Fantasy Report - Week 6

My fantasy team finally showed up this week and the shopping spree I went on paid off. I'm probably jinxing myself writing that I won this week when it's not officially over yet, but I am rather confident that my 45 point lead won't be surpassed by my opponent's only remaining player, Eli "The Oreo lover" Manning.

Let's kick it off with some QB action. I started Chad Pennington, or C. Pen as we like to call him here in the biz, and he delivered a solid stash of points. 284 yards, 2 TDs (one was on that wicked wildcat formation play) and 1 pick. I didn't check to know for sure, but I believe the 16 pts he scored is more than the other QBs I have started the 1st 5 weeks combined. OK, I just checked, in the 1st 5 weeks my QBs combined for 26 pts, so yeah his 16 pt day was killer for me.

My RBs had mediocre games with no touchdowns, but I won (hopefully) so it's all good. Purple Jesus put up 111 yards, but coughed it up twice (my team had 4 fumbles and a pick this week, thank my 3 testicles that I didn't need those 10 pts). Steve Slaton had a lackluster 58 yards. Chris Johnson will be back in next week after the bye and hopefully Willie Parker will be healthy. I am still waiting on AP to have that breakout day that Jimmy Kimmel will talk about on Direct TV commercials next year.

As for the WRs, Andre Johnson finally had the day I had been waiting for. 178 yds and a TD (not going to talk about his fumble) to lead my WR crew. Brandon Marshall had a solid day with 98 yds including a stupid fumble, but didn't score a TD. DeSean Jackson also had 98 yds and threw a little return yardage in there for me too. He is on bye this week, so I'll either start 3 RBs or snag up a WR.

TE wise was brutal this week. With Kellen Winslow's mystery illness still keeping him pinned down (I personally think he may have gotten a hamster or gerbil stuck in his ass) I started Fasano from Miami. This could have been a potential double up scoring situation with C. Pen at the helm, but he only mustered out 12 yds.

Ah the kicker, Mason Crosby brought in a solid 11 points with 2 FGs and 3 PATs. Atta boy.

Now you might be wondering how it is that I have a 45 point lead with this pretty much load of mediocrity. Well, my opponent just so happened to totally suck ass cheese this week and my defense put on a show. With Pitt on a bye I picked up Tampa Bay's defense. I almost swapped them out last minute, but decided to go with my gut and it paid off big time. They only allowed Carolina to score 3 pts, blocked a kick and returned it for a TD, and snagged 3 picks for a 23 point day. That was the kicker for me. Now I just have to decide whether to hang on to TB's defense or pick Pittsburgh back up this week.

I love fantasy football!!

From zee couch - Dr. C - 10/13/08 Update

dAndy haz had very very very good veek diz veek. It appearz zat heez recommended treatments haz zerved zer purpose and dAndy haz been able to overcome zee negative criticizm zurrounding heez blog. dAndy's confidenze haz been reeztablizhed and he zhould be pozting many many many more timez very very very zoon. I zhall remain to keep cloze eyez on heem to enzure he remainz on heez ztraight path to zuccess.

dAndy's Own Exclusive - TMA Call - Peyton and Eli - Week 5

We here in dAndyville, excuse me, I here in dAndyville have obtained exclusive rights to the phone call made between Peyton Manning and Eli Manning every Tuesday AM after all the football for the week is over. There were some technical hurdles to jump through with this being the first week so this is a little late. I hope to be more timely on this in the future, so look for this again come Tuesday or 3 weeks from now, who knows. Either way here it is in all it's glory.



{phone rings}

Eli: Yello.

Peyton: Hey bro, it's Peyton.

Eli: What up brozilla?
Peyton: Just checking in man, seeing how things are going.

Eli: Good we won again. {licks the center out of an Oreo}

Peyton: yeah, us too. It was a crazy game. We pulled out another last minute win we shouldn't have got. Did you see any highlights?

Eli: Man I'm glad we did those Oreo commercials. I love Oreos.

Peyton: Yeah me too. Did you see any highlights on ESPN?

Eli: Dude, which is your favorite Oreo? I like the ones with white chocolate on the outside the best, but it is harder to get to the creamy white center first.

Peyton: Dude, can we talk about some football here or what?

Eli: Yeah sure bro, but I think I just discovered the best way to get to the creamy white center of a white chocolate Oreo. What you do is nibble off the hard chocolate outside a little bit at a time and when you're done you have a regular Oreo left. So it's like you get all that crunchy white chocolate for free.

Peyton: bro, you are kidding me right? Let's talk about the NFL brah!

Eli: Bro, lose the tude we can talk football. I just get so excited about how great these darn Oreos are that's all.

Peyton: OK man, it's cool. So anyway we pretty much got our butts beat by Houston and then got super lucky and won it at then end. You old bro put on a little show. Did you see the hit Rosenfels took. It was totally awesome!

Eli: Dude, they have Oreos with peanut butter and chocolate cream. Can you believe it?

Peyton: Screw it Eli I'm calling dad.

{ring, ring, ring}

Archie: Pap Bear manning here.

Peyton: Hey Dad it's PeyPey.

Archie: Hey bud, what's up?

Peyton: Just checking in, wanted to talk about some football with you Pops.

Archie: 10-4 little buddy. Hey, have you tried the new mint cream Oreos yet?

Peyton: Fuck me! {hang up}

Purple Jesus didn't even use lube

PJ doinked me hard last night. Thanks for shattering my far fetched dreams of winning in fantasy this week with your stellar 32 yds on 21 carries performance againts the Saints you ass muncher!

