Fantastical Report - Week 12 - I is one lucky sumbitch!

First off I would like to say that last night's MNF game was the most enjoyable for me in quite some time. Nope, it had nothing to do with the quality of the game. It had to do with the fact that it didn't fucking matter one little eency bit! I had my fantasy victory secured after Sunday night's game. Now on to how I won this week, moved to 10-2, held on to the #1 spot, and why I'm a lucky sumbitch!

I went in to this week with high expectations. I picked up Pittsburgh's D early last week off waivers. With them facing Cincy I fully expected them bring home big points. I also had Willie "could you fuck me a little harder this season" Parker. He just had to blow up week 1 so I could hang on to the hopes of big games once his injury prone ass was healthy. I don't think that day will ever come this season. I am questioning if I should even keep him on the TellMeHowMyAssTaste! team at this point. They were projected for 25 points combined. What'd they end up putting out? 13 miserable points. I had fully planned on losing from that point on and then on Sunday the magic started happening.

I started what has become my super solid QB over the past 3 weeks, Tyler "Who woulda thunk he'd be a decent fantasy player earlier this season" Thigpen. Compared to the fucktastic QBs I have been forced to play over the course of this season Tyler is the fuckin' man! He put up 240 yds, 3 TDs, and picked up a point with 29 rushing yards. No need to discuss the 3 turnovers, although they could have bitten me in the ass. I'll probably ride his ass the rest of the season unless Kyle Orton steps up his play. I am also contemplating picking up Jeff "No seriously, he's not gay" Garcia since he is out there and projected for a strong end of season.

As for the rest of my posse I wouldn't say their play was shatty, but only Purple Jesus himself actually got a touchdown. Andre Johnson and Brandon Marshall had solid yardage. Slaton popped out 73 yds and Dustin Keller caught 42 yds. The fuck me of the day came from Josh "I was money until dAndy picked me up" Scobee. The fucker missed 2 FGs (one that hit me with negative points) within a couple of minutes of each other and ended the day with one FG and a PAT. I want to drop him, but he has the highest projected score for the remainder of the season. Arrggh!

My opponent this week took a massive schlonging. He bestowed upon me the victory by starting the one and only Donovan "uh" McNabb. His -3 total for the day saved a brotha! Dude had Favre on the bench. Maybe it's just me or maybe it's because I haven't had a decent QB in 2 frickin years, but when faced with the decision of starting McNabb versus Baltimore or Favre versus Tennessee I would have played Favre. That bayou fucker always does decent in big games. I was also blessed with the fact that not one single person on my opponent's team scored a TD.

It was a nerve racking week though. Going into Sunday night's game I was spunt and dude had Ladanian and Dallas Clark. I was certain my 19 point lead would get decimated, but then again I'm one lucky sumbitch!

So, I ended up with the second lowest score of the week and just so happened to play the dude with the worst score of the week. I guess this falls along the lines of it's better to be lucky than good. I just hope my luck continues for 3 more weeks!! Should I get a rabbit's foot or something?

As for the upcoming week I have a few concerns/delimmas/what the fuck should I dos. I'm a bit scared to play Pitt's D against New England's resurgent offense, but the only other decent options are NE's D or Jax versus Houston. I don't want to go with Jax because that will negate the effectiveness of Andre Johnson and Slaton should they score. I am thinking of dropping Willie P and/or Kellen Winslow to make some late season moves to carry me through the playoffs. Should I keep Dustin Keller instead of Winslow? There are several decent QBs out there - Pennington, Flacco, Trent Edwards, Delhomme, and Garcia. Should I stick with Scobee? Should I pick up another D? I hate this shit!

For the moment my starting lineup is as follows.....

QB - Tyler Thigpen vs. Oakland - Orton on the bench vs Minnesota
WR - Andre Johnson and Brandon Marshall - DeSean Jackson on the bench
RB - Slaton, Purple Jesus, and Chris Johnson - Willie P on the bench
TE - Dustin Keller - Kellen Winslow on the bench
K - Josh Scobee
D - Pittsburgh versus NE

As always comments and suggestions are appreciated!

dAndy's Weekly Crazy Fantasy Calls - Week 12

So this past Monday I told loyal commenter Upstate Underdog that Marshawn Lynch would get him the victory in fantasy this week. Then out of nowhere I told him that he would score a TD on a pass in the 2nd quarter. Doubt me? Then check it out! Needless to say I hit the nail on the fuckin head. So this made me realize that maybe I have a gift, a gift from who the fuck knows where, but netherless a fucking fantastical gift.

