Michigan State versus UNC

Ahh, the National Championship of College Basketball. Pretty much boring unless you hung on to the hope that the Spartans could actually come back. I did and sat through the whole slaughter house of a game. Here are few thoughts and observations from tonight.....

Magic Johnson looked like he could suit up and handle bitness. Larry Bird looked dead. So basically AIDS medicine is a fountain of youth. Hey all you ladies that spend endless amounts of money on face lifts and shit, just get aids and you're sot. As for the average Joe that has one hell of a jump shot, and probably leads a rather normal life besides the money and excessive amounts of scotch drank over the years, you can pretty much look OLD AS FUCK compared to someone near your age with AIDS. Of course, it doesn't help that Larry is quite likely the ugliest dude to ever walk the face of the earth.

Here's some thought by play.....

Sometime in the 2nd half - I just wish Mich St. would get some MOmentum. I just kept hoping for them to get within 15 points early in the half.

A little bit after that (because this is when I actually thought about writing this shit) - His Mom and Dad should have named the dude Dee Lucious. How fucking cool with that have been? I'm not even sure what the dude's first name is, but there are alot of great first name options for #34 of Michigan St. This got me thinking what if I had a "Better 1st Name Contest?" This week will be test run. Through your first names out for Lucious of Michigan State and let's see what happens. All persons not related to, or actually knowing me in any way shape or form are eligible to win an unmatched used sock. I have several and will pick the best of the bunch. Winner pays a shipping and handling fee of $4.99. And if you comment now, I will also throw in another sock of the same caliber, but a different brand along with my guide on avoiding and getting rid of unmatched socks.

Prob about 15 min left in 2nd half - Damn that Heathcote guy has a really weird shaped head.



Not sure why the other part of his gourd isn't showing up, but that's my first go with MS Paint on here so deal with it. Just imagine a little symmetry.

12:05 Remaining - Mich St within 16 pts. This is getting funner to watch.

11:47 Remaining - It looked like Mich St had something going there. The Spartan mascot reminds me of NCAA 09 Football for Wii. Don't some turnovers sound good about now.

Somewhere between 11:47 and 8:15 left – Is Letterman even funny anymore? Was he ever even funny at all?

8:15 to go – Damn these 3’s need to fall!!!!

COMMERCIAL FESTIVAL!!!!!

6:49 lefted – DAMN CAN A THREE PLEASE FALL!!!!

6:11 to the end – If they could have only made half of the 3 pt. attempts in the half they would only be down like 6.

5:20 in the half – Enter white shooter guy!

4:57 – Roy = PRICK! Michigan State down by 14 and Oucha Lucios is hurt.

Sometime shortly thereafter – Mich St fan, “Hey guys let’s yell BOOOO right as Ty Lawson is shooting his free throws!” Gimme a fucking break. Like that shit is going to work on this guy. His dad was probably yelling shit like that when Ty was 5 years old practicing free throws.

BALLGAME!

I noticed quite of bit of commercial activity in this game.

1. Is the red bearded dude in the IBM commercials the same guy that’s in the use your dipstick Jimmy oil commercials?

2. OK, in the Honda commercial where all the cars are popping up there is a scene in which two people are playing checkers. One of the hands is brown and the other is white. One of them nails some crazy triple jump to reveal a Honda. Who pulled it off? Do you think there was any planning in the directing department on "who" would make the other look like a complete dumbass while they pulled off this checker's move of insurmountable proportions?

3. I should have bought a GM a few weeks back. They will pay up to $500 a month towards your car payment if you lose your job.

4. Burger King + Sponge Bob + Sir Mix-A-Lot = FAIL

5. I saw the entire Guitar Hero Metallica commercial for the first time since everyone went bat shit over it last week or whenever that was. Not bad.

6. Fuck Miller Lite. I mean, I'm not saying I wouldn't drink it if you handed me one, but FUCK MILLER LITE!!!

7. I am supposed to believe that Exxon is spending money to find out how to make vehicles 80% more efficient than they are right now based on stats compared to the 70s. YEAH, OK SURE!!!

