Breaking News! Breaking News! Special F'n Report!

I received some life changing information today! Apparently there are significantly more people viewing this here little blog than I was aware of. Just as I am thinking there were only like four people that even look at dAndy's Own I found out there are like four more people that look at this. So yeah, I just found out that my viewership is at least double that of what I expected. Oh yeah, look out KSK and BFO, dAndy is an up and comer in the blogoshpere!

There is only one catch. These people know me and know me well and it just so happens they believe everything on here (I really did kill that hog by the way). The best part about it is that some of these folks haven't believed a word out of my mouth for like 5 fucking years. Hell, my integrity was already questioned today by one of them. However, there is something magically good that has come from this. If you have credibility issues with a loved one or family member just create your own blog and all of your problems will be solved. That's right, if you read something on the Internet it has to be true! So let me check to see if www.iwishmywifewouldbelieveme.blogspot.com is available. Bingo you're in!

If that was your blog and you were caught up in some shit just blog about it and then wait for the people involved to find out. Here's an example.....

I feel so hurt right now. A great relationship is based upon trust, I know that much, but for some reason it just isn't there. Why won't she believe me when I tell her that I didn't get a lap dance when I went to that titty bar and that we didn't even drink more than one beer a piece and that we were only there for like twenty minutes.....

Bada bing bada boom! You're off the hook.

So back to the jist of this post. If you know me, or if you don't know me (I could give 2 shits) and you don't like what you are reading here the solution is superty duperty simple. Don't come back to dAndyville. Seriously, if you never come back to my blog the world will be at peace, gas will drop to less than $2 a gallon, and all of the illnesses and diseases of the world will have a cure. Yep, it's that fucking simple.

OK, so now to clear up one thing. In my previous post about the Jags Pre-Season game I attended I made a terrible mistake in posting this.....

"So, some important notes from the game. No more taking the kids until they are A: old enough to drive my drunk ass home, B: old enough to get sauced up at the game with me. So you may see them back in 9-10 years."

I am terribly sorry about this statement. I completely forgot that in this state you can drive at the age of 15 if you are riding with a licensed driver over the age of 21. So check that to 8-9 years before they go to another game with me. ;-)

By the way, while I am at it and clearing the air I just want to confess that I occasionally masturbate to 70+ year old women baking chicken pot pies wearing nothing but an apron. Whatever floats your boat or sinks your submarine right?

Peace - dAndy out

P.S. I was also told I have a dumb ass blog and it really hurt my feelings. :-(

Gina Carano

I loosely follow MMA, mostly WEC on versus and the occasional UFC bout. I'm definitely looking forward to the Kimbo vs Shamrock action on October the 4th. I just need someone to tell me why the fuck I haven't heard or seen of this chick yet??? She is smoking hot NO DOUBT and she was an American Gladiator!!!

WTF is up with Tony's hair?!?

Ok, I believe it's safe to assume that pretty much everybody hates the MNF commentators, IE this blog article from Doc Holliday. Along with the annoying commentary belies a much bigger problem for me. That problem is Tony Kornholer's hair!!!!

Yeah, it's abso-fuckin-lutely fucktastic to say the LEAST. I tried to find an image of it, but had no luck at all. Maybe it's because every camera that tried to capture it magically locked up or had a malfunction. Anyways, this dude needs to make some changes ASAP. Does anyone know how to get my TV to blur just his head out? That's the only way I think I can stomach another MNF. Basically this dude has the 3-4 strand combover kickin with the Billy Ray Cyrus poof bustin up out da back. I ain'ts queer or nothin, but this guys needs to man up and either shave his whole gourd or go classic baldy and just have the short hair on the sides and back. I'm lucky enough to still have my hair, but if I do lose it and anywhere remotely come close to the TK flip poof someone please shoot me on sight! Thanks!

dAndy Vs. Wild

I dropped a big ass hog this past weekend. There wasn't a scale at the camp, but minimum guess is over 300 lbs. One of the guys thought it could be 400 lbs. Check him out. Old dude had tusks and everything.

Fantasy Report - Week 3

Done. I am fucking done!! I was able to have yet another lackluster day of performance from my so called "STUD" performers in fantasy. Basically my QBs suck balls. I need to be in a fantasy league that gives points to the QB for each succesful snap he takes. Seriously, that's how bad I need points.

