard performances across the board. I subbed Roddy White for Mar Har which got me a couple of points I wouldn't have had and other than Fast Willie there was nothing too special. I called Kellen Winslow's TD as it happened which was f'in sweet as hell. Pittsburgh's D showed up for me as well. Adrian Perterson's little TD put my over the top for most points in the league. I love having a fucking stud playing on a Monday night!!!!

The funniest shit was watching the Colts/Bears game Sunday night. I had Vinateri, one neighbor had Addai, and the other (who I played against Week 1) had Reggie Wayne. It made for some interesting shit since all of us had somebody involved. First off the guy with Reggie was predicting a 5 TD performance so he could beat me. Every fucking play was look at Reggie Wayne, Reggie Wayne's open, hit Reggie. He even was pulling for Reggie to play defense and pick one off and run it back. Abso-fuckin-lutely hilarious shit. The dude with Addai is pulling for some running plays. All I am pulling for is some decent drives not involving Wayne that result in FGs. Then of course I rubbed in the fact that if their dudes scored I would get a point too. So yeah, it was some fun shit.

As for transactions I decided to be a fuckstick and dropped Matt Schaub to pick up Matt Cassel. I fuckin detest the Patriots so don't think I got him for that reason, I picked him up just to cock block the dude who had Brady from getting him. I'm an ass deal with it. Not to mention the dude who had Brady finished 2nd in points. It's all about strategy baby! I think Cassel will do pretty damn good considering the system he is in and all of the superstars around him. I am also hoping this hikes up the Pat's running game since I have Maroney. I also dropped Chester Taylor and picked up Chris Johnson from Tennessee. I think he has some big fantasy scoring potential. He can flat out fly. Plus he wore out my Jags.

We'll see what happens.....bring on week 2!!!

It's Official - Fantasy Is Kickin Off!!!

OK, so the draft went down last night and my team is sot. Some REALLY bright spots and some REALLY BIG question marks. Not sure whether to go ahead and trade for the cream of the crop leftovers or let it ride. My brain is going a gazillion miles an hour and after the NFL.com fantasy football preview guide sat untouched on my desk for a month now I'm flipping the pages so fast it looks like one of the 19 fricking hurricanes/tropical storms/tropical depressions/tropical waves that are lining up on Florida's ass is up in that shit. Here's what I got...so far....

Starters -

QB - Matt Hasselback (please don't get your old ass hurt)
WR - Andre Johnson (can you make some shit happen this year?)
WR - Marvin Harrison (hmmm. will he steal some thunder from Reggie?)
RB - Adrian fuckin Peterson (come on buddy, I'm already leaning on you!!!)
RB - Laurence Maroney (will Billy B let this man showcase his skills this year?)
TE - Kellen Winslow (put up some WR numbers for me like you did last year!)
W/R - Willie Parker (get some touchdowns to go with the google of yards bro)
K - Adam Vinateri (let's go Peyton let's go-just not when playing Jax)*
DEF - Pittsburgh (projected for fewest points allowed, we'll see)

Bench -

WR - Brandon Marshall (fuckin great,the suspended guy, potential though)
WR - Roddy White (possible break through year, keepin him for now)
RB - Chester Taylor (potential trade meat, but what if AP gets hurt??)
QB - Matt Schaub (stay healthy dude, just stay healthy!!!)

So yeah, fantasy is back, I'm an addict. It's crazy how much you can fuckin love and hate something at the same damn time. Bring on week 1 baby!!!

*This is a situation that drives me fuckin nuts when it comes to fantasy. I was actually pulling for Reggie Wayne to put up some nasty numbers when the Colts faced Jax on Monday night last year. This damn "game" makes you pull for the enemy. What have we got ourselves in to?????

College Football Is Back!!!

That pretty much says it all. I wore out my previous channel button on the DirectTV remote this weekend no doubt. It was all good. Last night's game was instant classic material if you ask me. What about the intro ESPN provided just before the game last night? Absofuckinlutley awesome. I had goosebumps watching that shit!

So what was the best of the 1st week of college football? Lemme know!

Greatest Race Memory.....

I've been to a few races here and there over the years. Several Daytona 500s and 400s which includes the Firecracker 400s from back in the day. One was the July race in 1990 when like 25 cars crashed right in front of me in turn 1 on the 1st or 2nd lap. I had chunks and flakes of rubber from the tires falling all over me. I can still vividly remember "The King" riding back to the garage on the hood of his #43 STP car wearing his legendary cowboy hat in tow behind the wrecker waving to all the fans. Yeah, that was the very 1st race I ever attended and I was hooked. I also went to the Atlanta Spring race in 2005 which was a completely boring race up until Carl Edwards passed Jimmy Johnson for the win on the last lap coming out of turn 4 bumpin and bangin all the way. The best part about that was that we were sitting next to 2 big time JJ fans from up north who were drinking Seagram's 7 and Sprite all day talking mad shit throughout the race. Then Carl won and they magically disappeared. I could go on for days about the memories of races I have attended, but nothing compares to Talladega in the fall of 2004. By far the best race I have ever seen P.E.R.I.O.D!

