{Inside the Cowboys locker room after the Week 8 win versus Tampa, only TO and Roy Williams remain}
TO: Sobbing while actually sitting inside his locker.
Roy: TO, man what the fuck you doin?
TO: Oh nothing.
Roy: Are you crying? Why the hell you up in your locker like that? We won man, we won!
TO: No, ya'll won.
Roy: Aw, come on bro don't start with this bullshit this week. We won, we are a TEAM!
TO: No we're not.
Roy: Yes we are!
{jumps out of locker up at Roy}
TO: No the FUCK we're not bitch!
Roy: Hey, hey, hey ease up trigger!
TO: No, I'm not going to fucking ease up. If we were a team, you wouldn't have caught that TD today asshole punkass bitchdick bitch!
Roy: Man you are one fucked up mothafucka you know that?
TO: Yeah! Well, that's what happens when you lose your star status. I was a goddamn star Roy, a goddamn motherfucking star! Until, you came along that is...
{TO slides a boot knife out of his Jerry Jones signature edition rattlesnake skin cowboy boots, a bottle of sleeping pills falls to the floor}
Roy: TO put that shit down man. Whatcha gon do with dat anyway?
TO: What I'm gone do? WHAT I'M GONE DO FAIRY BOY? I'M GONE FUCK YOU UP WHAT I'M GONE DO!!!!!
Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa muthafucka! Hey man is that sleeping pills that just fell out yo boot?
{TO turns around to put the pills away, turns back around....Roy is gone. TO faintly here's someone saying, "I'm the gotdamn star now biotch!!}
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Fantasy Update - Week 8 - I'm one lucky bitch!
So, I pulled out another win this week. How? I don't fuckin know. I had the third lowest score in the league this week and luckily I played the guy with the second lowest. I won 60 to 45. It's pretty much been my theme all year as expressed by my tied for first place record of 6-2, yet I am 96 points behind the guy I am tied with record wise. I have the 7th lowest total points for the season. Put it this way, the 3rd place guy has scored 151 points more than me this season. I am trying to convince myself that I am just laying low waiting to bust out the big numbers when crunch time comes around, but I don't know how many more squeakers I can handle. Oh yeah, thanks to the dude I was playing for not putting in a defense this week. Winning isn't all about being good. You have to have some luck in the mix!
QB - I went with Cassel this week who had a decent day compared to the overall shattyness of my QBs this year. Luckily he faced Jason Campbell who posted a mediocre 10 pts as well. This week Cassel and Pennington will be battling it out in practice for the starting gig. Almost picked up Matt Ryan off waivers (how he was there I don't know), but some dickbag that's in first place cockblocked me. Yeah, you HeyHoo!
RBs - The rock was handed to Steve Slaton and Chris Johnson. Not a whole lotta yards out of them this week, but they both scored so I can't complain. CJ's late touchdown last night was a beautiful thing. Dude I was playing had J. Jones from Seattle and Frank Gore up in the mix. Both were TD free which helped my unfucktastic score although Gore piled up some yards, 159 in case you needed to know.
WRs - I had to do some bye week maneuvering this week and started who I could. I would have played Willie Parker in the flex spot, but his weak ass knee ligaments held him out again. I had to play Andre Johnson (143 yds, no fucking TDs), DeSean Jackson (72 yds, no fucking TDS, -5 ret yds), and my gut shot call of the week.....Roy Williams. I almost dropped somebody to play in his place, but I got some advice from some members of the blogoshpere and gave him the go. That TD was perfect for me. P.S. Fuck you TO!
TE - Blah, that's what Marcedes Lewis did for me. I got stuck ever since Kellen Winslow and his staphtastically reclused testicles fucked me a few weeks back. Shopping for a TE, but I kind of want to stay with Lewis since he played so shitty this past week. Surely he'll make up for it against the shitbags in Detroit right? Fuck me, optimism is the devil. I think I'll get Kellen back.
K - Scobee had one blocked, but I can't blame that on him. He made a long bonus point FG and 2 PATs in a brutal Jag game against Cleveland. I think I'll let him ride heading to Detroit.
DEF - The fuck dAndy group of the week - Jax defense. These guys made the Browns offense look like more than a regional semi-semi-finalist for the pop warner county championship this past week. Thanks fuckers! I'll give them another shot this week against the Bengals and next week against Orlovakowskolitsky or whatever the fuck his name is this week.
Coming up this week....I'm stoked and planning for a breakout performance since I am through with bye weeks except for Roy Williams next week. Aside from the QB and TE situation my lineup looks like this for now. WRs - Brandon Marshall, Andre Johnson, DeSean Jackson (Roy Williams on the bench), RBs - Purple Jesus and Chris Johnson for sure with Steve Slaton and Willie Parker benched. If Willie P is healthy I may throw him in in place of DeSean. Who the fuck knows! As always throw your 2 cents in!
QB - I went with Cassel this week who had a decent day compared to the overall shattyness of my QBs this year. Luckily he faced Jason Campbell who posted a mediocre 10 pts as well. This week Cassel and Pennington will be battling it out in practice for the starting gig. Almost picked up Matt Ryan off waivers (how he was there I don't know), but some dickbag that's in first place cockblocked me. Yeah, you HeyHoo!
RBs - The rock was handed to Steve Slaton and Chris Johnson. Not a whole lotta yards out of them this week, but they both scored so I can't complain. CJ's late touchdown last night was a beautiful thing. Dude I was playing had J. Jones from Seattle and Frank Gore up in the mix. Both were TD free which helped my unfucktastic score although Gore piled up some yards, 159 in case you needed to know.
WRs - I had to do some bye week maneuvering this week and started who I could. I would have played Willie Parker in the flex spot, but his weak ass knee ligaments held him out again. I had to play Andre Johnson (143 yds, no fucking TDs), DeSean Jackson (72 yds, no fucking TDS, -5 ret yds), and my gut shot call of the week.....Roy Williams. I almost dropped somebody to play in his place, but I got some advice from some members of the blogoshpere and gave him the go. That TD was perfect for me. P.S. Fuck you TO!
TE - Blah, that's what Marcedes Lewis did for me. I got stuck ever since Kellen Winslow and his staphtastically reclused testicles fucked me a few weeks back. Shopping for a TE, but I kind of want to stay with Lewis since he played so shitty this past week. Surely he'll make up for it against the shitbags in Detroit right? Fuck me, optimism is the devil. I think I'll get Kellen back.
K - Scobee had one blocked, but I can't blame that on him. He made a long bonus point FG and 2 PATs in a brutal Jag game against Cleveland. I think I'll let him ride heading to Detroit.
DEF - The fuck dAndy group of the week - Jax defense. These guys made the Browns offense look like more than a regional semi-semi-finalist for the pop warner county championship this past week. Thanks fuckers! I'll give them another shot this week against the Bengals and next week against Orlovakowskolitsky or whatever the fuck his name is this week.
Coming up this week....I'm stoked and planning for a breakout performance since I am through with bye weeks except for Roy Williams next week. Aside from the QB and TE situation my lineup looks like this for now. WRs - Brandon Marshall, Andre Johnson, DeSean Jackson (Roy Williams on the bench), RBs - Purple Jesus and Chris Johnson for sure with Steve Slaton and Willie Parker benched. If Willie P is healthy I may throw him in in place of DeSean. Who the fuck knows! As always throw your 2 cents in!