8. OK, insurance company, now that you have showed us a car wash with no rinse, a hot dog with no bun, and a popsicle with no stick I fucking get it! I AM SWITCHING AS WE FRICKIN SPEAK!!!

9. The new Terminator movie looks kick ass.

And that wraps it up. Thank-you CBS for including some form of Obama coverage in there at the end. He filled out a bracket? Really? He picked UNC? No one in the entire universe could NOT have been exposed to that shit 60,563 times these past few weeks!!! I also wondered if that was Magic Johnson singing the, "One Shining Moment," song at the end.

Sweet Dreams Are Made of This

Queue, the Eurythmics or Marilyn Manson, whatever floats your boat. Basically, I rarely ever ever have any dreams that I remember. The chances of me having a good dream, and by good I mean a threesome with some 18 year old swedish twins, are about as good as the Detroit Lions winning the super bowl in the 2009 season. So, go ahead, call your bookie and place your bets for Detroit to win it all next season because last night I dreamed of me and Cindy Crawford! SCHAA-WING!!

Now first off let me say that this was vintage Cindy....



.....and not current Cindy.....



...although current Cindy isn't bad either. Just wondering where the fuck that mole went though!

Anyways the details are a little blurry, but all I know is it was me and Cindy on something in which we were laying down and she was all over me. She was wearing some form of business attire. It was along the lines of a skirt and button down blouse. We were making out something fierce. I can still remember exactly what it was like ripping her top off. Once I accomplished that I was doing an impersonation of a Ethiopian baby breast feeding after nearly starving to death due to not eating or drinking for 7 days. It was so vivid and realistic and she was so god damn sexy! She kept saying she wanted me and wanted me now. So what does stud muffin dAndy Mother Fucking ManCandy do? I remember telling her I couldn't right now because I had to be somewhere, but we could definitely resume this later. WTF? I turned down a horny vintage Cindy Crawford that wanted nothing more than some of dAndy's ManCandy because I had to be somewhere. Where was that somewhere? The fucking job I am getting fired from in a week. The next sound I hear is ahhh ahhh ahhh wake your sorry ass up ahhh ahhh ahhh coming from my alarm. FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK!

{Images via The Just Plain Breakfast and InGameNow}

Farewell Freddy T!

I guess Fred Taylor really liked this place. Reports have it that Fred got choked up at a recent speech this past Monday at a Rotary Club send-off. More at Laddy McFaddy. Hopefully he'll kick ass in New England, get a ring, then come back and retire a Jag.

Lazy Links

Here's a little something something for ya.....

Mike Vick may have written an auto-biography in jail. Check out Yahoo's Shutdown Corner. I can't wait to get my hands on that. I'll put it one the shelf right next to Men With Balls.

There is always funny with fail. Check out the Fail Blog.

The Jackass List has a post on a UFC fighter who turned to the streets at a young age after his dad ate his dog in front of him. Shit ya not!

John Daly tried to sue a Jacksonville journalist. Yahoo's Devil Ball Golf has the scoop. I don't care what other golfers think about John, but I like the fucking shit out of the guy. He's more of the regular guy playing golf than any other one out there. Booze? Check. Smoker? Check. Gambler? Check.

Kieth Olberman is a blogger now. Great. Via Awful Announcing.

Ladies and gents meet the starting QB for Denver's Lingerie Football League team at Busted Coverage. Schawing!

The Holy Taco is holding a 2009 douchbag of the year tourney.

This just in!

If I see another fucking pop up add for Fantasy Baseball @ CBS Sports got damn com I swear I'll....... Fuck it, what am I going to do turn off the interwebs? I didn't turn it off just yet because I want you to read this dumb ass blog first, but when you are done if you'll kindly let me know via the comments then I'll shut the internets down until after registration is closed for fantasy baseball.

