TO and Roy Behind Closed Doors - Week 8

{Inside the Cowboys locker room after the Week 8 win versus Tampa, only TO and Roy Williams remain}

TO: Sobbing while actually sitting inside his locker.

Roy: TO, man what the fuck you doin?

TO: Oh nothing.

Roy: Are you crying? Why the hell you up in your locker like that? We won man, we won!

TO: No, ya'll won.

Roy: Aw, come on bro don't start with this bullshit this week. We won, we are a TEAM!

TO: No we're not.

Roy: Yes we are!

{jumps out of locker up at Roy}

TO: No the FUCK we're not bitch!

Roy: Hey, hey, hey ease up trigger!

TO: No, I'm not going to fucking ease up. If we were a team, you wouldn't have caught that TD today asshole punkass bitchdick bitch!

Roy: Man you are one fucked up mothafucka you know that?

TO: Yeah! Well, that's what happens when you lose your star status. I was a goddamn star Roy, a goddamn motherfucking star! Until, you came along that is...

{TO slides a boot knife out of his Jerry Jones signature edition rattlesnake skin cowboy boots, a bottle of sleeping pills falls to the floor}

Roy: TO put that shit down man. Whatcha gon do with dat anyway?

TO: What I'm gone do? WHAT I'M GONE DO FAIRY BOY? I'M GONE FUCK YOU UP WHAT I'M GONE DO!!!!!

Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa muthafucka! Hey man is that sleeping pills that just fell out yo boot?

{TO turns around to put the pills away, turns back around....Roy is gone. TO faintly here's someone saying, "I'm the gotdamn star now biotch!!}

Fantasy Update - Week 8 - I'm one lucky bitch!

So, I pulled out another win this week. How? I don't fuckin know. I had the third lowest score in the league this week and luckily I played the guy with the second lowest. I won 60 to 45. It's pretty much been my theme all year as expressed by my tied for first place record of 6-2, yet I am 96 points behind the guy I am tied with record wise. I have the 7th lowest total points for the season. Put it this way, the 3rd place guy has scored 151 points more than me this season. I am trying to convince myself that I am just laying low waiting to bust out the big numbers when crunch time comes around, but I don't know how many more squeakers I can handle. Oh yeah, thanks to the dude I was playing for not putting in a defense this week. Winning isn't all about being good. You have to have some luck in the mix!

QB - I went with Cassel this week who had a decent day compared to the overall shattyness of my QBs this year. Luckily he faced Jason Campbell who posted a mediocre 10 pts as well. This week Cassel and Pennington will be battling it out in practice for the starting gig. Almost picked up Matt Ryan off waivers (how he was there I don't know), but some dickbag that's in first place cockblocked me. Yeah, you HeyHoo!

RBs - The rock was handed to Steve Slaton and Chris Johnson. Not a whole lotta yards out of them this week, but they both scored so I can't complain. CJ's late touchdown last night was a beautiful thing. Dude I was playing had J. Jones from Seattle and Frank Gore up in the mix. Both were TD free which helped my unfucktastic score although Gore piled up some yards, 159 in case you needed to know.

WRs - I had to do some bye week maneuvering this week and started who I could. I would have played Willie Parker in the flex spot, but his weak ass knee ligaments held him out again. I had to play Andre Johnson (143 yds, no fucking TDs), DeSean Jackson (72 yds, no fucking TDS, -5 ret yds), and my gut shot call of the week.....Roy Williams. I almost dropped somebody to play in his place, but I got some advice from some members of the blogoshpere and gave him the go. That TD was perfect for me. P.S. Fuck you TO!

TE - Blah, that's what Marcedes Lewis did for me. I got stuck ever since Kellen Winslow and his staphtastically reclused testicles fucked me a few weeks back. Shopping for a TE, but I kind of want to stay with Lewis since he played so shitty this past week. Surely he'll make up for it against the shitbags in Detroit right? Fuck me, optimism is the devil. I think I'll get Kellen back.

K - Scobee had one blocked, but I can't blame that on him. He made a long bonus point FG and 2 PATs in a brutal Jag game against Cleveland. I think I'll let him ride heading to Detroit.

DEF - The fuck dAndy group of the week - Jax defense. These guys made the Browns offense look like more than a regional semi-semi-finalist for the pop warner county championship this past week. Thanks fuckers! I'll give them another shot this week against the Bengals and next week against Orlovakowskolitsky or whatever the fuck his name is this week.

Coming up this week....I'm stoked and planning for a breakout performance since I am through with bye weeks except for Roy Williams next week. Aside from the QB and TE situation my lineup looks like this for now. WRs - Brandon Marshall, Andre Johnson, DeSean Jackson (Roy Williams on the bench), RBs - Purple Jesus and Chris Johnson for sure with Steve Slaton and Willie Parker benched. If Willie P is healthy I may throw him in in place of DeSean. Who the fuck knows! As always throw your 2 cents in!