Friday, October 24, 2008
Fantasy Systemafication - Week 8
I need some help fellas. Basically I don't want to give up anyone on my bench right now. I've got a little bye week action affecting my team, so I need a W/R slot filled. I could throw Roy Williams in there from the bench and be set, but I am not confident that he will produce. I have some options out there in free agency. One being Freddy Taylor which is a plus since I am a Jag fan, along with Mewelde, BenJarvis, and Kevin Faulk. If I pick one of those guys up then I have to drop either Willie Parker (out this week) or Roy Williams. I am tempted to drop Willie because I fucking hate nagging injuries and I have Chris Johnson, Adrian Peterson, and Steve Slaton who will be bye week free from here on out. The only other potential drop from the team would be Chad Pennington who I have backing up Cassel this week. I know, my QBs fucking blow. The computer drafter Hasselbeck and Schaub so you can kiss my ass for getting by. Chad Pennington in week 6 had my highest points from a QB all year. Help a brotha out!!!!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
TO and Roy Behind Closed Doors - Week 7
{Inside the Cowboys locker room after a Tuesday afternoon practice. Only TO and Roy Williams remain.}
TO: Roy, I just need to let you know that I really appreciate what you did out there this last week man.
Roy: What?
TO: Well, you know, after our little "talk" last week I wasn't feelin you feelin me, and you know I love me some me and I wasn't sure that you was loving you some me after we was talking about you and me and how we was gonna be here up in the big D. You feel me?
Roy: Nah, TO I don't. What are you trying to say?
TO: Your performance against the Rams man. That's what I like to see.
Roy: Yeah, but we sucked against the Rams.
TO: No, YOU sucked against the Rams. Me, I did all I could do for me, thanks to you helping me though by not doing anything to help you, made me look better for me. Feel me?
Roy: Bro, I don't know what the fuck you are trying to convey to me?
TO: First off lose that damn tude R-Dub, unless that is you want some of me up in that ass. Ok man it's like this. You and me talked last week and I told you not to come up in here and steal the sunshine away from me. I was just saying thanks to you for not fucking me by going out there and being all you could not be in order to look out for me. Feel me?
Roy: We, notice I did not say me, as a team, sucked ass out their TO. How can you thank me for contributing to a loss that impacts you and me and the whole team?
TO: Listen you little punk ass faggot, you know exactly what me is talking about to YOU. Now I should be fuckin pissed at you right now for fucking me by not getting hurt like I told you to for me, but I kind of like what you did for me last week instead. You didn't catch the first pass the whole game, which made me look even more like the fuckin star on this team which helps me in my quest to carry this team and step up for me to lead us to the super bowl while that little fuckboy Romo is hurt. You know that fucker don't be thinking about me, but see you and me we be thinking alike and shit. You be looking out for me and I appreciate that me look shit you got kickin bro. That's all I'm saying to ya man. Ya feel me?
Roy: Nah TO, I ain't down with that man we don't think anything alike.
TO: You have got to be the most stupidest regardedest mutha fucka somebody like me has ever fuckin seen dumbass? Let me break it down real simple like. Jerry gotdamn Jones tells me every fuckin day of the week how much of a star I am on this team. It don't matter what day of the week it is for me, Jerry will go out of his way to let me know how much I mean to this team. Hell, he even calls me everyday during the off season. He's a hell of a texter too. You feel ME Roy? Do you fuckin feel ME bitch?
Roy: Dude, you said I was the regardedest person you have ever seen. What the hell is that supposed to mean?
TO: Bitch, you don't question what TO is saying to you. You know what I fuckin mean.
Roy: No, no I don't TO.
TO: That's because you is regarded.
Roy: What the fuck are you trying to tell me Terr...
{TO puts his hand over Roy's mouth}
TO: Hold the fuck up right there. I ain't gonna left you even finish. Don't even think about finishing that because I already told you don't nobody call me Terrell, but my momma damnit! I'm sorry you are so fucking regarded that you don't even know what that means, but what regarded is is when you are a little slow, you rode the short bus to school when you was a kid, or your face don't look quite right, eyes all close together with that big ass forehead. You feel me now?
Roy: No, you stupid bitch!!! It's retarded man, fucking retarded which is what you are dumbass!
TO: Watch ya mouth boy?
Roy: Man fuck you TO
TO: Don't disrespect me like that punkass. You hear me!! You hear me!!!
{TO turns around to find a note left by Roy}
Roy's Note: I'm outta here and this week I'm gone blow up and you'll be playing second fiddle to me in this country bumfucked town. It's own now bitch!
TO: Oh heyall nah!
TO: Roy, I just need to let you know that I really appreciate what you did out there this last week man.
Roy: What?
TO: Well, you know, after our little "talk" last week I wasn't feelin you feelin me, and you know I love me some me and I wasn't sure that you was loving you some me after we was talking about you and me and how we was gonna be here up in the big D. You feel me?
Roy: Nah, TO I don't. What are you trying to say?
TO: Your performance against the Rams man. That's what I like to see.
Roy: Yeah, but we sucked against the Rams.
TO: No, YOU sucked against the Rams. Me, I did all I could do for me, thanks to you helping me though by not doing anything to help you, made me look better for me. Feel me?
Roy: Bro, I don't know what the fuck you are trying to convey to me?
TO: First off lose that damn tude R-Dub, unless that is you want some of me up in that ass. Ok man it's like this. You and me talked last week and I told you not to come up in here and steal the sunshine away from me. I was just saying thanks to you for not fucking me by going out there and being all you could not be in order to look out for me. Feel me?
Roy: We, notice I did not say me, as a team, sucked ass out their TO. How can you thank me for contributing to a loss that impacts you and me and the whole team?
TO: Listen you little punk ass faggot, you know exactly what me is talking about to YOU. Now I should be fuckin pissed at you right now for fucking me by not getting hurt like I told you to for me, but I kind of like what you did for me last week instead. You didn't catch the first pass the whole game, which made me look even more like the fuckin star on this team which helps me in my quest to carry this team and step up for me to lead us to the super bowl while that little fuckboy Romo is hurt. You know that fucker don't be thinking about me, but see you and me we be thinking alike and shit. You be looking out for me and I appreciate that me look shit you got kickin bro. That's all I'm saying to ya man. Ya feel me?
Roy: Nah TO, I ain't down with that man we don't think anything alike.
TO: You have got to be the most stupidest regardedest mutha fucka somebody like me has ever fuckin seen dumbass? Let me break it down real simple like. Jerry gotdamn Jones tells me every fuckin day of the week how much of a star I am on this team. It don't matter what day of the week it is for me, Jerry will go out of his way to let me know how much I mean to this team. Hell, he even calls me everyday during the off season. He's a hell of a texter too. You feel ME Roy? Do you fuckin feel ME bitch?
Roy: Dude, you said I was the regardedest person you have ever seen. What the hell is that supposed to mean?
TO: Bitch, you don't question what TO is saying to you. You know what I fuckin mean.
Roy: No, no I don't TO.
TO: That's because you is regarded.
Roy: What the fuck are you trying to tell me Terr...
{TO puts his hand over Roy's mouth}
TO: Hold the fuck up right there. I ain't gonna left you even finish. Don't even think about finishing that because I already told you don't nobody call me Terrell, but my momma damnit! I'm sorry you are so fucking regarded that you don't even know what that means, but what regarded is is when you are a little slow, you rode the short bus to school when you was a kid, or your face don't look quite right, eyes all close together with that big ass forehead. You feel me now?