Also, as far as the YUGE group I have kickin for tourney pick em goes, Upstate Underdog and I are tied at 50 pts a piece even though he has picked 38 of 48 correctly versus my 37 out of 48. It's batshit crazy!! Nice job UU! Ognihs is in the Top 3 and 3 points back with 35 out of 48 correct. You hang in there buddy!

Tourney Pick Em

I created a group so I could do this all by myself and acutaly win a group for once, but if you are willing to fuck that up then by all means join. Winner gets exclusive access to my blog free of charge!

dAndy's Own - Group ID - 157965, Password - dandy45

http://tournament.fantasysports.yahoo.com/t1/group/157965

Howdy

Actual shit coming soon!

Romeo you are one bad mofo!

Dear Romeo Crenel,

Hi, my name is dAndy and I just wanted to let you know that I am one of your biggest fans. No, not size wise like a man of your stature, but I just really appreciate your coaching abilities and talents. Nope, I am not a loyal Browns fan either, but tonight I wish you and your team nothing but the best. You see coach, I play fantasy football as many of your fans do and right now I am in a pinch. I had some big days from my players yesterday, but there was a lack of touchdowns from my horses like Chris Johnson, Steve Slaton, and Adrian Peterson. Sure Andre Johnson had a monster day and Thigpen did nice for me as well. but damnit if my fantasy destiny doesn't lie solely in your hands. I'm up by 9 points right now with no way of scoring any more. The guy I am playing has Brian Westbrook going tonight along with Philadelphia's defense. Now who in their right mind would put their fantasy life on the line against you and your talented offense? That's what I was thinking too. This guys is taking a stab at you personally and I think you should take that negativity and turn it into something positive tonight. A jackass like that doesn't deserve to win, don't you think? So, just make sure you score lots of points tonight, don't turn the ball over, don't give up any sacks, and while I'm at it don't punt at all and just try onside kicks all night. That will surely best your opponent.

Now as for this Westbrook fellow. This guy has been showing his ass as of late and I believe you and your men can seek out and destroy him. No, not like kill him or anything (although that would be pretty fuckin cool!!), but I think you need to prove to yourself, the fans, and every fucking body that you good sir, can stop him. That's right I am bestowing upon you the great honor of eliminating Brian Westbrook from the play calls tonight. You can do it!!! Now, don't take this the wrong way because we both know you are completely capable of making this happen without any advice from a nobody like me. Hell, I'm not even that good at Madden on Playstation, but I do have a little defensive strategy advice for making this happen if you choose to listen.

First off, this dude is all kind of banged up. I mean shit, it's like every joint in his body has been on the injury list each week. So, attack those injuries. Ankle and knee twisting is a must. Get him to tweak that shit 1st play of the game and then your set. They'll take him out since they want to save him for the post season. And if they put that Buckhalter guy in you will destroy him too. Now, let's just say that this injure him tactic doesn't pan out. Then we, I mean you, go to plan B. Part 1 of that plan is this guy.....




I want Shaun Rogers to do one of two things each play. The number one bestest thing would be for him to land on Westbrook each play and no not just a little slip and fall, "Oopsie, I fell on you." I'm talking about some WWE hardcore weight momentum shifting collisions. Essentially Shaun Rogers is so gotdamn big he should be able to leave a crater with the body outline of Westbrook in the grass. Oh, you're playing on artificial turf this week? Even better. Give Shaun an all you can eat gift card to all 2,625 restaurants in Cleveland if he can crack the concrete under the turf with Westbrook's body. Hell, I'll throw in $50 on it. Sure you may get a penalty or two, but what's a flag when you succeed at your mission?

Now let's say that doesn't work or Shaun gets tired. I recommend you move him back off the line about 3 yards and put him in a linebacker stance. Then when the ball is snapped have him run, jump, and fly horizontally towards the linemen and take out like 4 of them in one shot, BOOM! Then there will be hardly any blockers for Westbrook and your guys can get em.

The other part of plan B is to assign let's say 6 members of the defense to strictly focus on Brian. Yup, all these fuckers need to do is go after Westbrook on every single play. Two linemen, three linebackers, and a safety should do the trick.