Dude - "How'd you do in fantasy dAndy?"
Me - "f'n great man. Matt Cassel took like 72 successful snaps today. I'm king of
the world bro!!"

I lost this week and I could have prevented it with some roster changes prior to kickoff. Who knew Mar Har would actually show up and make some plays? Oh well, live and learn, no make that die and learn. If the dude I played would have played his roster differently I would have got blown away instead of being down by 5 on Monday with no players remaining. Why you ask? Because he had Ronnie fuckin Brown and his near 40 pt performance on the bench. He could have just about beat me with just Ronnie. THAT IS HOW BAD MY TEAM SUCKED!!! My only bright spot was Brandon Marshall again, which is not really too bright because he will probably get picked up by Denver police for beating the shit out of somebody a while back. That's how this bullshit rolls man...I hate fantasy sooooo much!!!! I wish it would have never been invented by some geek that was always to uncoordinated and small to ever step on the field and felt the need to live vicariously through the stars of the NFL.

At least the jags beat the Colts though......

Greatest Gator Football Game Memory - Tennessee 2006 - pt 1

I thought it would only be fitting with the Florida vs. Tennessee game approaching this weekend that I would share what is probably the greatest College Football experience I have ever had. Well, I'll tell you what, I'll call this solid Top 3 action. I've got another one in store for Florida/Georgia as well, but I'll save that for late October.

If you are looking for a great story with details about the game itself, go ahead and click on something else. This is about the camaraderie and the experience of traveling to Tennessee from North East Florida (approx 550 miles in case you needed to know). It's an epic fucking story, one that will be passed down to dAndy generations to come. How cool is that shit? 100 years from now some guy I'll be related to will sit his son down and the story will start with your great, great, great grandpappy dAndy journeyed into the heart of Knoxville to see the Gators spank some Rocky Top ass back in 2000.......This will be a long one so I'll break it up into parts. I am sure there is a small % of the thousands of people that read this this here site that may find it tiring if it's more than 4 or 5 paragraphs. Hell, most of you are probably done with this shit already, so I'll march in to the story!

There were 9 of us that decided to take this excellent adventure, I knew most of them for the most part. One guy I had known since kindergarten. Our closeness would only grow on this trip. Crazy Marko was the decided leader, but it wasn't because of his astute decision making or mental capability. In fact, Crazy Marko only went because he was over 25 and could legally rent an RV. That's right we piled up in a RV with a Keg in the shower and departed around 4pm Friday before the game.

We arrive in Tennessee a little after midnight. The ride up was interesting with each of us taking turns at the wheel. Especially considering we never actually stopped the RV until we got to Tennessee. I chose to drive early and get my shift out of the way so I could get my drink on. Upon arrival we selected what appeared to be a great location to park. There were some tennis courts on the side of the road we parked on and you could see the stadium straight down the road ahead of us for a ways. That along with some older looking houses on the other side of the street was our home away from home. Little did we know at that time we had parked on fraternity road, but that didn't stop us from drinking until 430 in the morning....

I needs me some ESPN Deportes!!!

Man, I am loving Hispanic Heritage month so far. We start off with all of the senoritas in the MNF pregame which was OK. It added a little flavor to the celebration of my Week 2 fantasy win thanks to Witten not catching a TD. However, what has sold the deal for me is the Sportscenter break ins by ESPN Deportes host, Adriana Monsalve. Man this chick is smoking hot. Nothing like hearing some gorgeous chick with a sexy as fuck accent talking sports. It just gets the ol' juices flowing if you catch my drift.

OK, I'm off to see how much a subscription to ESPN Deportes cost. Sure, I will probably get 22.97 hours of Futbol with my subscription but it's worth the hour or so of Adriana NO DOUBT!!!!

Holy Schnikees!

I fucking pulled it off. Thank you Mr. Jason Witten and Mr. Tony Romo for only scaring the shit of me by letting him catch 7 balls for 110 yards and ZERO TD's. Even though I had a shitty week I still won by 3. 2-0 so far let's see what week 3 has in store. Did I mention how much I love fantasy football?