Roy: No, you stupid bitch!!! It's retarded man, fucking retarded which is what you are dumbass!
TO: Watch ya mouth boy?
Roy: Man fuck you TO
TO: Don't disrespect me like that punkass. You hear me!! You hear me!!!
{TO turns around to find a note left by Roy}
Roy's Note: I'm outta here and this week I'm gone blow up and you'll be playing second fiddle to me in this country bumfucked town. It's own now bitch!
TO: Oh heyall nah!
Monday, October 20, 2008
Today's Almost Fictional NFL Player's Game Day Menu: Matt Jones, #18 Jags, 201 lbs and Dropping, 415pm Game
I thought it was only fitting that I do Matt "Mangnum PI Stache" Jones with his impending doom impending as we speak or type or blog or wtf ever you wanna call it.
afp
Breakfast: 2 lines of pure Columbian Heaven, 3 red bulls
Mid-Day Snack: 1 line of Florida snow, snickers bar, 1 red gatorade
Lunch: 1 Panama red fatty laced with Star-Spangled Powder (only so he’ll be hungry for pre-game), 1 Coca-Cola
Pre-game: 4 piece fried chicken, fried okra, 2 packs of skittles, 1 white frosty from Wendy’s, some funyons, 4 red bulls
Halftime fix: 3 bumps of Yeyo, 5 red bulls
Post Game – On the way to the locker room: 1 line of prime time off 6 of the cheerleaders asses, 6 red bulls
Post Game – On the way home: 2 blunts, an eight ball of toot, 7 red bulls, and some ho named Latashaniqua
dAndy's Own Exclusive - TMA Call - Peyton and Eli - Week 7
We here in dAndyville, excuse me, I here in dAndyville have obtained exclusive rights to the phone call made between Peyton Manning and Eli Manning every Tuesday AM after all the football for the week is over. Here's what's shaking for week 6.
{ring ring, ring ring}
Eli: Sorry man, but I’m not home, but I’ll be back before to long so wait for the beep. You gotta leave your name, you gotta leave your number…….
Peyton: Damnit Eli!!! Listen dude no bullcrapping this week. I need to talk to my little bro something fierce.
Eli: OK bro, I’m all ears. What’s sinking your submarine?
Peyton: Oh nothing…nothing at all…BESIDES MY WORST GAME EVER!!!
Eli: Yeah, I know. I got to see some of the game. I thought you were looking forward to going back to that cheesy city {laughs to himself for the cheese joke} now that Favre was gone.
Peyton: I was!!!! I went in there with such high expectations. You know I had a couple of good games and now this. I really felt like I had caught up from missing some pre-season with the surgeries and all and I played like absolute poo poo today. I can see the headlines now, Pey Pey plays like poo poo in Colts loss. {lip begins to quiver as if he is going to cry}
Eli: Hahahahahahahahaha that was funny Peyton!
Peyton: Thanks, I guess. How is that you just bounce right back after a bad game with your chin up? I get so down on myself I don’t know what to do.
Eli: Just don’t have any bad games.
Peyton: What?
Eli: Don’t have a bad game and you’ll never have to worry about what it feels like afterward. That’s what I do.
Peyton: But you had a bad game last week!!!
Eli: Nuh uh!
Peyton: Yeah huh!
Eli: No I didn’t Peyton. What I did these last couple of weeks is manage the game. It’s something new Coach Coughlin taught me. Say it with me now….manage the game!
Peyton: Eli, I know wtf {actually says w.t.f. because he doesn’t use them swear words} managing the game is.
Eli: Well then, just do that and you’ll be fine.
Peyton: How can you say that when the Browns beat you guys and you played like crap?
Eli: I was managing the game.
Peyton: Yeah, but you lost.
Eli: So, so I was still the manager. I just didn’t manage as good as I should have and I didn’t get all sad afterwards like you are.
Peyton: But you lost.
Eli: Yeah, but I still managed.
Peyton: That’s not the point Eli. The point is to win the games.
Eli: Well, maybe for you, but coach told me I just need to work on managing the games and that’s what I am doing and we have only lost once, so apparently there is a connection between managing and winning. So, maybe just maybe you should just listen to your little bro, who is having a way better year than you and won the super bowl last year, for once.
Peyton: Whatever Eli!!! {hangs up}
Testees on FX
I instantly became of fan of FX earlier this year because I saw It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia for the 1st time. I love that fuckin show! So this week, they advertise this shit out of this show called Testees coming on after Sunny. I of course checked it out while flipping back and forth to the game in which the Boston assholes came back on the now headed to the World Series Rays. Let me tell you this, that is one FUCKED UP show. The people that come up with that shit and Sunny have some kind of mind that was twisted and warped and molded into it's current state by the endless use of alcohol, hallucinogens, and any other mind altering drug they could get their hands on. Seriously, how the fuck do you think of shit like that? So back to the show. First off, if you didn't see the show what I am about to tell you is going to sound, uh, let's just call it fuckin gay. And it's going to sound that way because, uh, it was some gay ass shit, but damn it was funny. Basically the testees (two guys who volunteered for scientific testing) agree to undergo a procedure that will give them a puss and tits temporarily and it all goes downhill from there. In brief, one guys gets a carrot stuck inside him while pleasing his new downstairs, one guys has a nice rack, the other pretty much has floppy 80 year old tits, one guy's friend wants him to do his dad, the other guygirl ends up sleeping with his ex-girlfriend that has now turned lesbian due to the shitty sex she originally had with him when he was a dude and because he is still a shitty lay as a chick she turns back straight again.
Yep, that sums it up. It's that fucked up and you should check it out!
Yep, that sums it up. It's that fucked up and you should check it out!
Fantasy Report - Week 7
Not a bad week for me I guess. I'm knotted up with my opponent at 80 pts each. He's done for the week and I have Brandon Marshall playing tonight. Please don't fuck me B Marsh. If all goes as planned I'll move up to 3rd in the league sitting pretty for a march to the top. Again, don't fuck me B Marsh. Just make it easy on me and score a TD on the 1st possession and then keep on trucking to get me some valuable points in the rankings since the leaders of the league are 102 and 95 points ahead of me as of right now.
So, as far as what got me where I am this week. Luckily Pey Pey had a shitty day and only scored 2 points as compared to my scary 10 pts from Derek Anderson. Thank you to the Packers for shutting down the mind behind the Colts offense and thank you Derek for pulling that late game TD out of your what had been squinched up anus all day!
I only played 2 WRs this week and really can't complain. Andre Johnson had a solid 141 yds (a TD would have been nice, but hey I can't really complain). Hopefully, B Marsh will add a significant boost to my WR points tonight. Luckily Plaxico and Muhammad didn't score any TDs for my opponent, but Berrian had a score that pretty much made me shat my pants late yesterday.
As for the RBs. I don't know how many people told me not to play Purple Jesus against Chicago's "nasty" defense, but guess what fuckers? I played him and he put up 121 yds and a TD! Bladow dAndy's gut instinct prevails. Steve Slaton also posted a solid 80 yds with a TD in the mix as well. My 3rd RB, Chris Johnson, who I picked up after his week 1 performance against my Jags, had a killer 168 yds and a TD against KC's shitty run D. Hell, fatass Lendale busted an 80 yd TD against them, so that only further verifies their shittieness or shittyness or however the fuck you spell that. I need Lendale to step aside and make room for CJ so I can take home the cashish this year! Homeboy had Marion Barber and E Graham who both had solid days with a TD.