I went with my wife at the time and her parents. You're probably thinking wow that sounds great. Well, it wasn't great, it was f'in awesome to put it mildly. After a 7+ hour car ride and one stop at a kick ass Pecan Farm store (great shit is all I can say) we arrive at the Super 8 motel just outside of Talladega, in a town called Sylacauga. Nothing 5-star, but perfect in so many ways. This joint was conveniently located next to a bar with a Wal-mart (aka redneck heaven) across the street so we were sot! Now it was time to get busy.

After several cold beers and grilling some steaks in the motel parking lot (can't beat it) we meet a guy named Steve. Steve is with the band playing at the bar next to the motel and invites us to see them play. He even told us to tell the dude at the door we know Steve with the band and we could get right in there no problem. We was gonna be VI muthafuckin Ps baby!

So we continue to hit the sauce in preparation to head the to "The Tavern" as it's called and the next thing you know a hauler pulls into the hotel parking lot. And to our surprise it was hauling an Elliot Sadler M&Ms car. Holy Shit!!! We couldn't believe it. We talk to the driver and discover it is just a demo car, but the thing does run. After begging to take her for a spin with no luck we settle for the guy firing up the engine and man it was frickin SWEET! That big V8 was purring like a kitty, actually roaring like a lion is more appropriate!

So off to The Tavern we go. We walk up to the door like we are total badasses. The dude at the door asks for the cover charge and we're like whoa buddy, we know Steve with the band. So after the awkward moment of silence and intimidating stare, we pay the cover and go in. We had arrived at redneck paradise.

For starters we quickly discover they this fine drinking establishment does not serve Bud Light in the bottle. If you wanted a Budweiser bottled product you had one choice and one choice only, Bud Ice, which my wife proudly downed like a champ. The wide array of canned beers was unsurpassed though I must say. First bar I have ever been in that actually had Busch Light available. So we grab our beers and grab a table. The first person to catch our eye cutting the rug was Elvira in the flesh (or so we thought). This chick had the black hair, the bangs, the black outfit, and the boobs down to the effin T. CLASSIC! She was tearing up the dance floor too. Then there was Steve and the boys jamming Southern Rock and Country on stage. "Hey Steve, remember us?" We were like groupies. So everyone is dancing and having a gold ol' time when it happens. The moment we had all been waiting for, but didn't know we were waiting for it. The band cranks out Sweet Home Alabama and dammit man this place was rockin and we knew we were in Dega without a doubt. The stage could not have been set any better!!!

I am awoken the next morning at like 430am, still drunk, and it's time to load up and head to the track. I AM S.T.O.K.E.D.! We get there before 6am and things are already stirring around the track. We fire up the Coleman grill and it's time for some bacon and eggs. That shit hit the spot. The sun begins to peak up after we eat and it's time for a little snooze, but wait, why sleep? We are in Dega baby and the track is just right there in front of us. I had to go drive the nextel simulators. What a BLAST! I'm not sure what I did, but I spent the last 15 seconds of the race flipping and rolling end over end. I guess it was my Elliot Sadler Talladega impersonation. Hell yeah, that shit was cool!

So the Busch Light drinking commences and a little while there after we head to the track. This of course after we hit the endless sea of trailers with shirts, hats, memorabilia, and everything in between. Once we got to our seats I was like DUDE! I was seriously like a kid in a candy store. This place was magnificent and our seats were killer. We sat on the very far left edge of the front grand stand probably a little over 3/4 of the way up. We had the most unbelievable view of what would eventually be cars coming out of Turns 3 into 4 and then down the front stretch. The next thing you know we all rose for the Star Spangled Banner and then then my most favorite part of the pre-race festivities, the FLYOVER. It was on baby!

From the get go it was pretty much all about the #8 Budweiser Chevy with Dale Jr. at the wheel. He dominated all the way up to the point in which he got caught in the pits under caution with like 20 laps to go. We went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in a split second. Jr. was done for, or so we thought. However, once that happened a totally effin awesome race got even better. When the green dropped on the restart what I witnessed was down right amazing. Jr. began passing cars at will and was literally driving his ass off. He gained around 17-18 spots in as many laps and when he took the lead I still to this day have never heard a crowd so loud. And believe me when I say that, it was nothing even compared to some of the greatest Gator games I've been to at the Swamp in Gainesville. The loudest I ever heard the swamp sound was like a funeral going on compared to the noise at Dega. The burnout outfuckinstanding, the post race comments fanfuckintastic. So fantastic in fact that it cost Jr. 25 points in the chase standings for dropping an "S" bomb on National Live TV. Jr basically just said it was some fun shit out there and I know it had to be considering how much fun it was to watch,

Jr. kind of fell off from that point on and ended up finishing 5th for the season, but at that moment in time I had never seen on TV, much less in person, such an amazing and entertaining race. If Jr. could drive with that kind of aggression, passion, and confidence these days I believe he'd be leading the points right now.