Week 2 Fantasy Update......

I hate this shit. How can only one of my fantasy players get a TD? No seriously, how does this shit happen? Adrian Peterson gets 160 yds on the ground and 20 via air and no TDs. That along with the solid performances from Willie P, Chris Johnson and Matt Cassel and the only fucking TD I get comes from Brandon Marshall. The scoop....I am up by 8, my opponent has Jason Witten tonight. I hope he catches a case of turf toe or some other weird bullshit to prevent him from catching any passes tonight. I can hope can't I!!!!!!

The mostest amazing fantastical idea ever......

Last week watching football was fan-fuckin-tastical, especially when you are watching the game with two other dudes that are in the same fantasy league as you and even more so when you are playing one of them that week. It was some amazingly entertaining shit! Pretty much every play of every game could affect you in some way. However, I realized there is one play in football that doesn't really get the fantasy blood flowing through my alcohol thinned blood. Sure there is a slim chance your defense could block it and return for a TD or the return guy could break it loose, but aside from that there is no point in getting too excited for a punt especially once it hits the ground. That is until you get a frickin punter in the line up. That's right I want a punter as part of the fantasy rosters.

Think about it, the punter has absolutely no pressure from fantasy owners whatsoever. Sure he could muff the snap, but is that going to really bite you in the ass that hard? Well, I am out to change that. Scoring would be simple and it would bring yet another piece of the fantasy puzzle in to play. Could you imagine being down by a couple of points to your opponent on a Monday night, it's late in the game, and all you want is the drive to stop short of the 40 yard line so your boy can get out there an punt the shit out of one inside the 5 for you to win the week? You know how the players just let it bounce around for a bit? What if it was your one point that could make the difference and the fagtard white boy that is so excited to be on special teams in the NFL and is so proud to be the first man down field just so he can touch the football on TV stops the ball before it goes past the 10 yard line robbing you of a victory? Or you get one of those wacky bounces that shoots it back past the 20 yard line only to fuck you out of some points. I personally love the fucking idea, but hey, I am the fucktard that came up with it! You don't like it you say? Well, then bite my fat hairy white ass!

Scoring System -

45+ yard punt = 1 pt
50+ yard punt = 2 pts
60+ yard punt = 3 pts
Inside the 20 = 1 pt
Inside the 10 = 2 pts
Inside the 5 = 3 pts
Fumbled Snap = -2 pts
Blocked punt = -2 pts
Blocked punt resulting in a safety = -4 pts
Blocked punt returned for TD = -6 pts
Fake Punts = Standard passing/receiving/running scoring rules

Sure a punter may be the last pick in your draft, but could you imagine researching for the shittiest offense in the league just so you could get a guy that punts alot? Either that or trading around each week looking for the punter that's facing the toughest defense. Oh yeah, instant change of the excitement of fantasy football. I'll take Donnie "My leg may fall off from punting so damn much" Jones from the Rams for starters!!!

Miami vs Florida.....at the swamp!!!

Yep, I went to the game in Gainesville last week. And from what I remember I had a great fuckin time. Let's see...I remember riding down there. I remember getting there. I remember it being hot as fuck. I remember drinking a lot. I remember seeing the College Gameday bus. I remember the Gators won. I remember traffic blows. I remember some bar we went in after the game. And then I remember getting home at 4am. Ask me for any more details and I don't know that I could help you.

Fantasy Report - Week 1

Ok, so week one is did and damn it if I am not the number one team in my league. I can see the prize money dangling in front of me, but shit there is a hole lotta season left. I pretty much dominated my oponent (won by 21) even after a lackluster performance from Hasselback (actually downright shitty is more like it). All I can say is Willle Parker is my fuckin hero of the week. Oh yeah and so is Ben Pollard!!! Sorry about your luck you Boston assholes.

This was probably the most fun I have ever had watching football, well top 10 all time at least. Me and 2 of my neighbors are in the same league so we all met up at one of their houses. Picture this, there were 3 big ass dudes all piled up on a couch so close to each other our leg hairs were touching. I know, kind of fagtard like, but what the fuck ever we were watching football. We had the laptop set up on the coffee table and the games on the flat screen talking mad shit the hole way through. I love how fantasy pretty much has you involved in every frickin game there is. You either have someone playing in a game or your opponent has someone in there and it makes for some riveting channel flipping.