TE wise, I made a late move Saturday night and dropped K Winslow and his unrealistically swollen testes (speaking of testees, did anyone see that show Thurs on FX? It's fucked up is all I can say) and picked up the somehow available Shockey off the waiver wire. Shockey caught 50 yds worth, but coughed up the ball and doinked me with no points. Thanks for deciding to have your first non stellar performance of the year when I picked up your TE Drew Brees! KC's Tony G put up 97 yds for the opposition.
Although he fucked me and missed a cake FG, Mason Crosby did OK with 2 FGs and 4 PATs. I played against Kasay who had a nice 3 FG, 3 PAT day.
My defense that totally tore it up last week against Carolina had a lackluster performance against Seattle's struggling O and while they did only allow 10 pts, they had no sacks and only 7 ret yds to go with an INT and a fumble pick up. I'll be shopping for a new D this week!
Either way it's all good, as long as B Marsh can score just one point or more tonight. As of right now I love fantasy football, but if B Marsh fucks me tonight I'll hate it again, at least until next week anyways.
So, as far as what got me where I am this week. Luckily Pey Pey had a shitty day and only scored 2 points as compared to my scary 10 pts from Derek Anderson. Thank you to the Packers for shutting down the mind behind the Colts offense and thank you Derek for pulling that late game TD out of your what had been squinched up anus all day!
I only played 2 WRs this week and really can't complain. Andre Johnson had a solid 141 yds (a TD would have been nice, but hey I can't really complain). Hopefully, B Marsh will add a significant boost to my WR points tonight. Luckily Plaxico and Muhammad didn't score any TDs for my opponent, but Berrian had a score that pretty much made me shat my pants late yesterday.
As for the RBs. I don't know how many people told me not to play Purple Jesus against Chicago's "nasty" defense, but guess what fuckers? I played him and he put up 121 yds and a TD! Bladow dAndy's gut instinct prevails. Steve Slaton also posted a solid 80 yds with a TD in the mix as well. My 3rd RB, Chris Johnson, who I picked up after his week 1 performance against my Jags, had a killer 168 yds and a TD against KC's shitty run D. Hell, fatass Lendale busted an 80 yd TD against them, so that only further verifies their shittieness or shittyness or however the fuck you spell that. I need Lendale to step aside and make room for CJ so I can take home the cashish this year! Homeboy had Marion Barber and E Graham who both had solid days with a TD.
TE wise, I made a late move Saturday night and dropped K Winslow and his unrealistically swollen testes (speaking of testees, did anyone see that show Thurs on FX? It's fucked up is all I can say) and picked up the somehow available Shockey off the waiver wire. Shockey caught 50 yds worth, but coughed up the ball and doinked me with no points. Thanks for deciding to have your first non stellar performance of the year when I picked up your TE Drew Brees! KC's Tony G put up 97 yds for the opposition.
Although he fucked me and missed a cake FG, Mason Crosby did OK with 2 FGs and 4 PATs. I played against Kasay who had a nice 3 FG, 3 PAT day.
My defense that totally tore it up last week against Carolina had a lackluster performance against Seattle's struggling O and while they did only allow 10 pts, they had no sacks and only 7 ret yds to go with an INT and a fumble pick up. I'll be shopping for a new D this week!
Either way it's all good, as long as B Marsh can score just one point or more tonight. As of right now I love fantasy football, but if B Marsh fucks me tonight I'll hate it again, at least until next week anyways.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Rays vs. Sawx
OK, so I rarely watch baseball because under normal circumstances it bores the shit out of me (What? Is that a problem? Go pluck some hairs out of your ass then!). I’m tuned in to last night’s game between the Rays and Red Sox however, and man this is some wild shit! It has been weird because even when Tampa was big time ahead you just never got the feeling the game was over. Right now as I am typing dude just lead off the 8th with a double off the wall. Typical Red Sox bullshit! I hope they win tonight just so the Boston loving assholes grab a glimpse of hope only to travel to Tampa to get that ass spizzity spizzity spank spanked!!
The dicktards just fuckin tied it……tomorrow the % of pregnant women in the New England area will quintuple.
So the Rays get in position to take the lead and put some pressure on the Sox and they end it with a double play. Every Boston fan is just so damn fuckin happy right now.
What a lame way to mow a field for a game this big. At least go with the zig zags or wavy lines.
Hell of a defensive play by the SS right there. I should be asleep by now.
Ok, so I did fall asleep and found out at work this AM that Boston pulled it off. I love how the disappointment will be even greater for the Boson assholes. However, if they win the series we will never fuckin ever hear the end of the greatest comeback in the history of baseball bullshit. Thank sweet baby Jesus that Tom Brady got hurt!!
The dicktards just fuckin tied it……tomorrow the % of pregnant women in the New England area will quintuple.
So the Rays get in position to take the lead and put some pressure on the Sox and they end it with a double play. Every Boston fan is just so damn fuckin happy right now.
What a lame way to mow a field for a game this big. At least go with the zig zags or wavy lines.
Hell of a defensive play by the SS right there. I should be asleep by now.
Ok, so I did fall asleep and found out at work this AM that Boston pulled it off. I love how the disappointment will be even greater for the Boson assholes. However, if they win the series we will never fuckin ever hear the end of the greatest comeback in the history of baseball bullshit. Thank sweet baby Jesus that Tom Brady got hurt!!
Fantasy Systemafication - Who Do I Start?
QB - Derek Anderson or Chad Pennington
WRs - I only have 3, could sit one and play another RB - Brandon Marshall, Andre Johnson, Roy Williams
RBs - Could play 3 - See WRs for flexability - Adrian Peterson, Chris Johnson, Steve Slaton, Willie (has a boo boo and looks doubtful) Parker
My TE, DEF, and K are locked in unless I pick up somebody else - Kellen Winslow and his pet gerbil that got lost last week, Mason Crosby, Tampa Bay
My current line up is in BOLD.
WRs - I only have 3, could sit one and play another RB - Brandon Marshall, Andre Johnson, Roy Williams
RBs - Could play 3 - See WRs for flexability - Adrian Peterson, Chris Johnson, Steve Slaton, Willie (has a boo boo and looks doubtful) Parker
My TE, DEF, and K are locked in unless I pick up somebody else - Kellen Winslow and his pet gerbil that got lost last week, Mason Crosby, Tampa Bay
My current line up is in BOLD.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
TO and Roy - Behind Closed Doors
{at a public press conference}
Roy : I'm really excited to be playing for the Cowboys and working the field along with TO. It's going to be fun.
TO: I'm glad to have Roy here. He is a great addition to our team and should help us reach our ultimate goals. God bless you all and thanks to God for a guy like Roy here in Dallas.
{press conference ends and only TO and Roy are left there}
TO: Listen bitch don't you plan on coming up in the Dig D and try to steal my glory you hear me!
Roy: Ah nah TO, it ain't like that baby. I'm here to play wit ya bro. We could become one of the greatest tandems in the league.
TO: Bitch are you just not listening to me. When TO talks everybody listens and that includes you, you new fuck!
Roy: Ease up holmes, I know what's crackalacking up in the D.