Do all this good sir and I think you have a chance! Not to mention your #1 fan will continue to march towards fantasy greatness!

Thanks Romeo,

dAndy

Who woulda thunk?

So, I have decided to take the epic journey of growing a beard for the winter. I'm about 3 weeks in and after tossing around some design options I took my search to the interwebs and found some great shit! Check out these links....

http://www.worldbeardchampionships.com/

http://www.akbeardclub.com/judgingcatergori.html

http://images.google.com/images?gbv=2&hl=en&safe=off&q=crazy+beards

So, should I bow up and make a run for the world championships in Alaska in 2009?

My Emo Band Name

I stumbled across some dumb shit this morning that I thought I would share and no, I'm not anywhere close to being Emo!

My emo band's name is Sunnyday Immaculate Application.
Take The Emo Band Name Generator today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

Fantastical Report - Week 13 - PLAYOFFS?!?! PLAYOFFS?!?!

Well, I fucking blew up big time this week. I broke 100 pts for the 1st time this season in what is one fucked up league for scoring points. Me busting up 108 points is the great news. Now for the bad news......the dude I played busted out the high score of the week and the season at 135. So essentially I could have beaten the shit out of everybody in the league but this guy. It's all good though. I'm 10-3 and roll into the playoffs as the #1 seed. This week I face the #8 team, 5-8 NUMNUTZ, and based on projections I am a 17 point favorite so I am liking what I'm smelling right now. I also like the bracket I drew with several late season peakers in the other bracket. If I can win the next 2 games I break even on the $ for the season. Win the next 3 games and I'm looking at a little holiday bonus of about $500!

This week started off fucking lovely for me. As I stuffed entirely too much good food in my gut Thursday I watched Chris Johnson destroy the Lions. The fact that Fat Ass Lendale started getting the ball and got 2 touches chapped my ass a little, but either way CJ had a stud performance. His big day helped offset the fact that my opponent had Tennessee's D against the putrid Lions. Homeboy also had TO and his 98 yds and a touch on Thursday. I was down by 18, but wasn't worried not one little bit.

On to Sunday, and the blow up festival that my opponent had. He played Aaron Rodgers who busted out a 298 yd, 3 TD, 1 2pt conv. day against Tyler Thigpen's miserable no TD day. He had been solid for me up to that point, but the Oakland pass D fucked him up pretty good. I could have played Neck Beard instead and gained 7 more points. I think I'll give Tyler the nod against Denver this week, but Orton against my brutal Jags doesn't seem like a bad option either. I just keep waiting on the Jags to have "that" game. You know the type of game where they actually play up to the high pre-season expectations instead of playing like a struggling division II NCAA squad.

Receiver wise I was up against Lee Evans who had 80 yds and no TDs, but my boy B Marsh continued his string of disappointing performances with only 55 yards. I should have played DeSean Jackson instead. Not sure who I should play out of those 2 this week. I just know B Marsh has got to blow up sometime and would hate to have him on the bench when it happens. I also played Andre Johnson who had a solid game last night with 75 yds and a touch. That was a hell of play on that TD by the way. Had I not needed him and Steve Slaton to get 3 TDs and 200 yds a piece to come back and tie the fucker that was beating my ass I would have been more excited about it.

With that said I had Slaton and Adrian Peterson in the RB slots along with CJ. Both had great days and you are probably thinking, damn, how did I lose? Well, when your opponent has Thomas Jones and D'Angelo Williams and their monster TD days you fucking lose that's how! Luckily Michal Turner didn't have a great day as my opponent had him as well.

I had a decent game out of Dustin Keller, although I am waiting on him to put a TD in the mix with those yards he keeps piling up from the TE spot. Carney with the Giants was solid for me as well with 3 FGs and 2 PATs. Pittsburgh's D also had a great game in shutting down Cassel and the Patriots.