Fantasy Football Blows

I hate fantasy football. Yeah, that's right I fuckin hate it. I know, I know, I just said a week or so ago how much I love fantasy, but now I wish the poindexter with no athletic ability whatsoever that satisfied his lifelong dreams of stepping on the field by deciding to have a game in which he lives vicariously through a roster of players that actually are on the field would have just ended up being a puddle in his mother's belly button instead of ever being brought in to the world. I got fucked this week in case you couldn't tell!!!!

Let's start with the QBs. I had Hasselbeck and Trent Edwards. I played Trent, go figure. He gets knocked the fuck out like 3 plays in. Just f'n great! What did my back up do? SUCK, that's what he did. Needless to say I went on a fantasy QB shopping spree this AM and at 50 cents a pop I was a big spender. I tossed my garbage QBs away and got Pennington and Carson Palmer. I'm sure to win the $$ now!!!! What am I saying? I'm screwed!!!

How about my WRs you say? Oh guess what, they fucked me too. DeSean Jackson made a little magic happen for dAndy with his return TD, but if I combine his rec'v yards with Mar Har and Brandon Marshall I get a grand total of 65 frickin yards and no TDs. Just shoot me and take me out of my misery now. Oh yeah, and Roddy White who I dropped last week blows up and scores a TD, love it. Not to mention I benched Andre Johnson who has consistently fucked me all year, only to get reversed fucked by him this week with a 131 yd performance with a TD, thanks allot asshole! Marvin Harrison got tossed (fuck you by the way) this AM and this week it'll be Marshall, DeSean, and Andre getting me back on track right? DOUBT IT!

As for the TE, I guess I can't complain. I picked up Fasano from Miami since Winslow was on a bye and he caught a few passes for 47 yds. Way to put that extra effort in to gain one more yard after the catch so I can get another point in this jacked up scoring system I'm in cocktard.

Ah the RBs. I put some faith into Chris Johnson even though he was facing Baltimore's strong D. I figure they will try to stuff the middle and the speedster will break outside and bust up some shit. Well, I was wrong, way wrong. I got two points out of him. Adrian Peterson aka Purple Jesus is my only hope as he's playing tonight. Sounds good except for the fact that I am down 23 points and facing Drew Brees. There's always that slim chance he could rush for 250 yds and 4 TDs and Drew gets hurt driving to the stadium right? I mean that far fetched last glimpse of pulling off a win that like could actually happen in real life!

And that's why I love fantasy football.

The next best football league!!!

Holy shit! I just stumbled across something mag-fuckin-nificent. It's a lingerie football league. Check it out from With Leather.

From zee couch - Dr. C

Hello zer. My name iz Dr. Cindamind, and I am dAndy'z pzychiatrizt. Today I'mz goingz to take you along vit me for an increeeedible journey inzide to zee inner vorkingz of his vittle brain. Thiz veek dAndy haz had hard time dealing vit zee deprezzion regarding zee commentz zat were directed at zee quality of hiz weblog or blog az you americanized peoplez zo call it. Zee hate inzpired commentz haz rezulted in dAndy hazzing feelingz of tearful zadness inzide hiz heart. Theeze feelingz haz made him afraid to vrite anyzing for hiz weblog az he fearz more negative commentary may be projected hiz vay if he zhould pozt more arteecles on hiz blog. dAndy haz very very very fragile feelingz zat when put in zad place can makez him curl up into zee feetal pozition on zee floor of zee zhower and zlowly zob until he fallz azleep in a puddle of hiz own tearz.

I haz prezcribed zat dAndy take zee following actionz for theeze upcoming veekend in order to cure hiz large feelingz of zadness:

#1 - He needz to conzume enormous amountz of zee alcohol in order to remove hiz thoughtz from zee negativity. Theez vill alzo helpz heem to reestablizh hiz confidence in hiz ablilitiez to contrive what it iz he vishes to vrite about it.

#2 - dAndy neez to geet lotz of zleep! Zo no waking up before zee lunch hour.

#3 - I haz recommended that he spend all of Zaturday watching every pozzible moment of zee college footbal that iz pozzible az it will alzo free zee mind. Ezpecially zee Gatorz verzuz Arkanzaw.

#4 - dAndy will be requezted to break away from zee collegiate footbal gamez when zee fight between Kimbo and Zhamrock comes on. He muzt alzo zee zee fight with the preeety young lady girl as well. She'z zee hot ztuff dAndy needz to be thinking about az he fallz quietly to zleep in a drunken ztate zo that he weel haz very very very zweet dreamz in hiz sleep.

#5 - On Zunday I prezcribe that he zhould be completley inundated with zee NFL football vhile keeping cloze vatchful eye on the fantazy impacts by zee playz throughout zee day. Along with zee football dAndy muzt bring TV from garage to inzide or TV from inzide to garage zo he can concurrently view zee NASCAR raze at zee big track in Talladega. (I did not tell dAndy thiz, but if zee Dale Jr vould vin the raze it would truly be zee boozt he needz to geet back on the track [no pun intended - Dr. C funny guy vright?])

#6 - The Zunday night football contezt betveen zee Jaguarz and The Zteelers iz alzo zomezing zat dAndy zhould not mizz. A victory by zee Jagz will only take heem furzer along in heez journey to complete healing and alzo help heem to have happy happy dreams after vatching the pretty leaderz of the cheerz do zer vittle dancing at game.

I feel that by takin zeez ztepz dAndy shall regain hiz self ezteem and natural talentz of creating funny haha ztuff for hiz weblog. Although, I did not order dAndy to haz hiz clipboard and pen and paper with him at all timez, I did make zee reccomendation zat he should keep it cloze by in caze hiz giftz return zurpizingly.

My only conzern iz zat zee teamz dAndy wants to vin could loze and he could loze in zee fantazy football. If one or all of zeez zings take plaze. It could zend dAndy into zpiraling virlvind of dizazter in vich I do not know if I could help heem to revcover from.

Good veekend to all, zee you next time. - Dr. C