TO: Lemme break this down for you muthafucka. If you ever, ever catch more balls than me, more TDs than me, or get more yards than me in a game I'll have someone follow you home from the game and remove your testicles one at a time with a pair of pliers and some fingernail clippers. Not the fucking the big toe nail clippers either bitch.
Roy: Terrel, listen ma....
TO: What the fuck you just call me? Did you just call me Terrell? Let's get another thing straight you faggot ass bitch. Don't nobody but my mama call me Terrell you punkass, I'll let Jerry get away with that shit because he's the boss and all, but don't you ever fucking call me Terrell again or I will drop a whole barrel of ass whip up in your sorry Detroit Lion asshole. You got me boy?
Roy: OK, then TO man, I ain't about stealing none of the highlights. I am here to win that's all.
TO: You fuckhead! You just don't get it do you. {grabs Roy by the neck and begins to squeeze}
Roy: {gasping for breath) I get it TO, I get it. Let go!!
TO: Wait a fuckin minute. Did you just tell me to let go? Don't nobody tell TO what the fuck to do, you hear that bitch?
Roy: Yeah man, I hear you, I hear you. Listen dawg I just want to get along with you and be on this successful team right beside you man. If you succeed, I succeed and vice versa, and if we both succeed the team succeeds and then we can take this thing all the way to the big show!!
TO: Do you ears even fuckin work Roy? Do they? Can you even fuckin hear me? Do I need to get a fucking sign language translator bitch up in here so you can understand the words coming out of my mouth son?
Roy: TO, this is getting a little out of hand man. I ain't gots no beef wit ya bro. It'll be cool let's just see how things shake out during the 1st game.
TO: Do I need to bitch slap the dumbness out of your fucking head Roy cuz you ain't gettin it? {raises hand}
Roy: No man, that's not necessary. I don't see what the big deal is dude.
TO: Let me break it down for you. I still haven't even had a 100 yard game yet. I'm a fuckin superstar and you ain't so just realize that and everything will be aight.
Roy: What the fuck ever TO.
TO: Listen up biotch! I need you to get hurt and miss the season is what I need from you. Everybody around here is hurt and that was my chance to become the face of this team. I was going to be the one to put the team on my back and carry this franchise to glory land and then you come along and fuck it all up. Jerry would have had my face on posters and signs all over this shit hole redneck cowboy fucking town. This is my chance Roy and you are not going to fuck it up, you hear me!! YOU WILL NOT FUCK ME UP ROY!!! So, get injured and make it a good one, I don't want no fake hamstring bullshit. I want a god damn broken bone mother fucker, and not no Tony Romo pinky finger bullshit. I already gots beef with that bitch for fucking me up by saying he is playing this weekend. So get out there, have a good practice, and break a fuckin leg, and I mean that you little bitch. YOU HEAR MUTHA FUCKER!
{turns around....Roy had already left the room...in walks Wade Phillips}
Wade: Damn it TO, practice started 7 minutes ago! Why the hell aren't you out there? That new guy Roger or Ralph or whatever the hell his name is already has one up on you. Get your punkass on the field now!!!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Today's Fictional NFL Player's Game Day Menu: Shaun Rogers, #92 Browns, 6' 4", 350 lbs
Breakfast:
1 dozen eggs fried in bacon grease
2 pounds of thick country style bacon
6 biscuits and gravy
14 pancakes
3 waffles
a fifth of syrup
1 loaf of white toast
6 sticks of butter - straight up
1 half gallon of OJ
1 half gallon of whole milk
Lunch:
How ever many all you can eat Chinese buffets he passes on the way to the stadium.
Pre Game:
4 pounds of chicken, beef, pork, and steak alfredo
2 loaves of garlic bread
4 pints of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream (flavor doesn't matter)
Post game prior to reaching locker room:
20 pieces of KFC fried chicken (half orignal/half crispy)
1 large side of mash potatoes with extra gravy
6 biscuits with a 1/2 gallon of honey
1 gallon of whole milk
Once in locker room:
1 dozen crispy creme glazed donuts
2 large pizzas - one supreme, one topped with fried chicken, a honey baked ham, and 1 tub of butter
2 slabs of ribs
1 pound of curly fries
4 pounds of tortilla chips
3 jars of queso
1 two foot by 4 foot Carvel ice cream cake
4 packs of Oreos
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
dAndy's Own Exclusive - TMA Call - Peyton and Eli - Week 6
We here in dAndyville, excuse me, I here in dAndyville have obtained exclusive rights to the phone call made between Peyton Manning and Eli Manning every Tuesday AM after all the football for the week is over. Here's what's shaking for week 6.
{ring, ring}
Eli: Hi there, you have reached the Manning residence. Sorry we aren't available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and we'll get back to you. BEEP
Peyton: Hey Eli, it's Peyton, gimme a call when you...
Eli : {laughing hysterically} Did I get you?
Peyton: Huh?
Eli: I got you didn't I, bro? You thought it was my answering machine when it was really me the whole time. Hahaha, that's so much fun!
Peyton: Yeah, you got me little bro. So what's shakin man?
Eli: Not much . We lost big time. What about you?
Peyton: Well, man I had the game I have been wanting to have finally. We blew out Baltimore big time. I threw for almost 3 hunny and 3 TDs. That was the real PeyPey out there boy lemme tell ya. Did you see the game since you weren't playing?
Eli: Yeah I watched it.
Peyton: Well, what ya think man? Did I do good or what? Me and Marv got in synch. He caught a couple TDs.
Eli: I have a question for you bro.
Peyton: What's that little bro?
Eli: I kept seeing something during the game that caught my eye. Your field is that fake grass stuff right?
Peyton: Yep, it's the latest in the top of the line artificial turf.
Eli: Well, how come I could see dirt flying up when people were running and stuff?
Peyton: It's fake dirt man.
Eli: What? You guys have fake dirt!!
Peyton: Yep fake dirt! So anyway I think I've found my groove again. Peyton Manning is back on track.
Eli: So this fake dirt stuff, do you get dirty from it?
Peyton: No, you don't get dirty it's fake.
Eli: Well, it must not be top of the line then because if it was really high quality fake dirt wouldn't it get you dirty?
Peyton: Dude, it's the best fake dirt there is. I'm hoping to carry this momentum into Green Bay next week. I love playing there now that Favre is gone. He was always so intimidating.
Eli: So it doesn't get you dirty, that's weird. What does it feel like?
Peyton: Man, it feels like dirt. Let's just talk some football.
Eli: Sorry man, but this fake dirt is intriguing. {grins because he used such a big word} So is it like little balls of fake dirt, or is it like little flakes, or is it like little cubes? Is it squishy or hard?
Peyton: Man, all I ever want to do is talk football with my little bro and you talk about some stupid shit Eli. When are you gonna grow up and be mature like me?
Eli: Hey bro.
Peyton: Yeah.
Eli: Do you think you could sneak some fake dirt in a bag and mail it to me?
Peyton: Screw you Eli!!! {hangs up}
{ring, ring}
Eli: Hi there, you have reached the Manning residence. Sorry we aren't available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and we'll get back to you. BEEP
Peyton: Hey Eli, it's Peyton, gimme a call when you...
Eli : {laughing hysterically} Did I get you?
Peyton: Huh?
Eli: I got you didn't I, bro? You thought it was my answering machine when it was really me the whole time. Hahaha, that's so much fun!