So I have decided that instead of using this gift to destroy the world I will use it for the good of the normal folk. So, do you have a fantasy worry or start/sit question? Post your comment and I will make my prediction. 100% guaranteed or your comment will be deleted like the bullshit never happened. At this particular moment in time I have never fucking ever been wrong on this shit. I may never ever get another one right either, but if you don't try me then we'll never know.

P.S. Just in case you were wondering I am 9-2 and the #1 team in my money fantasy league this year. Coincidence? Perhaps the fuck not!

Fantastical Report - Week 11

Well, what a fucktastic week for me in fantasy. After much debate I benched Mewelde and Willie P and played Slaton. That along with picking up and playing Tyler Thigpen were my moves of the week and the only reason I even have a chance of still winning. Pretty much every other player I had shat their pants. Andre Johnson - 55 yds NO TD, B Marsh - 89 yds NO TD, Chris Johnson - 88 total yds NO TD, Purple Jesus - 85 yds NO TD, Scobee - 2 PAfuckingTs. Yards are great in most leagues but in this league no TDs pretty much means very low points. I played Arizona's defense who had a decent day.

So with that said I take an 8 point lead into MNF. Here's the twist though. I have Kellen Winslow and my opponent has Brady Quinn. Kind of a fucked up situ if you ask me. So basically I need Quinn's only TD throws (if any) and the majority of his success to be to Winslow and I'm skraight. I'll get more points off the rec'v yds than he will for throwing with 20/pt vs 50/pt and if someone else gets a TD then I'll need some picks and/or fumbles to hang on to my lead. So I need all 2 of you to help me in pulling for Brady Quinn to either get in a car crash on the way to the game, oversleep and miss the game because of all the fun he had at a 12 guy orgy, or simply get knocked out of the game 1st play with a broken sphincter.

On another note, if I win this week I will stand alone a top the standings with a record of 9-2 bitches! The guy I am currently tied with at 8-2 is down by 40 pts with Marshawn Lynch left to play. Anyone predicting Marshawn to get 200 yds and 4 TDs tonight? Didn't think so.

This just in.....

....I'm going to the UF vs SC game Saturday. If you need to find me I'll be wearing an orange or blue shirt. Not sure which one yet, but I shouldn't be hard to find.

GO GATORS!!!!

Fantastical Report - Week 10

Well, well, well, dAndy done clinched a playoff spot! Had my best week of the year points wise in Week 10 even though I had some yuge let downs in performance and decision making. Either way I'm in 2nd spot with an 8-2 record.

I made a bonehead move last week and picked up Derek Anderson last Monday only to find out hours later that Brady Quinn was going to be the one shoving fingers up the center's ass in Cleveland. In that sense of panic I grabbed Flacco. Then late Friday dude dropped Kyle Orton, aka Neckbeard, aka Tony Eury Sr, so I dropped Flacco for him. I should have been more patient and kept Flacco for the week and played him over C Penn, but I can live with that. Hopefully Orton comes back with a bang and brings some game to what has been yet another year of shattyness from the QB spot in dAndyville as I get ready for a playoff run!

As for the let downs Andre Johnson didn't do much and Chris Johnson got shut the fuck down. I should have played DeSean Jackson instead of Andre no doubt! Chad Pennington had a typical day of almost putting up some big numbers. The Jags D had a respectful day in Detroit and Scobee was solid.

As for bitches blowing up I had Brandon Marshall and his late TD, Purple Jesus and his day of domination, Kellen and his staphtastic testicles had a big game as well. My pick up of the week....Mewelde fuckin Moore baby!!

So my projection for week 11 is a little low. Don't know if Orton is worth a shot if he does go (he says his chance of playing is good) with C Penn facing a horrible horrible Oakland team (Wildcat formation will be in for 6-8 plays I'm guessing). RB wise I'll leave Purple Jesus in for sure then it's a toss up for the other RB slot and flex slot. Options are DeSean, Chris Johnson (vs Jags at home), Willie "I might play this week" Parker or Mewelde vs San Diego, I've also got Slaton (vs Ind) riding some pine too. The WR slots look sharp with Andre Johnson and B Marsh. K Low will stay at TE and Scobee will hopefully bang in multiple FGs against the Titans. My gamble of the week....I picked up Arizona's defense last night before the game. They face a shitty Seahawks team that should have broken down QB Hasselbeck taking snaps. Pick 6 all day baby!