So that wraps up the regular season. Only a couple of questions/concerns going into the first playoff game. Do I trust Pitt's D against Dallas or start NE's D against the miserable Seahawks. That is pretty much a no brainer as I have already flipped over to New England, but they are both projected for 13 and not to mention Indy's D is available versus the Bungles of Cincy...hmmmmm. CHECK THAT: JUST PICKED UP INDY'S D AND DROPPED NE. INDY VS CINCY THIS WEEK AND VS DETROIT NEXT WEEK = NO BRAINER. Other than that the call is Thigpen versus Denver or Orton vs Jax as previously mentioned or making a late season pickup of Trent Edwards, Jeff Garcia, or maybe even Flacco. I also have Willie P on the bench. How can I start him over Slaton, Chris Johnson, and Purple Jesus?

As always your one comment is greatly appreciated!

P.S. GO GATORS!!!!

Fantastical Report - Week 12 - I is one lucky sumbitch!

First off I would like to say that last night's MNF game was the most enjoyable for me in quite some time. Nope, it had nothing to do with the quality of the game. It had to do with the fact that it didn't fucking matter one little eency bit! I had my fantasy victory secured after Sunday night's game. Now on to how I won this week, moved to 10-2, held on to the #1 spot, and why I'm a lucky sumbitch!

I went in to this week with high expectations. I picked up Pittsburgh's D early last week off waivers. With them facing Cincy I fully expected them bring home big points. I also had Willie "could you fuck me a little harder this season" Parker. He just had to blow up week 1 so I could hang on to the hopes of big games once his injury prone ass was healthy. I don't think that day will ever come this season. I am questioning if I should even keep him on the TellMeHowMyAssTaste! team at this point. They were projected for 25 points combined. What'd they end up putting out? 13 miserable points. I had fully planned on losing from that point on and then on Sunday the magic started happening.

I started what has become my super solid QB over the past 3 weeks, Tyler "Who woulda thunk he'd be a decent fantasy player earlier this season" Thigpen. Compared to the fucktastic QBs I have been forced to play over the course of this season Tyler is the fuckin' man! He put up 240 yds, 3 TDs, and picked up a point with 29 rushing yards. No need to discuss the 3 turnovers, although they could have bitten me in the ass. I'll probably ride his ass the rest of the season unless Kyle Orton steps up his play. I am also contemplating picking up Jeff "No seriously, he's not gay" Garcia since he is out there and projected for a strong end of season.

As for the rest of my posse I wouldn't say their play was shatty, but only Purple Jesus himself actually got a touchdown. Andre Johnson and Brandon Marshall had solid yardage. Slaton popped out 73 yds and Dustin Keller caught 42 yds. The fuck me of the day came from Josh "I was money until dAndy picked me up" Scobee. The fucker missed 2 FGs (one that hit me with negative points) within a couple of minutes of each other and ended the day with one FG and a PAT. I want to drop him, but he has the highest projected score for the remainder of the season. Arrggh!

My opponent this week took a massive schlonging. He bestowed upon me the victory by starting the one and only Donovan "uh" McNabb. His -3 total for the day saved a brotha! Dude had Favre on the bench. Maybe it's just me or maybe it's because I haven't had a decent QB in 2 frickin years, but when faced with the decision of starting McNabb versus Baltimore or Favre versus Tennessee I would have played Favre. That bayou fucker always does decent in big games. I was also blessed with the fact that not one single person on my opponent's team scored a TD.

It was a nerve racking week though. Going into Sunday night's game I was spunt and dude had Ladanian and Dallas Clark. I was certain my 19 point lead would get decimated, but then again I'm one lucky sumbitch!

So, I ended up with the second lowest score of the week and just so happened to play the dude with the worst score of the week. I guess this falls along the lines of it's better to be lucky than good. I just hope my luck continues for 3 more weeks!! Should I get a rabbit's foot or something?