Peyton: Yeah, you got me little bro. So what's shakin man?
Eli: Not much . We lost big time. What about you?
Peyton: Well, man I had the game I have been wanting to have finally. We blew out Baltimore big time. I threw for almost 3 hunny and 3 TDs. That was the real PeyPey out there boy lemme tell ya. Did you see the game since you weren't playing?
Eli: Yeah I watched it.
Peyton: Well, what ya think man? Did I do good or what? Me and Marv got in synch. He caught a couple TDs.
Eli: I have a question for you bro.
Peyton: What's that little bro?
Eli: I kept seeing something during the game that caught my eye. Your field is that fake grass stuff right?
Peyton: Yep, it's the latest in the top of the line artificial turf.
Eli: Well, how come I could see dirt flying up when people were running and stuff?
Peyton: It's fake dirt man.
Eli: What? You guys have fake dirt!!
Peyton: Yep fake dirt! So anyway I think I've found my groove again. Peyton Manning is back on track.
Eli: So this fake dirt stuff, do you get dirty from it?
Peyton: No, you don't get dirty it's fake.
Eli: Well, it must not be top of the line then because if it was really high quality fake dirt wouldn't it get you dirty?
Peyton: Dude, it's the best fake dirt there is. I'm hoping to carry this momentum into Green Bay next week. I love playing there now that Favre is gone. He was always so intimidating.
Eli: So it doesn't get you dirty, that's weird. What does it feel like?
Peyton: Man, it feels like dirt. Let's just talk some football.
Eli: Sorry man, but this fake dirt is intriguing. {grins because he used such a big word} So is it like little balls of fake dirt, or is it like little flakes, or is it like little cubes? Is it squishy or hard?
Peyton: Man, all I ever want to do is talk football with my little bro and you talk about some stupid shit Eli. When are you gonna grow up and be mature like me?
Eli: Hey bro.
Peyton: Yeah.
Eli: Do you think you could sneak some fake dirt in a bag and mail it to me?
Peyton: Screw you Eli!!! {hangs up}
Monday, October 13, 2008
Fantasy Report - Week 6
My fantasy team finally showed up this week and the shopping spree I went on paid off. I'm probably jinxing myself writing that I won this week when it's not officially over yet, but I am rather confident that my 45 point lead won't be surpassed by my opponent's only remaining player, Eli "The Oreo lover" Manning.
Let's kick it off with some QB action. I started Chad Pennington, or C. Pen as we like to call him here in the biz, and he delivered a solid stash of points. 284 yards, 2 TDs (one was on that wicked wildcat formation play) and 1 pick. I didn't check to know for sure, but I believe the 16 pts he scored is more than the other QBs I have started the 1st 5 weeks combined. OK, I just checked, in the 1st 5 weeks my QBs combined for 26 pts, so yeah his 16 pt day was killer for me.
My RBs had mediocre games with no touchdowns, but I won (hopefully) so it's all good. Purple Jesus put up 111 yards, but coughed it up twice (my team had 4 fumbles and a pick this week, thank my 3 testicles that I didn't need those 10 pts). Steve Slaton had a lackluster 58 yards. Chris Johnson will be back in next week after the bye and hopefully Willie Parker will be healthy. I am still waiting on AP to have that breakout day that Jimmy Kimmel will talk about on Direct TV commercials next year.
As for the WRs, Andre Johnson finally had the day I had been waiting for. 178 yds and a TD (not going to talk about his fumble) to lead my WR crew. Brandon Marshall had a solid day with 98 yds including a stupid fumble, but didn't score a TD. DeSean Jackson also had 98 yds and threw a little return yardage in there for me too. He is on bye this week, so I'll either start 3 RBs or snag up a WR.
TE wise was brutal this week. With Kellen Winslow's mystery illness still keeping him pinned down (I personally think he may have gotten a hamster or gerbil stuck in his ass) I started Fasano from Miami. This could have been a potential double up scoring situation with C. Pen at the helm, but he only mustered out 12 yds.
Ah the kicker, Mason Crosby brought in a solid 11 points with 2 FGs and 3 PATs. Atta boy.
Now you might be wondering how it is that I have a 45 point lead with this pretty much load of mediocrity. Well, my opponent just so happened to totally suck ass cheese this week and my defense put on a show. With Pitt on a bye I picked up Tampa Bay's defense. I almost swapped them out last minute, but decided to go with my gut and it paid off big time. They only allowed Carolina to score 3 pts, blocked a kick and returned it for a TD, and snagged 3 picks for a 23 point day. That was the kicker for me. Now I just have to decide whether to hang on to TB's defense or pick Pittsburgh back up this week.
I love fantasy football!!
Let's kick it off with some QB action. I started Chad Pennington, or C. Pen as we like to call him here in the biz, and he delivered a solid stash of points. 284 yards, 2 TDs (one was on that wicked wildcat formation play) and 1 pick. I didn't check to know for sure, but I believe the 16 pts he scored is more than the other QBs I have started the 1st 5 weeks combined. OK, I just checked, in the 1st 5 weeks my QBs combined for 26 pts, so yeah his 16 pt day was killer for me.
My RBs had mediocre games with no touchdowns, but I won (hopefully) so it's all good. Purple Jesus put up 111 yards, but coughed it up twice (my team had 4 fumbles and a pick this week, thank my 3 testicles that I didn't need those 10 pts). Steve Slaton had a lackluster 58 yards. Chris Johnson will be back in next week after the bye and hopefully Willie Parker will be healthy. I am still waiting on AP to have that breakout day that Jimmy Kimmel will talk about on Direct TV commercials next year.
As for the WRs, Andre Johnson finally had the day I had been waiting for. 178 yds and a TD (not going to talk about his fumble) to lead my WR crew. Brandon Marshall had a solid day with 98 yds including a stupid fumble, but didn't score a TD. DeSean Jackson also had 98 yds and threw a little return yardage in there for me too. He is on bye this week, so I'll either start 3 RBs or snag up a WR.
TE wise was brutal this week. With Kellen Winslow's mystery illness still keeping him pinned down (I personally think he may have gotten a hamster or gerbil stuck in his ass) I started Fasano from Miami. This could have been a potential double up scoring situation with C. Pen at the helm, but he only mustered out 12 yds.
Ah the kicker, Mason Crosby brought in a solid 11 points with 2 FGs and 3 PATs. Atta boy.
Now you might be wondering how it is that I have a 45 point lead with this pretty much load of mediocrity. Well, my opponent just so happened to totally suck ass cheese this week and my defense put on a show. With Pitt on a bye I picked up Tampa Bay's defense. I almost swapped them out last minute, but decided to go with my gut and it paid off big time. They only allowed Carolina to score 3 pts, blocked a kick and returned it for a TD, and snagged 3 picks for a 23 point day. That was the kicker for me. Now I just have to decide whether to hang on to TB's defense or pick Pittsburgh back up this week.
I love fantasy football!!
From zee couch - Dr. C - 10/13/08 Update
dAndy haz had very very very good veek diz veek. It appearz zat heez recommended treatments haz zerved zer purpose and dAndy haz been able to overcome zee negative criticizm zurrounding heez blog. dAndy's confidenze haz been reeztablizhed and he zhould be pozting many many many more timez very very very zoon. I zhall remain to keep cloze eyez on heem to enzure he remainz on heez ztraight path to zuccess.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
dAndy's Own Exclusive - TMA Call - Peyton and Eli - Week 5
We here in dAndyville, excuse me, I here in dAndyville have obtained exclusive rights to the phone call made between Peyton Manning and Eli Manning every Tuesday AM after all the football for the week is over. There were some technical hurdles to jump through with this being the first week so this is a little late. I hope to be more timely on this in the future, so look for this again come Tuesday or 3 weeks from now, who knows. Either way here it is in all it's glory.