Fantasy Systemafication - Week 8

I need some help fellas. Basically I don't want to give up anyone on my bench right now. I've got a little bye week action affecting my team, so I need a W/R slot filled. I could throw Roy Williams in there from the bench and be set, but I am not confident that he will produce. I have some options out there in free agency. One being Freddy Taylor which is a plus since I am a Jag fan, along with Mewelde, BenJarvis, and Kevin Faulk. If I pick one of those guys up then I have to drop either Willie Parker (out this week) or Roy Williams. I am tempted to drop Willie because I fucking hate nagging injuries and I have Chris Johnson, Adrian Peterson, and Steve Slaton who will be bye week free from here on out. The only other potential drop from the team would be Chad Pennington who I have backing up Cassel this week. I know, my QBs fucking blow. The computer drafter Hasselbeck and Schaub so you can kiss my ass for getting by. Chad Pennington in week 6 had my highest points from a QB all year. Help a brotha out!!!!

TO and Roy Behind Closed Doors - Week 7

{Inside the Cowboys locker room after a Tuesday afternoon practice. Only TO and Roy Williams remain.}

TO: Roy, I just need to let you know that I really appreciate what you did out there this last week man.

Roy: What?

TO: Well, you know, after our little "talk" last week I wasn't feelin you feelin me, and you know I love me some me and I wasn't sure that you was loving you some me after we was talking about you and me and how we was gonna be here up in the big D. You feel me?

Roy: Nah, TO I don't. What are you trying to say?

TO: Your performance against the Rams man. That's what I like to see.

Roy: Yeah, but we sucked against the Rams.

TO: No, YOU sucked against the Rams. Me, I did all I could do for me, thanks to you helping me though by not doing anything to help you, made me look better for me. Feel me?

Roy: Bro, I don't know what the fuck you are trying to convey to me?

TO: First off lose that damn tude R-Dub, unless that is you want some of me up in that ass. Ok man it's like this. You and me talked last week and I told you not to come up in here and steal the sunshine away from me. I was just saying thanks to you for not fucking me by going out there and being all you could not be in order to look out for me. Feel me?

Roy: We, notice I did not say me, as a team, sucked ass out their TO. How can you thank me for contributing to a loss that impacts you and me and the whole team?

TO: Listen you little punk ass faggot, you know exactly what me is talking about to YOU. Now I should be fuckin pissed at you right now for fucking me by not getting hurt like I told you to for me, but I kind of like what you did for me last week instead. You didn't catch the first pass the whole game, which made me look even more like the fuckin star on this team which helps me in my quest to carry this team and step up for me to lead us to the super bowl while that little fuckboy Romo is hurt. You know that fucker don't be thinking about me, but see you and me we be thinking alike and shit. You be looking out for me and I appreciate that me look shit you got kickin bro. That's all I'm saying to ya man. Ya feel me?

Roy: Nah TO, I ain't down with that man we don't think anything alike.

TO: You have got to be the most stupidest regardedest mutha fucka somebody like me has ever fuckin seen dumbass? Let me break it down real simple like. Jerry gotdamn Jones tells me every fuckin day of the week how much of a star I am on this team. It don't matter what day of the week it is for me, Jerry will go out of his way to let me know how much I mean to this team. Hell, he even calls me everyday during the off season. He's a hell of a texter too. You feel ME Roy? Do you fuckin feel ME bitch?

Roy: Dude, you said I was the regardedest person you have ever seen. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

TO: Bitch, you don't question what TO is saying to you. You know what I fuckin mean.

Roy: No, no I don't TO.

TO: That's because you is regarded.

Roy: What the fuck are you trying to tell me Terr...

{TO puts his hand over Roy's mouth}

TO: Hold the fuck up right there. I ain't gonna left you even finish. Don't even think about finishing that because I already told you don't nobody call me Terrell, but my momma damnit! I'm sorry you are so fucking regarded that you don't even know what that means, but what regarded is is when you are a little slow, you rode the short bus to school when you was a kid, or your face don't look quite right, eyes all close together with that big ass forehead. You feel me now?

Roy: No, you stupid bitch!!! It's retarded man, fucking retarded which is what you are dumbass!

TO: Watch ya mouth boy?

Roy: Man fuck you TO

TO: Don't disrespect me like that punkass. You hear me!! You hear me!!!

{TO turns around to find a note left by Roy}

Roy's Note: I'm outta here and this week I'm gone blow up and you'll be playing second fiddle to me in this country bumfucked town. It's own now bitch!

TO: Oh heyall nah!