As for the upcoming week I have a few concerns/delimmas/what the fuck should I dos. I'm a bit scared to play Pitt's D against New England's resurgent offense, but the only other decent options are NE's D or Jax versus Houston. I don't want to go with Jax because that will negate the effectiveness of Andre Johnson and Slaton should they score. I am thinking of dropping Willie P and/or Kellen Winslow to make some late season moves to carry me through the playoffs. Should I keep Dustin Keller instead of Winslow? There are several decent QBs out there - Pennington, Flacco, Trent Edwards, Delhomme, and Garcia. Should I stick with Scobee? Should I pick up another D? I hate this shit!

For the moment my starting lineup is as follows.....

QB - Tyler Thigpen vs. Oakland - Orton on the bench vs Minnesota
WR - Andre Johnson and Brandon Marshall - DeSean Jackson on the bench
RB - Slaton, Purple Jesus, and Chris Johnson - Willie P on the bench
TE - Dustin Keller - Kellen Winslow on the bench
K - Josh Scobee
D - Pittsburgh versus NE

As always comments and suggestions are appreciated!

dAndy's Weekly Crazy Fantasy Calls - Week 12

So this past Monday I told loyal commenter Upstate Underdog that Marshawn Lynch would get him the victory in fantasy this week. Then out of nowhere I told him that he would score a TD on a pass in the 2nd quarter. Doubt me? Then check it out! Needless to say I hit the nail on the fuckin head. So this made me realize that maybe I have a gift, a gift from who the fuck knows where, but netherless a fucking fantastical gift.

So I have decided that instead of using this gift to destroy the world I will use it for the good of the normal folk. So, do you have a fantasy worry or start/sit question? Post your comment and I will make my prediction. 100% guaranteed or your comment will be deleted like the bullshit never happened. At this particular moment in time I have never fucking ever been wrong on this shit. I may never ever get another one right either, but if you don't try me then we'll never know.

P.S. Just in case you were wondering I am 9-2 and the #1 team in my money fantasy league this year. Coincidence? Perhaps the fuck not!

Fantastical Report - Week 11

Well, what a fucktastic week for me in fantasy. After much debate I benched Mewelde and Willie P and played Slaton. That along with picking up and playing Tyler Thigpen were my moves of the week and the only reason I even have a chance of still winning. Pretty much every other player I had shat their pants. Andre Johnson - 55 yds NO TD, B Marsh - 89 yds NO TD, Chris Johnson - 88 total yds NO TD, Purple Jesus - 85 yds NO TD, Scobee - 2 PAfuckingTs. Yards are great in most leagues but in this league no TDs pretty much means very low points. I played Arizona's defense who had a decent day.

So with that said I take an 8 point lead into MNF. Here's the twist though. I have Kellen Winslow and my opponent has Brady Quinn. Kind of a fucked up situ if you ask me. So basically I need Quinn's only TD throws (if any) and the majority of his success to be to Winslow and I'm skraight. I'll get more points off the rec'v yds than he will for throwing with 20/pt vs 50/pt and if someone else gets a TD then I'll need some picks and/or fumbles to hang on to my lead. So I need all 2 of you to help me in pulling for Brady Quinn to either get in a car crash on the way to the game, oversleep and miss the game because of all the fun he had at a 12 guy orgy, or simply get knocked out of the game 1st play with a broken sphincter.

On another note, if I win this week I will stand alone a top the standings with a record of 9-2 bitches! The guy I am currently tied with at 8-2 is down by 40 pts with Marshawn Lynch left to play. Anyone predicting Marshawn to get 200 yds and 4 TDs tonight? Didn't think so.

This just in.....

....I'm going to the UF vs SC game Saturday. If you need to find me I'll be wearing an orange or blue shirt. Not sure which one yet, but I shouldn't be hard to find.

GO GATORS!!!!

Fantastical Report - Week 10

Well, well, well, dAndy done clinched a playoff spot! Had my best week of the year points wise in Week 10 even though I had some yuge let downs in performance and decision making. Either way I'm in 2nd spot with an 8-2 record.