{phone rings}
Eli: Yello.
Peyton: Hey bro, it's Peyton.
Eli: What up brozilla?
Peyton: Just checking in man, seeing how things are going.
Eli: Good we won again. {licks the center out of an Oreo}
Peyton: yeah, us too. It was a crazy game. We pulled out another last minute win we shouldn't have got. Did you see any highlights?
Eli: Man I'm glad we did those Oreo commercials. I love Oreos.
Peyton: Yeah me too. Did you see any highlights on ESPN?
Eli: Dude, which is your favorite Oreo? I like the ones with white chocolate on the outside the best, but it is harder to get to the creamy white center first.
Peyton: Dude, can we talk about some football here or what?
Eli: Yeah sure bro, but I think I just discovered the best way to get to the creamy white center of a white chocolate Oreo. What you do is nibble off the hard chocolate outside a little bit at a time and when you're done you have a regular Oreo left. So it's like you get all that crunchy white chocolate for free.
Peyton: bro, you are kidding me right? Let's talk about the NFL brah!
Eli: Bro, lose the tude we can talk football. I just get so excited about how great these darn Oreos are that's all.
Peyton: OK man, it's cool. So anyway we pretty much got our butts beat by Houston and then got super lucky and won it at then end. You old bro put on a little show. Did you see the hit Rosenfels took. It was totally awesome!
Eli: Dude, they have Oreos with peanut butter and chocolate cream. Can you believe it?
Peyton: Screw it Eli I'm calling dad.
{ring, ring, ring}
Archie: Pap Bear manning here.
Peyton: Hey Dad it's PeyPey.
Archie: Hey bud, what's up?
Peyton: Just checking in, wanted to talk about some football with you Pops.
Archie: 10-4 little buddy. Hey, have you tried the new mint cream Oreos yet?
Peyton: Fuck me! {hang up}
{phone rings}
Eli: Yello.
Peyton: Hey bro, it's Peyton.
Eli: What up brozilla?
Peyton: Just checking in man, seeing how things are going.
Eli: Good we won again. {licks the center out of an Oreo}
Peyton: yeah, us too. It was a crazy game. We pulled out another last minute win we shouldn't have got. Did you see any highlights?
Eli: Man I'm glad we did those Oreo commercials. I love Oreos.
Peyton: Yeah me too. Did you see any highlights on ESPN?
Eli: Dude, which is your favorite Oreo? I like the ones with white chocolate on the outside the best, but it is harder to get to the creamy white center first.
Peyton: Dude, can we talk about some football here or what?
Eli: Yeah sure bro, but I think I just discovered the best way to get to the creamy white center of a white chocolate Oreo. What you do is nibble off the hard chocolate outside a little bit at a time and when you're done you have a regular Oreo left. So it's like you get all that crunchy white chocolate for free.
Peyton: bro, you are kidding me right? Let's talk about the NFL brah!
Eli: Bro, lose the tude we can talk football. I just get so excited about how great these darn Oreos are that's all.
Peyton: OK man, it's cool. So anyway we pretty much got our butts beat by Houston and then got super lucky and won it at then end. You old bro put on a little show. Did you see the hit Rosenfels took. It was totally awesome!
Eli: Dude, they have Oreos with peanut butter and chocolate cream. Can you believe it?
Peyton: Screw it Eli I'm calling dad.
{ring, ring, ring}
Archie: Pap Bear manning here.
Peyton: Hey Dad it's PeyPey.
Archie: Hey bud, what's up?
Peyton: Just checking in, wanted to talk about some football with you Pops.
Archie: 10-4 little buddy. Hey, have you tried the new mint cream Oreos yet?
Peyton: Fuck me! {hang up}
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Purple Jesus didn't even use lube
PJ doinked me hard last night. Thanks for shattering my far fetched dreams of winning in fantasy this week with your stellar 32 yds on 21 carries performance againts the Saints you ass muncher!
Monday, October 6, 2008
Fantasy Football Blows
I hate fantasy football. Yeah, that's right I fuckin hate it. I know, I know, I just said a week or so ago how much I love fantasy, but now I wish the poindexter with no athletic ability whatsoever that satisfied his lifelong dreams of stepping on the field by deciding to have a game in which he lives vicariously through a roster of players that actually are on the field would have just ended up being a puddle in his mother's belly button instead of ever being brought in to the world. I got fucked this week in case you couldn't tell!!!!
Let's start with the QBs. I had Hasselbeck and Trent Edwards. I played Trent, go figure. He gets knocked the fuck out like 3 plays in. Just f'n great! What did my back up do? SUCK, that's what he did. Needless to say I went on a fantasy QB shopping spree this AM and at 50 cents a pop I was a big spender. I tossed my garbage QBs away and got Pennington and Carson Palmer. I'm sure to win the $$ now!!!! What am I saying? I'm screwed!!!
How about my WRs you say? Oh guess what, they fucked me too. DeSean Jackson made a little magic happen for dAndy with his return TD, but if I combine his rec'v yards with Mar Har and Brandon Marshall I get a grand total of 65 frickin yards and no TDs. Just shoot me and take me out of my misery now. Oh yeah, and Roddy White who I dropped last week blows up and scores a TD, love it. Not to mention I benched Andre Johnson who has consistently fucked me all year, only to get reversed fucked by him this week with a 131 yd performance with a TD, thanks allot asshole! Marvin Harrison got tossed (fuck you by the way) this AM and this week it'll be Marshall, DeSean, and Andre getting me back on track right? DOUBT IT!
As for the TE, I guess I can't complain. I picked up Fasano from Miami since Winslow was on a bye and he caught a few passes for 47 yds. Way to put that extra effort in to gain one more yard after the catch so I can get another point in this jacked up scoring system I'm in cocktard.
Ah the RBs. I put some faith into Chris Johnson even though he was facing Baltimore's strong D. I figure they will try to stuff the middle and the speedster will break outside and bust up some shit. Well, I was wrong, way wrong. I got two points out of him. Adrian Peterson aka Purple Jesus is my only hope as he's playing tonight. Sounds good except for the fact that I am down 23 points and facing Drew Brees. There's always that slim chance he could rush for 250 yds and 4 TDs and Drew gets hurt driving to the stadium right? I mean that far fetched last glimpse of pulling off a win that like could actually happen in real life!
And that's why I love fantasy football.
Let's start with the QBs. I had Hasselbeck and Trent Edwards. I played Trent, go figure. He gets knocked the fuck out like 3 plays in. Just f'n great! What did my back up do? SUCK, that's what he did. Needless to say I went on a fantasy QB shopping spree this AM and at 50 cents a pop I was a big spender. I tossed my garbage QBs away and got Pennington and Carson Palmer. I'm sure to win the $$ now!!!! What am I saying? I'm screwed!!!