Today's Almost Fictional NFL Player's Game Day Menu: Matt Jones, #18 Jags, 201 lbs and Dropping, 415pm Game

I thought it was only fitting that I do Matt "Mangnum PI Stache" Jones with his impending doom impending as we speak or type or blog or wtf ever you wanna call it.

afp

Breakfast: 2 lines of pure Columbian Heaven, 3 red bulls

Mid-Day Snack: 1 line of Florida snow, snickers bar, 1 red gatorade

Lunch: 1 Panama red fatty laced with Star-Spangled Powder (only so he’ll be hungry for pre-game), 1 Coca-Cola

Pre-game: 4 piece fried chicken, fried okra, 2 packs of skittles, 1 white frosty from Wendy’s, some funyons, 4 red bulls

Halftime fix: 3 bumps of Yeyo, 5 red bulls

Post Game – On the way to the locker room: 1 line of prime time off 6 of the cheerleaders asses, 6 red bulls

Post Game – On the way home: 2 blunts, an eight ball of toot, 7 red bulls, and some ho named Latashaniqua

dAndy's Own Exclusive - TMA Call - Peyton and Eli - Week 7

We here in dAndyville, excuse me, I here in dAndyville have obtained exclusive rights to the phone call made between Peyton Manning and Eli Manning every Tuesday AM after all the football for the week is over. Here's what's shaking for week 6.

{ring ring, ring ring}

Eli: Sorry man, but I’m not home, but I’ll be back before to long so wait for the beep. You gotta leave your name, you gotta leave your number…….

Peyton: Damnit Eli!!! Listen dude no bullcrapping this week. I need to talk to my little bro something fierce.

Eli: OK bro, I’m all ears. What’s sinking your submarine?

Peyton: Oh nothing…nothing at all…BESIDES MY WORST GAME EVER!!!

Eli: Yeah, I know. I got to see some of the game. I thought you were looking forward to going back to that cheesy city {laughs to himself for the cheese joke} now that Favre was gone.

Peyton: I was!!!! I went in there with such high expectations. You know I had a couple of good games and now this. I really felt like I had caught up from missing some pre-season with the surgeries and all and I played like absolute poo poo today. I can see the headlines now, Pey Pey plays like poo poo in Colts loss. {lip begins to quiver as if he is going to cry}

Eli: Hahahahahahahahaha that was funny Peyton!

Peyton: Thanks, I guess. How is that you just bounce right back after a bad game with your chin up? I get so down on myself I don’t know what to do.

Eli: Just don’t have any bad games.

Peyton: What?

Eli: Don’t have a bad game and you’ll never have to worry about what it feels like afterward. That’s what I do.

Peyton: But you had a bad game last week!!!

Eli: Nuh uh!

Peyton: Yeah huh!

Eli: No I didn’t Peyton. What I did these last couple of weeks is manage the game. It’s something new Coach Coughlin taught me. Say it with me now….manage the game!

Peyton: Eli, I know wtf {actually says w.t.f. because he doesn’t use them swear words} managing the game is.

Eli: Well then, just do that and you’ll be fine.

Peyton: How can you say that when the Browns beat you guys and you played like crap?

Eli: I was managing the game.

Peyton: Yeah, but you lost.

Eli: So, so I was still the manager. I just didn’t manage as good as I should have and I didn’t get all sad afterwards like you are.

Peyton: But you lost.

Eli: Yeah, but I still managed.

Peyton: That’s not the point Eli. The point is to win the games.

Eli: Well, maybe for you, but coach told me I just need to work on managing the games and that’s what I am doing and we have only lost once, so apparently there is a connection between managing and winning. So, maybe just maybe you should just listen to your little bro, who is having a way better year than you and won the super bowl last year, for once.

Peyton: Whatever Eli!!! {hangs up}

Testees on FX

I instantly became of fan of FX earlier this year because I saw It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia for the 1st time. I love that fuckin show! So this week, they advertise this shit out of this show called Testees coming on after Sunny. I of course checked it out while flipping back and forth to the game in which the Boston assholes came back on the now headed to the World Series Rays. Let me tell you this, that is one FUCKED UP show. The people that come up with that shit and Sunny have some kind of mind that was twisted and warped and molded into it's current state by the endless use of alcohol, hallucinogens, and any other mind altering drug they could get their hands on. Seriously, how the fuck do you think of shit like that? So back to the show. First off, if you didn't see the show what I am about to tell you is going to sound, uh, let's just call it fuckin gay. And it's going to sound that way because, uh, it was some gay ass shit, but damn it was funny. Basically the testees (two guys who volunteered for scientific testing) agree to undergo a procedure that will give them a puss and tits temporarily and it all goes downhill from there. In brief, one guys gets a carrot stuck inside him while pleasing his new downstairs, one guys has a nice rack, the other pretty much has floppy 80 year old tits, one guy's friend wants him to do his dad, the other guygirl ends up sleeping with his ex-girlfriend that has now turned lesbian due to the shitty sex she originally had with him when he was a dude and because he is still a shitty lay as a chick she turns back straight again.

Yep, that sums it up. It's that fucked up and you should check it out!