I made a bonehead move last week and picked up Derek Anderson last Monday only to find out hours later that Brady Quinn was going to be the one shoving fingers up the center's ass in Cleveland. In that sense of panic I grabbed Flacco. Then late Friday dude dropped Kyle Orton, aka Neckbeard, aka Tony Eury Sr, so I dropped Flacco for him. I should have been more patient and kept Flacco for the week and played him over C Penn, but I can live with that. Hopefully Orton comes back with a bang and brings some game to what has been yet another year of shattyness from the QB spot in dAndyville as I get ready for a playoff run!

As for the let downs Andre Johnson didn't do much and Chris Johnson got shut the fuck down. I should have played DeSean Jackson instead of Andre no doubt! Chad Pennington had a typical day of almost putting up some big numbers. The Jags D had a respectful day in Detroit and Scobee was solid.

As for bitches blowing up I had Brandon Marshall and his late TD, Purple Jesus and his day of domination, Kellen and his staphtastic testicles had a big game as well. My pick up of the week....Mewelde fuckin Moore baby!!

So my projection for week 11 is a little low. Don't know if Orton is worth a shot if he does go (he says his chance of playing is good) with C Penn facing a horrible horrible Oakland team (Wildcat formation will be in for 6-8 plays I'm guessing). RB wise I'll leave Purple Jesus in for sure then it's a toss up for the other RB slot and flex slot. Options are DeSean, Chris Johnson (vs Jags at home), Willie "I might play this week" Parker or Mewelde vs San Diego, I've also got Slaton (vs Ind) riding some pine too. The WR slots look sharp with Andre Johnson and B Marsh. K Low will stay at TE and Scobee will hopefully bang in multiple FGs against the Titans. My gamble of the week....I picked up Arizona's defense last night before the game. They face a shitty Seahawks team that should have broken down QB Hasselbeck taking snaps. Pick 6 all day baby!

As always your comments/suggestions are appreciated! Good luck this week fuckers!

Early Fantasy Update - Week 10

Ladies and gentleman I am pleased to announce that I made the right fucking call and picked up Kellen Winslow and his staphtasically infected testicles this week. Also had Brandon Marshall in last night's game as well. So, in this ridiculously low scoring set up I got 25 points out of those two bitches. I was already predicted to have high score of the week based on projections and these two just exceeded projections by 16 points combined even with Kellen's fumble. Shit be looking good in dAndyville is all I can say.

Now I do have a couple of issues for the week. I was stoked about Willie P's return, but now he is doubtful for this week. I am ditching Roy Williams in trying to pick up Mewelde off waivers and will know something at midnight tonight. Let's say that doesn't work out then I have to either pick up someone else or go with DeSean, Slaton (against Baltimore), or Roy Williams. Any advice on that from you cuntpunchers out there would be greatly appreciated.

Also, in continuing my tradition of never having a stud QB I have to decide on Flacco or C Penn at QB. Got the tip on Flacco earlier in the week, he's up against Houston's shatty pass D in Houston. C Penn is playing Seattle at home. Both are projected for 10 pts. so that ain't gotdamn a bit of help.

I gots to get me a gotdamn sham wow!!!!

Man, usually don't fall for the infomercials ever since the set it and forget it rotisserie came out, but man this fucking sham wow thing is starting to get to me. I mean, this shit is absolutely frickin amazing. Maybe it's the guy just selling the shit out of it or maybe it's just me, but I can think of so many times in life where the sham wow would have been muthafuckin perrrrfect!

For starters I believe the guy selling the shit got the job because he was the top money taker at all of the traveling fairs in the United States. Dude probably started out at the game where you have to catapult the frogs on the lilly pads, got promoted to the ping pong ball in the fish bowl, then moved on to shoot the star out with the BB gun, and eventually landed the gig where you throw the darts at the balloon. And this all happened in just 7 short hours. Next thing you know he's got a Brittany Spears mike hooked to his head and he's on TV. Tell me you don't think the annoying fucker actually invented it?