As always your comments/suggestions are appreciated! Good luck this week fuckers!

Early Fantasy Update - Week 10

Ladies and gentleman I am pleased to announce that I made the right fucking call and picked up Kellen Winslow and his staphtasically infected testicles this week. Also had Brandon Marshall in last night's game as well. So, in this ridiculously low scoring set up I got 25 points out of those two bitches. I was already predicted to have high score of the week based on projections and these two just exceeded projections by 16 points combined even with Kellen's fumble. Shit be looking good in dAndyville is all I can say.

Now I do have a couple of issues for the week. I was stoked about Willie P's return, but now he is doubtful for this week. I am ditching Roy Williams in trying to pick up Mewelde off waivers and will know something at midnight tonight. Let's say that doesn't work out then I have to either pick up someone else or go with DeSean, Slaton (against Baltimore), or Roy Williams. Any advice on that from you cuntpunchers out there would be greatly appreciated.

Also, in continuing my tradition of never having a stud QB I have to decide on Flacco or C Penn at QB. Got the tip on Flacco earlier in the week, he's up against Houston's shatty pass D in Houston. C Penn is playing Seattle at home. Both are projected for 10 pts. so that ain't gotdamn a bit of help.

I gots to get me a gotdamn sham wow!!!!

Man, usually don't fall for the infomercials ever since the set it and forget it rotisserie came out, but man this fucking sham wow thing is starting to get to me. I mean, this shit is absolutely frickin amazing. Maybe it's the guy just selling the shit out of it or maybe it's just me, but I can think of so many times in life where the sham wow would have been muthafuckin perrrrfect!

For starters I believe the guy selling the shit got the job because he was the top money taker at all of the traveling fairs in the United States. Dude probably started out at the game where you have to catapult the frogs on the lilly pads, got promoted to the ping pong ball in the fish bowl, then moved on to shoot the star out with the BB gun, and eventually landed the gig where you throw the darts at the balloon. And this all happened in just 7 short hours. Next thing you know he's got a Brittany Spears mike hooked to his head and he's on TV. Tell me you don't think the annoying fucker actually invented it?


Let's talk capability here. The sham wow can actually pull and entire can of soda out of the carpet without even applying any pressure. Do you realize what the potential there is? Lemme break it down rights quick. You have the fellas over watching some football and the ultimate party foul occurs. Brozilla has just spilled his beer on the carpet. Da du da duh da da nah na nah!!!! Ladies and gentleman I introduce the sham gotdamn wow. You suck that beer up out of the carpet lickity splizit and then wring it out into a cup. Homeboyee that fucked up and spilled his shit now has to drink his beer post carpet absorption. Next thing you know you gots dudes gripping their beers like it's forty-two one hundred dollar bills in their hand as they walk through Compton.

What am I thinking? You know this has to be some bull shit! I'm going to buy a weed auger now thank you very much!

Fantasy Report - Week 9

Let me just start off by saying that I fucking hate fantasy football, I SERIOUSLY MEAN IT THIS TIME TOO!

Yesterday started out great for me and the TellMeHowMyAssTaste! fantasy team. I had big production from everybody in the early games. dAndy was kicking ass and taking names baby. I had the high score going on, the sun was shining, birds were singing, a nice breeze was coming in off the ocean, the one team ahead of me in the rankings was struggling, I was on the way to being the number one team in the league. Adrian Peterson lit it up with 139 yds and a TD. Chris Johnson also did killer with 161 total yds and a TD. Andre Johnson delivered with 62 yds and a TD. While they got beat again, the Jags D scored nice points as well and Scobee delivered a solid points day for a kicker. Hells yeah baby, dAndy be busting shit up and has a healthy lead!

Then the 4 o'clock games start kicking. I've got Pennington, Brandon Marshall, and DeSean Jackson on the field. A group of stars that can surely deliver at least 15-20 points between them. What did they do for me? How about not a fuckin thing!!!!!! Pennington got me 4 points, B Marsh got 1 and DeSean got 3.....FUCK ME!!!!

So I am only up by 10 points, no players remaining and NUMNUTZ has Clinton Portis tonight. I usually am the optimist going in to these situations, but for some reason I can't do that today. Maybe it's because that happy bullshit never fucking works! I hate this shit!!

And one more thing. I mentioned before how I keep winning while not scoring a lot of points. This week I am one point shy of having the highest total in the league and what happens? This bullshit happens. Fuck it, I'm joining a fantasy table tennis league right now!!