How about my WRs you say? Oh guess what, they fucked me too. DeSean Jackson made a little magic happen for dAndy with his return TD, but if I combine his rec'v yards with Mar Har and Brandon Marshall I get a grand total of 65 frickin yards and no TDs. Just shoot me and take me out of my misery now. Oh yeah, and Roddy White who I dropped last week blows up and scores a TD, love it. Not to mention I benched Andre Johnson who has consistently fucked me all year, only to get reversed fucked by him this week with a 131 yd performance with a TD, thanks allot asshole! Marvin Harrison got tossed (fuck you by the way) this AM and this week it'll be Marshall, DeSean, and Andre getting me back on track right? DOUBT IT!
As for the TE, I guess I can't complain. I picked up Fasano from Miami since Winslow was on a bye and he caught a few passes for 47 yds. Way to put that extra effort in to gain one more yard after the catch so I can get another point in this jacked up scoring system I'm in cocktard.
Ah the RBs. I put some faith into Chris Johnson even though he was facing Baltimore's strong D. I figure they will try to stuff the middle and the speedster will break outside and bust up some shit. Well, I was wrong, way wrong. I got two points out of him. Adrian Peterson aka Purple Jesus is my only hope as he's playing tonight. Sounds good except for the fact that I am down 23 points and facing Drew Brees. There's always that slim chance he could rush for 250 yds and 4 TDs and Drew gets hurt driving to the stadium right? I mean that far fetched last glimpse of pulling off a win that like could actually happen in real life!
And that's why I love fantasy football.
Friday, October 3, 2008
The next best football league!!!
Holy shit! I just stumbled across something mag-fuckin-nificent. It's a lingerie football league. Check it out from With Leather.
From zee couch - Dr. C
Hello zer. My name iz Dr. Cindamind, and I am dAndy'z pzychiatrizt. Today I'mz goingz to take you along vit me for an increeeedible journey inzide to zee inner vorkingz of his vittle brain. Thiz veek dAndy haz had hard time dealing vit zee deprezzion regarding zee commentz zat were directed at zee quality of hiz weblog or blog az you americanized peoplez zo call it. Zee hate inzpired commentz haz rezulted in dAndy hazzing feelingz of tearful zadness inzide hiz heart. Theeze feelingz haz made him afraid to vrite anyzing for hiz weblog az he fearz more negative commentary may be projected hiz vay if he zhould pozt more arteecles on hiz blog. dAndy haz very very very fragile feelingz zat when put in zad place can makez him curl up into zee feetal pozition on zee floor of zee zhower and zlowly zob until he fallz azleep in a puddle of hiz own tearz.
I haz prezcribed zat dAndy take zee following actionz for theeze upcoming veekend in order to cure hiz large feelingz of zadness:
#1 - He needz to conzume enormous amountz of zee alcohol in order to remove hiz thoughtz from zee negativity. Theez vill alzo helpz heem to reestablizh hiz confidence in hiz ablilitiez to contrive what it iz he vishes to vrite about it.
#2 - dAndy neez to geet lotz of zleep! Zo no waking up before zee lunch hour.
#3 - I haz recommended that he spend all of Zaturday watching every pozzible moment of zee college footbal that iz pozzible az it will alzo free zee mind. Ezpecially zee Gatorz verzuz Arkanzaw.
#4 - dAndy will be requezted to break away from zee collegiate footbal gamez when zee fight between Kimbo and Zhamrock comes on. He muzt alzo zee zee fight with the preeety young lady girl as well. She'z zee hot ztuff dAndy needz to be thinking about az he fallz quietly to zleep in a drunken ztate zo that he weel haz very very very zweet dreamz in hiz sleep.
#5 - On Zunday I prezcribe that he zhould be completley inundated with zee NFL football vhile keeping cloze vatchful eye on the fantazy impacts by zee playz throughout zee day. Along with zee football dAndy muzt bring TV from garage to inzide or TV from inzide to garage zo he can concurrently view zee NASCAR raze at zee big track in Talladega. (I did not tell dAndy thiz, but if zee Dale Jr vould vin the raze it would truly be zee boozt he needz to geet back on the track [no pun intended - Dr. C funny guy vright?])
#6 - The Zunday night football contezt betveen zee Jaguarz and The Zteelers iz alzo zomezing zat dAndy zhould not mizz. A victory by zee Jagz will only take heem furzer along in heez journey to complete healing and alzo help heem to have happy happy dreams after vatching the pretty leaderz of the cheerz do zer vittle dancing at game.
I feel that by takin zeez ztepz dAndy shall regain hiz self ezteem and natural talentz of creating funny haha ztuff for hiz weblog. Although, I did not order dAndy to haz hiz clipboard and pen and paper with him at all timez, I did make zee reccomendation zat he should keep it cloze by in caze hiz giftz return zurpizingly.
My only conzern iz zat zee teamz dAndy wants to vin could loze and he could loze in zee fantazy football. If one or all of zeez zings take plaze. It could zend dAndy into zpiraling virlvind of dizazter in vich I do not know if I could help heem to revcover from.
Good veekend to all, zee you next time. - Dr. C
I haz prezcribed zat dAndy take zee following actionz for theeze upcoming veekend in order to cure hiz large feelingz of zadness:
#1 - He needz to conzume enormous amountz of zee alcohol in order to remove hiz thoughtz from zee negativity. Theez vill alzo helpz heem to reestablizh hiz confidence in hiz ablilitiez to contrive what it iz he vishes to vrite about it.
#2 - dAndy neez to geet lotz of zleep! Zo no waking up before zee lunch hour.
#3 - I haz recommended that he spend all of Zaturday watching every pozzible moment of zee college footbal that iz pozzible az it will alzo free zee mind. Ezpecially zee Gatorz verzuz Arkanzaw.
#4 - dAndy will be requezted to break away from zee collegiate footbal gamez when zee fight between Kimbo and Zhamrock comes on. He muzt alzo zee zee fight with the preeety young lady girl as well. She'z zee hot ztuff dAndy needz to be thinking about az he fallz quietly to zleep in a drunken ztate zo that he weel haz very very very zweet dreamz in hiz sleep.
#5 - On Zunday I prezcribe that he zhould be completley inundated with zee NFL football vhile keeping cloze vatchful eye on the fantazy impacts by zee playz throughout zee day. Along with zee football dAndy muzt bring TV from garage to inzide or TV from inzide to garage zo he can concurrently view zee NASCAR raze at zee big track in Talladega. (I did not tell dAndy thiz, but if zee Dale Jr vould vin the raze it would truly be zee boozt he needz to geet back on the track [no pun intended - Dr. C funny guy vright?])
#6 - The Zunday night football contezt betveen zee Jaguarz and The Zteelers iz alzo zomezing zat dAndy zhould not mizz. A victory by zee Jagz will only take heem furzer along in heez journey to complete healing and alzo help heem to have happy happy dreams after vatching the pretty leaderz of the cheerz do zer vittle dancing at game.
I feel that by takin zeez ztepz dAndy shall regain hiz self ezteem and natural talentz of creating funny haha ztuff for hiz weblog. Although, I did not order dAndy to haz hiz clipboard and pen and paper with him at all timez, I did make zee reccomendation zat he should keep it cloze by in caze hiz giftz return zurpizingly.
My only conzern iz zat zee teamz dAndy wants to vin could loze and he could loze in zee fantazy football. If one or all of zeez zings take plaze. It could zend dAndy into zpiraling virlvind of dizazter in vich I do not know if I could help heem to revcover from.
Good veekend to all, zee you next time. - Dr. C
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