Let's talk capability here. The sham wow can actually pull and entire can of soda out of the carpet without even applying any pressure. Do you realize what the potential there is? Lemme break it down rights quick. You have the fellas over watching some football and the ultimate party foul occurs. Brozilla has just spilled his beer on the carpet. Da du da duh da da nah na nah!!!! Ladies and gentleman I introduce the sham gotdamn wow. You suck that beer up out of the carpet lickity splizit and then wring it out into a cup. Homeboyee that fucked up and spilled his shit now has to drink his beer post carpet absorption. Next thing you know you gots dudes gripping their beers like it's forty-two one hundred dollar bills in their hand as they walk through Compton.

What am I thinking? You know this has to be some bull shit! I'm going to buy a weed auger now thank you very much!

Fantasy Report - Week 9

Let me just start off by saying that I fucking hate fantasy football, I SERIOUSLY MEAN IT THIS TIME TOO!

Yesterday started out great for me and the TellMeHowMyAssTaste! fantasy team. I had big production from everybody in the early games. dAndy was kicking ass and taking names baby. I had the high score going on, the sun was shining, birds were singing, a nice breeze was coming in off the ocean, the one team ahead of me in the rankings was struggling, I was on the way to being the number one team in the league. Adrian Peterson lit it up with 139 yds and a TD. Chris Johnson also did killer with 161 total yds and a TD. Andre Johnson delivered with 62 yds and a TD. While they got beat again, the Jags D scored nice points as well and Scobee delivered a solid points day for a kicker. Hells yeah baby, dAndy be busting shit up and has a healthy lead!

Then the 4 o'clock games start kicking. I've got Pennington, Brandon Marshall, and DeSean Jackson on the field. A group of stars that can surely deliver at least 15-20 points between them. What did they do for me? How about not a fuckin thing!!!!!! Pennington got me 4 points, B Marsh got 1 and DeSean got 3.....FUCK ME!!!!

So I am only up by 10 points, no players remaining and NUMNUTZ has Clinton Portis tonight. I usually am the optimist going in to these situations, but for some reason I can't do that today. Maybe it's because that happy bullshit never fucking works! I hate this shit!!

And one more thing. I mentioned before how I keep winning while not scoring a lot of points. This week I am one point shy of having the highest total in the league and what happens? This bullshit happens. Fuck it, I'm joining a fantasy table tennis league right now!!

TO and Roy Behind Closed Doors - Week 8

{Inside the Cowboys locker room after the Week 8 win versus Tampa, only TO and Roy Williams remain}

TO: Sobbing while actually sitting inside his locker.

Roy: TO, man what the fuck you doin?

TO: Oh nothing.

Roy: Are you crying? Why the hell you up in your locker like that? We won man, we won!

TO: No, ya'll won.

Roy: Aw, come on bro don't start with this bullshit this week. We won, we are a TEAM!

TO: No we're not.

Roy: Yes we are!

{jumps out of locker up at Roy}

TO: No the FUCK we're not bitch!

Roy: Hey, hey, hey ease up trigger!

TO: No, I'm not going to fucking ease up. If we were a team, you wouldn't have caught that TD today asshole punkass bitchdick bitch!

Roy: Man you are one fucked up mothafucka you know that?

TO: Yeah! Well, that's what happens when you lose your star status. I was a goddamn star Roy, a goddamn motherfucking star! Until, you came along that is...

{TO slides a boot knife out of his Jerry Jones signature edition rattlesnake skin cowboy boots, a bottle of sleeping pills falls to the floor}

Roy: TO put that shit down man. Whatcha gon do with dat anyway?

TO: What I'm gone do? WHAT I'M GONE DO FAIRY BOY? I'M GONE FUCK YOU UP WHAT I'M GONE DO!!!!!

Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa muthafucka! Hey man is that sleeping pills that just fell out yo boot?

{TO turns around to put the pills away, turns back around....Roy is gone. TO faintly here's someone saying, "I'm the gotdamn star now biotch!!}