I pretty much had standard performances across the board. I subbed Roddy White for Mar Har which got me a couple of points I wouldn't have had and other than Fast Willie there was nothing too special. I called Kellen Winslow's TD as it happened which was f'in sweet as hell. Pittsburgh's D showed up for me as well. Adrian Perterson's little TD put my over the top for most points in the league. I love having a fucking stud playing on a Monday night!!!!

The funniest shit was watching the Colts/Bears game Sunday night. I had Vinateri, one neighbor had Addai, and the other (who I played against Week 1) had Reggie Wayne. It made for some interesting shit since all of us had somebody involved. First off the guy with Reggie was predicting a 5 TD performance so he could beat me. Every fucking play was look at Reggie Wayne, Reggie Wayne's open, hit Reggie. He even was pulling for Reggie to play defense and pick one off and run it back. Abso-fuckin-lutely hilarious shit. The dude with Addai is pulling for some running plays. All I am pulling for is some decent drives not involving Wayne that result in FGs. Then of course I rubbed in the fact that if their dudes scored I would get a point too. So yeah, it was some fun shit.

As for transactions I decided to be a fuckstick and dropped Matt Schaub to pick up Matt Cassel. I fuckin detest the Patriots so don't think I got him for that reason, I picked him up just to cock block the dude who had Brady from getting him. I'm an ass deal with it. Not to mention the dude who had Brady finished 2nd in points. It's all about strategy baby! I think Cassel will do pretty damn good considering the system he is in and all of the superstars around him. I am also hoping this hikes up the Pat's running game since I have Maroney. I also dropped Chester Taylor and picked up Chris Johnson from Tennessee. I think he has some big fantasy scoring potential. He can flat out fly. Plus he wore out my Jags.

We'll see what happens.....bring on week 2!!!

It's Official - Fantasy Is Kickin Off!!!

OK, so the draft went down last night and my team is sot. Some REALLY bright spots and some REALLY BIG question marks. Not sure whether to go ahead and trade for the cream of the crop leftovers or let it ride. My brain is going a gazillion miles an hour and after the NFL.com fantasy football preview guide sat untouched on my desk for a month now I'm flipping the pages so fast it looks like one of the 19 fricking hurricanes/tropical storms/tropical depressions/tropical waves that are lining up on Florida's ass is up in that shit. Here's what I got...so far....

Starters -

QB - Matt Hasselback (please don't get your old ass hurt)
WR - Andre Johnson (can you make some shit happen this year?)
WR - Marvin Harrison (hmmm. will he steal some thunder from Reggie?)
RB - Adrian fuckin Peterson (come on buddy, I'm already leaning on you!!!)
RB - Laurence Maroney (will Billy B let this man showcase his skills this year?)
TE - Kellen Winslow (put up some WR numbers for me like you did last year!)
W/R - Willie Parker (get some touchdowns to go with the google of yards bro)
K - Adam Vinateri (let's go Peyton let's go-just not when playing Jax)*
DEF - Pittsburgh (projected for fewest points allowed, we'll see)

Bench -

WR - Brandon Marshall (fuckin great,the suspended guy, potential though)
WR - Roddy White (possible break through year, keepin him for now)
RB - Chester Taylor (potential trade meat, but what if AP gets hurt??)
QB - Matt Schaub (stay healthy dude, just stay healthy!!!)

So yeah, fantasy is back, I'm an addict. It's crazy how much you can fuckin love and hate something at the same damn time. Bring on week 1 baby!!!

*This is a situation that drives me fuckin nuts when it comes to fantasy. I was actually pulling for Reggie Wayne to put up some nasty numbers when the Colts faced Jax on Monday night last year. This damn "game" makes you pull for the enemy. What have we got ourselves in to?????

College Football Is Back!!!

That pretty much says it all. I wore out my previous channel button on the DirectTV remote this weekend no doubt. It was all good. Last night's game was instant classic material if you ask me. What about the intro ESPN provided just before the game last night? Absofuckinlutley awesome. I had goosebumps watching that shit!

So what was the best of the 1st week of college football? Lemme know!